Day 466: Calm as Suppression

calm-as-suppresionI’ve never really been the rowdy type, although I’ve had plenty of friends like that, thing is I would always suppress my rowdiness, hold it in and on the outside present myself as Calm, claiming that it takes a lot to piss me off, when all I was doing was using my Calm demeanor to hide the fact that I was pissed off and would hold it in forever, until I felt the need to not be pissed off any longer, so internally I was always in turmoil, but on the outside, it looked as if I was cool, Calm and collective, Bullshit!

I was asked the other day, when sounding the word Calm what’s the first thing that comes up and, even when saying it now, the thought of something bad is about to happen, which shows in one way, how I have defined calm, as the calm before the storm type of thing, sort of a bracing myself for impact, with expectations of something about to happen, in which case I would tighten my stomach and present myself as being Calm throughout the storm/conflict, but internally shaking for real.

A funny thing is, how I learned to be this way was, when I was young I used to be jumpy, at any loud noise or someone coming up from behind me, touching me and saying Boo, then I would jump or run and be embarrassed when they would laugh at me, I mean I hated that feeling of being scared and embarrassed, so I told myself, this shit has to stop, so my remedy was to devise a way to make it seem as if I’m not scared of anything, where nothing would move me, or make me react in any way what so ever, (so I thought), so I learned that tightening up my stomach, momentarily stopped the butterfly from jumping around in the midst of a fright, which stopped me from jumping in the moment, and the way I tested it, was in the dark hallway, going up the stairs in our house, growing up, where I used to close my eyes and cover my ears and make loud noises while running up the stairs, because I was afraid of the dark, but as I got older I started tightening my stomach and growling internally instead, while walking up the stairs. And it worked, where this was the beginning of keeping a straight face and Calm demeanor in school when I would see everyone else jumping, people would then say, why are you so Calm or you’re too Calm, I would then lie and say nothing affects me, but it did, they just couldn’t see it on the outside. But what this did do though was keep me from a lot of fights, because no one wanted to mess with the Calm, quiet guy, but little did they know the real fight was me beating myself up on the inside.

The consequences to me using calm as a suppression, was me becoming more and more introverted, secluded and alone within myself, in my mind away from others, thinking I was living the word Calm by just showing it on the outside, but not being it/expressing it as a statement of who I am, but as a facade, just a cover story.

I then stop jumping when I heard loud noises, but became more reactive, mad at the fact that I was still scared and didn’t know how to stop it, after a while I stayed this way and took this calm facade into every relationship I was in, where when the shit hit the fan, I would show no emotion and wouldn’t respond to being yelled at, but would just walk away and not face the situation, which made every partner I ever had even more pissed off, mad that I wasn’t saying anything and if they ended up leaving, breaking up with me, I would blame them, while telling myself it’s not my fault because I remained Calm throughout the situation. Not a cool thing to do.

The kicker is and what I realized in hindsight was, I was able to continue perpetuating this Calm facade as long as there was conflict around me, but when things became Calm, I would be a mess and get roweled up, because it was too quiet, claiming that the silence was deafening, so as long as there was conflict I showed Calmness, but when the conflict subsided, that’s when everything I had built up inside me would release, as if it all came to a boiling point and boiled over, then I would blow up at the wrong time, taking all this built up/pinned up frustration and anger out on the smallest of situations. I mean how scary was I, when looking back at me, and although I have changed this point within me, what still persist is the Idea of thinking something bad is going to or may happen when and as the word Calm is spoken, instead of seeing myself as and living the word Calm as an expression of who I am as Life, Cool, Calm and Aware. So for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined calm as the calm before the storm, assuming and thinking, just because it’s calm, means something is bounded to happen, then present myself as calm on the outside, but internally, I was a mess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as the word calm is spoken in any context, think that something bad is about to happen, although I know it’s not, being that I have engrained this belief within and as me since I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I present myself as having a calm demeanor, I wouldn’t be scared of loud noises or someone coming up from behind me, touching me on the shoulder and saying Boo, it didn’t work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use calm as suppression, where I learned to suppress my fears, my frustration, my anger and any other emotion I didn’t want others to see me vulnerable with, by presenting myself as calm, not realizing at some point these emotions I have suppressed would come to a boiling point and boil over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed emotions built up within and as me to come out at the wrong time, in the smallest of situations.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this calm demeanor I presented myself as, only worked when I was around any conflictual situation, so in essence, this shows that I thrived off of conflict, to fuel my façade of being calm I perpetuated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever the conflict would subside in any case, I would be a mess and get roweled up then blow up, because it was too quiet, claiming that the silence was deafening, as an excuse, being that I lost my widths about me during a Real calm moment.

This I have perpetuated throughout my life, until after I started walking process and learned that NOTHING goes unseen or unnoticed, any and everything you do is being seen, so there is really no hiding from yourself, so all my little characters, I had to stop and what was left was/is to release myself from these thoughts, Ideals, Perceptions and Belief about this word Calm, that I have so engrained within and as me since I was a child. So;

When as and as I see myself defining the word calm as the calm before the storm, assuming and thinking, just because it’s calm, something is bound to happen, then present myself as calm on the outside as a way to weather the storm, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, that the experience of me and the presentation of myself as calm was, that which brought the storm within my life every single time and the more I projected it outwards, the more I would get slammed against the shores of my mind, because of the outward demeanor of me being calm.

I commit myself to redefining the word calm as that which supports me in moments of conflict to remain stable internally, that will show externally – to see with clarity a solution to any conflictual situation and resolve it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to get caught up in the storm in my mind that I’ve created as a balancing act, because of the presentation of myself as being calm, but instead to drop the presentation of myself and be who I am as life, as Calm.

When and as I see myself listening to the word calm being spoken in any context, then going into think that something bad is about to happen, although I know it’s not, I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that I’m fucking with myself to say the least, which is a calling card for my mind to slip into a mind possession, thinking/perceiving/believing the world is out to get me, so I need to put up this façade of being calm, I also realize this to be a waste of time and energy, in over thinking about the word calm, so

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing my mind to the game master that controls me into making and putting up this defense mechanism, because of my projected assumption of something about to happen, because the word calm is spoken, but instead to embrace the word as who I am and live my redefinition of the word.

When and as I see myself using calm as a suppression, where I learned to suppress my fears, my frustration, my anger and any other emotion I didn’t want others to see me with, by presenting myself as calm, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that anything suppressed will build up and come to a boiling point, which showed itself, whenever conflict around me would subside, being that my calm demeanor depended on conflict to survive / for me to keep alive within and as me, as a character I’ve engrained within myself, since childhood, so;

I commit myself to facing and handling all situations in the moment when they are happening, such as when I become frustrated and angry or become fearful in anyway what so ever, and no longer accept and allow myself to suppress these emotions, by presenting myself as calm, but calmly walk through and face each point utilizing breath.

Thanks for reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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