Day 423: Self-Trust

Self-trustWhere there’s doubt, there’s no Self-Trust. There’s always these moments that arises at times throughout my process where I ask myself; “Ok what’s next”, “Am I doing this or that right”, the correct way, “Am I fucking up”, “Should I do this or that”, then become a bit indecisive on which steps to take, which way to go, which moves to make in different situations, I mean there is a such thing as observing yourself and weighing out your options, but sometimes I take it to the extreme and find myself stuck in the middle per se, stagnant, sort of timid to make a move either way, which then becomes frustrating, it’s like walking on egg shells for no reason at all.

What comes up within this sort of mild mind possession is the lack of Self-Trust, unable to trust myself unequivocally, which seems like an easy task to do, but like with anything especially Self-Trust, it takes time self-honesty and practice, to totally know when you are directing you, telling you to make or not make a move or is it your mind.

When you’ve spent your entire life being directed by your mind it’s fairly easy to follow suit and manipulate yourself into thinking/perceiving/believing that you’re on the right track, then find yourself back at square one, because you’ve made the wrong move thinking that it was your Self telling you to do what you did, but it wasn’t.

One thing I’m learning is that, in realizing it to be Self-Trust you have to be very careful not to follow the answer you want it to be, so when asking yourself a question, you should ask unconditionally with no expectations of a particular outcome, because if the subtle movement you receive from your body is not what you expected, you’ll find yourself asking again and again until you feel any other movement within you other than the initial subtle movement you received and didn’t like and follow that. No this is the mind which you think is Yourself telling you Yes when it’s telling you No and/or telling you NO when you think it’s telling you Yes. I know it seems rather tricky, but this is the fine tune of getting to know and trusting yourself.

Being that everything is in reverse nine (9) times out of ten (10) what I’ve found is that the answer I don’t want to hear (being the subtle movement I don’t like, that I receive when asking my-self a question) is the answer/movement that I should trust, because it’s not what I wanted to hear/feel and resist the most as a cool reference for me in developing Self-Trust within myself.

Self-Trust is more than just a feeling, it’s the certainty of knowing that every move you make is self-directed without a doubt, no expectations, no indecisiveness and most of all, no following of a second notion when the first seem to be too much, everything is in the moment, you expressing you and directing any situation that comes your way standing in stability and if you waver at any point throughout this process, it’s not Self-Trust any more, you become the blind lead by your mind. It’s like “put this bandana over our eyes and follow me to your surprise”, then once the bandana is removed, you’ll find that you never went anywhere, but only took a step backward in stagnation.

Within Self-Trust, it’s the parts that you don’t want to know and/or see, what you resist is the change that you could be, all it takes is the pushing through the resistance, the fear and self-judgement, to stand with persistence and trust you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live unequivocally in Self-Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Self-Trust as following my intuition, instead of my physical body, being that my intuition is of the mind and my physical body is who self is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, where there is doubt, there is no Self-Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times throughout my process experience moment where I would ask myself; “Ok what’s next”, “Am I doing this or that right”, the correct way, “Am I fucking up”, “Should I do this or that”, then become a bit indecisive on which step to take, which way to go, which moves to make in different situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be indecisive when asking myself these questions, where I then get stuck in the middle per se, stagnant, sort of timid to make a move either way, which then become frustrating, so within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated at being stagnant and not allowing myself to make a decision either way, as if I was walking on egg shells for no reason at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sort of a mild mind possession in being indecisive causing me to walk on egg shell so to speak, not realizing that this is the mind stepping in and resuming control/direction over me and making it evident that I lack Self-Trust.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it takes Self-
Honesty and practice, to totally know when you are directing you, telling you to make or not make a move or if it’s my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my entire life being directed by my mind, where it was easy for me to follow suit and manipulate myself into thinking/perceiving/believing that I was on the right track, then found myself back at square one, because I’ve made the wrong move, thinking that it was my Self telling me to do what I did, but it wasn’t, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking/perceiving/believing that I was on track, while being directed by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when asking myself any question automatically drift towards the answer I would like it to be, instead of unconditionally, with no expectation accept the path of most resistance, within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then ask myself again and again until I receive any other subtle movement coming up within and as me and use this movement as the opposite of what Self was telling me to not have to face the answer I was given and didn’t like. That’s Self-Manipulation instead of Self-Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself out of fear, judgement and self-interest, which was clear that I accepted myself as being defenseless, vulnerable to my mind to satisfy my Ego, within that I forgive myself that I haven’t trusted myself enough to let my Ego go, so;

When and as I see myself not living Self-Trust unequivocally in my life, where I have defined Self-Trust as following my intuition instead of my physical body, where I would doubt myself and become stagnant in moments of asking myself question, then becoming indecisive to move either way, and whenever I would get the answer from self, if I didn’t like the answer I received, I would ask myself again and again until I assumed it to be the answer I wanted to hear per se, I stop and breathe.
I see/realize/understand that Self-Trust is not to be thought about or mulled over, leaving room for indecisiveness, but to be obtained through self-honesty and practice. I also realize that as long as I become reactive in thought after I asked myself any questions, self-Trust will be unattainable, so what I need to do is to slow myself down and accept the answers that’s given that I resist accepting the most and within that is where Self-Trust is.

I commit myself no longer accept and allow myself to self-manipulate myself into believing and following only what I would like the answers to my questions to be, but instead to go down the road of most resistance so to speak and accept the answers I don’t want to hear, that way I learn how to trust myself unequivocally.

I commit myself to when and as I get to an indecisive point when questioning myself, to stop and breathe and accept the answer that is most commonsensical to the situation and not only what I want to hear.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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