Day 471: Reduced to an Act

reduced-to-an-actReduced to Another Character Trait, acting out a feeling and/or Emotion, where the stage is set that is not conducive to what we feel in the moment, so we go into the dressing room in our minds and put on the Character suit that best suits the situation, person or incident we’re facing, which most likely always end in a stale mate of consequences as punishment to no resolve.

How have we let ourselves get to the point of being reduced to an act, by reacting to the word of others, by reacting to an Ideal from the voices in our heads, by reacting to the position and/or placement we’ve put ourselves in, being a product of our environment, which screams; by our inherent design, programmed to act out our lives in real time, instead of living our lives one moment at a time.

Act 1:

Growing up I was forced to create a personality around being a Religious Character and was told, in every way I should act, walk, talk, live the part and whenever I would or wanted to step out of this Character, I would be told; Get you act together’, meaning straighten up or you’ll be punished, as an unspoken form of discipline that stuck with me throughout my life, up until the point of being out on my own, where I then pushed myself onto the world and was forced to change Characters.

Act 2:

This is where I really started Character building, when in the military meeting all sorts of people, from all different walks of life, with different Character of their own, where I learned to mimic and take in these newfound Character, create a whole new personality and become that. Thing is, in doing so, I began hating the person I was, the way I was raised and anything that had to do with religion, reason being, I was dumb to the plight of the world and what was actually taking place in this world, where when asked any questions, I made up what I thought would be a cool answer, which was always nowhere close to what was really going on, in this world, on the streets and in reality, and people knew it and I hated it. This Character was more of an intern Character of disassociation from my past, so I created nicknames to hide behind, to hide the real me from what I knew and became that Character as a person, which help me to suppress my past, where I didn’t want to remember it and didn’t want anyone to know who I was back then. Within that Anger ensued me, where I then forced myself to change Characters again.

Act 3:

This is where I create the Quiet, Angry type Character; quiet because I didn’t want to be laughed at for not knowing nothing and saying some dumb shit. And angry at anyone who would bring up my past and/or embarrass me in front of others in any way what so ever, within this Character I held a lot of things in, that would build up and come out at the wrong time, showing that I didn’t know how to communicate with people or express myself, which forced me change into another Character.

Act 4:

One thing that could do was dance, where I found that whenever I danced there would be a crowd around me, people liked the way I danced and the things I could do with my body for being a tall guy, which opened me up to getting attention and communicating, where I found that because I could dance and people liked me, it didn’t matter what I said, they still accepted me because of my dancing. All the bullshit I spewed was taken as being solid where I created a follow of people who loved to see me entertain them. This Character was rather hard because I constantly had to keep up this act, which eventually wore out, where that forced me to change into another Character, that of perpetuating the act of being in a relationship.

Act 5:

I felt I needed something/someone to cling on to, being that my following had dwindled down to nothing, so I went and buried myself in relationships, where now I had to face only one person and thought it would be easy, boy was I mistaken, because funny thing was, I perpetuated a character to get into the relationship with the fake name and things, which then lasted longer than I expected, where me and the person I was with started becoming serious and learning each other, so I had to drop the act and the name and be plain ole Carlton, lol, but since I and all these characters still engrained within and as me, it wasn’t easy to just drop it and time and time again I paid for it with the downfall of all my relationship, which forced me to change into another Character yet again.

Act 6:

Solitude, I depended and relied on these characters so much my entire life that, I had lost myself, so far gone that I forgot who I was (ACTually, I really never knew me), then found myself introverted and alone with all these characters, where after a while I realized that I had Reduced myself to an Act, to my own demise, I mean it really sucks, once you realize that you’ve done nothing substantial throughout your entire life to make a way for yourself, then find yourself starting over at a later age, trying to build something, with no one to blame. At that point in my life I had had enough, I was tired of always perpetuating an Act and getting No Where, I mean who am I and what the fuck have I been doing with my life, I thought. This is when I found Desteni and got the shock treatment of my life, where I was Awed, but from the beginning of my process, I totally understood without question what was being said, I mean to me everything made complete sense, even some of the things I couldn’t comprehend at the time and although I was faced with major resistance, I’m still sticking with it, and this has changed my life dramatically to where I no longer have to Act the part or create Another Character Trait, I no longer have to get my act together, but instead to get my life together.

This is what I’ve been missing, a way to get my life together being that I was so far gone, and Desteni did that for me, I mean this is all I got and there’s no way I will give this up, to go back anywhere, so Here I stand – to continue walking my process – in my Journey to Life, of figuring out and living who I really am as Life as all as me.

Thanks for reading.


About carltontedford

In Process.
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