Day 462: Starting from Scratch

starting-from-scratchDumb Down, a long way from where it all began, they say that I was born in sin, and I believed it and became sinful to the core, full of sin to the point of creating War within myself, mayhem from the way I thought, sorting discord amongst the brethren, while claiming it’s not my fought, then forgot about it, just to again start from scratch, as if I was a new egg ready to hatch, repeating the same thing, over and over again, I mean at one point I couldn’t stand being inside this skin, so I fell inside this skin and kept failing to repent, to forgive myself, to no avail just afraid, then trying to re-invent of myself, from what I’ve created and made, because nothing I ever did really satisfied me, so back to starting from scratch in search of a new me, not knowing who to trust or what to believe, I mean every human being got a trick up their sleeve, spitefully awaiting to spread around like a disease, but tell myself at least I can start from scratch, as the days of old soon comes right back.

I always wondered what would happen, if I found what I was looking for, how would I respond to it, will I still ignore, the truth of what I found, about the Here and Now, or would I find another way to start from scratch somehow?

Well that wasn’t the case, the truth smacked me in the face and there’s no going back and repeating the same old shit, I realized that this is it, I’m learning how to be responsible until I quit fucking around, playing mind game with other people, to be real with them, and see them as equals, no more creating a sequel or starting over from scratch, because in what I’ve found, there’s no catch 22, I’m responsible for self-abusing myself and everyone else in my world with my words/ways and actions, no more chasing after energy looking for satisfaction, it’s all a work in progress, for me something to achieve, whatever I used to do and believe is like history, although at times, the thought of it still comes up, I have to realize how much I corrupted me, and embrace myself for who and what I have become, I mean I’m standing right Here, because there’s nowhere to run, and if there’s nowhere to run, that means I am Now Here in every moment of breath, standing with no fear and when all the fear is gone, that’s when the veil is lifted, I forgive myself, now that’s what a real Gift is, the shift it dimensional when going into the mind, then finding yourself stuck in the greatest maze of all times, living life on repeat, fast forward then rewind. So I sat down to write and this is what came to mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start from scratch over and over again throughout my life, in search for the person who I wanted myself to be, but ended up living my life on repeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same things over and over again in my life without correcting them, then start over from scratch, just to do the same thing again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and follow the saying that I was born in sin, then became sinful to the core, to the point of creating war within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at one point in my life couldn’t stand being in this skin, so I fell in this skin and kept failing to stand up and forgive myself for falling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make falling a continuous occupation that I perpetuated throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that me starting from scratch was me searching for the real me, who I am as life, in order to find myself, find what I’ve been missing and have lost as myself, which wasn’t hard to locate after I realized everything is me, is within me, all the problems and solutions, all I have to do is to stand up and correct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that every day is a new day, like starting over from scratch, where in the mornings I forgive myself and start a new, to walk in every moment with breath with awareness too.

I commit myself to starting from scratch, every day when I wake up and continue applying self-forgiveness as the start of my day, until this is done. (For the rest of my life).

Thanks for reading.

Desteni.org

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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