Day 472: Reduced to an Act (Self-Forgiveness)

reduced-to-an-act-self-forgivenessI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reduced myself to an act, another character trait, time and time again throughout my life, to no avail which always ended in a stale mate of consequences as punishment to no resolve, until later on in my life, when I had lost everything for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have reacted to the words of others, the Ideal of voices in my head, telling me I need to be someone else instead of who I was, so I created characters to cope with the position and/or placement I put myself in, as a product of my environment, living out the program of acting out my life in real time, instead of living my life one moment at a time in real time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the saying; “Get your act together” as putting on a front, to create a character that would best suit my interest, to not be punished in the moment of me acting out, but to follow the status quo at the time when I was young, that stuck with me throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to meet people from all walks of life with different character type, once I got to the military and mimic them, in creating a whole new personality for myself to live, to be who I wanted to be, to be accepted as someone totally different then who I was raised to be.
Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an intern character of disassociation from my past, where I created nicknames to hide behind, to hide the real me from what I knew, and became that character as a person, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not what anyone to know who I was back then, out of fear of being embarrassed, which validated my reasoning for becoming that character as a person, which turned me into an angry man, so;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then create/become the Quiet and Angry Character, where I became quiet because I didn’t want people to laugh at me for the dumb shit I would say, because I didn’t know nothing outside of being the religion fanatic growing up that I was. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at anyone who would bring up my past and/or embarrass me in front of others in any way what so ever, which made me hold a lot of things in, that would build up and come out at the wrong time, which showed that I didn’t know how to communicate with people and express myself, when faced with a moment of embarrassment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create another act out of being able to dance, where because I could dance, people started showing me attention, where this character of being a dancer but faulty communicator played a major role in me being accepted, because people didn’t really care about what I talked about or said, they just wanted to be around me to entertain them, so I ate it up while spewing made up bullshit to them as my opinion, which eventually wore out, leaving me feeling alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then think I needed to cling onto someone or something because of this feeling of aloneness, so I ran and buried myself in relationships, not realizing and I would have to face only one person, but with all these characters I’ve created, if we were together long enough, which is just what happened.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a character to get into the relationship, saying that I was somebody who I wasn’t, that back fired the moment I really got to know my EX and her me, which repeated in almost every relationship I went into and paid for it with the down fall of all my relationships, that made me once again step into another character trait.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then experience solitude, where because I’ve depended and RE-LIED on these characters so much my entire life, I lost myself and was so far gone that I forgot who I was, at any given moment and would perpetuate the wrong character to the wrong person at the wrong time, then left that alone and found myself introverted and alone with all these characters, where then and only then, did I wake up and realize I had Reduced myself to an Act.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand in the beginning, that all these Acts would set me back in life to where now, later on in live, I have to play catch up to the point of survival I should have been at a long time ago, but was too busy acting as if I was really surviving, but actually was too busy living and acting out a lie and not living life.

So you see character traits doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, when it boil down to it, because all the characters I perpetuated left me alone and by myself to figure me out, because I didn’t know who I was, what I had become in the midst of things, so I had to drop the characters at which time (many years later), I realized that I didn’t need them anyway, because once I dropped them I started to be more respected as the plain ole me Carlton, with no extra additives, and now I’m at the point of re-establishing who I am, the real me for myself, to no longer accept and allow myself to create another character trait to cope with any situation I just so happen to be in in my life, but to face me as who I have become, change and become who I am as life, so;

When and as I see myself on the brink of creating another character trait, in trying to adapt to a person, group, situation, place or thing in my world and reality, I stop and breathe and tell myself to get your life together, knowing this has been one of the major downfalls in my life – to cut it out. I see/realize/understand that the stage is now set for me to become life, to stop playing life as a game in the pursuit of creating the right character to win, as this is detrimental to my process and everything I have achieved up to this point in my process, that would set me back even further, that would create more consequences than I already have to walk through, so fuck that.

I commit myself to continue to deconstruct these characters one by one, one at a time and to reconstruct myself to the stable, considerate, human being I’m meant to be, considering all as me as life and doing what’s best for all as life, starting with me tackling me.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to step back into these characters of my past, but to be me, live me, no matter who likes it or not and not in the service of what I presume others would think about me or like me as. I commit myself to taking responsibility for me.

Desteni.org

Advertisements

About carltontedford

In Process.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s