Day 412: Dark Moment

Dark-MomentThe Darkest Moment in my life was right before I found Desteni, and although it persisted for quite some time, I eventually go through it, I mean I had lost everything I ever thought meant something to me, like my relationships and material possessions, how could this world be so cruel, better yet how could some of the people in this world / in my world be so cruel to me, when I thought I had been pretty much straight forward with them, on the up and up, why, why, why, at times I cried, then felt as if I was sitting on the edge as a time bomb waiting to go off at any given moment’s notice, exploding on any and everyone who pushed my buttons the wrong way.

Within that, I existed as a conglomeration of emotions and feeling all at the same time and all I wanted to do to get my mind off of this Dark Moment, was drugs and sleep, as if maybe when I woke up, I’d find myself back in my old life, everything being fine and that what I was experiencing as a Dark moment was but a bad dream I was having, well it didn’t end up that way, because every time I woke up, I found myself in the same fuck up position, knee deep within the Darkest Moment of my life.

Initially it was rather hard to comprehend everything that was going on during this time in my life, where the urge to give up and get even with whomever I deemed as the people who put me in this position was overshadowing any rational common sense, yet and still I didn’t give up, I had some form of spark for life that keep me pressing towards finding out the true of the matter, what’s really happened in my life, as well as what was really going on in this life.

I mean something had to give because I wasn’t going out like that and to be totally self-honest, if it wasn’t for the drugs I did, I would have either been dead or in jail and fascinatingly enough, I wouldn’t have found Desteni, I mean seriously as crazy as it sounds that’s the truth. I mean I lacked everything, I lacked focus, I had little to no drive left, I was very insecure and scared as hell, that things would get even worst, to the point of me either becoming a bum on the street or going back home to Flint, Michigan and nothing was scarier than thinking about those two (2), so fuck that, I began screaming at myself, “NO, NO, NO, DON’T GIVE UP, YOU CAN’T GIVE UP, THIS IS NOT IT, THIS CAN’T BE IT, NO, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS BULLSHIT, THIS IS BULLSHIT, FUCK THAT, IT WILL GET BETTER”. And for the time being I found solace, in the happy go luck Partying Nightlife, where nothing got better, but this kept me from thinking too much about being in the Dark Moment I was experiencing.

At the time I was homeless and continued bouncing around to different friend’s places, but in the meantime I had a computer and discovered Desteni, where in the beginning I still existed as wanting to have revenge on those who wronged me and believed whole heartedly in karma, (what goes around, comes around), but after going in, through some of the Desteni videos and material, I realized nothing was going to happen to them and that this was all my fault, and “Oh no that fucking sucks”, then threw myself back into the pity-party of being in this Dark Moment again, but something wouldn’t let me just give up and go back to being the old me, which I now see that was the real me, who I am as life, my beingness that had enough of being infused, intertwined within and as the Mind Consciousness System and so I began walking my process, unplugging myself from my Mind one layer at a time and was able to pull myself through that Dark Moment in my life. (Don’t get me wrong, I still have some ways to go)

That being said and done, I’m still walking my process, but find it interesting how when faced with another dark moment, it seems as if I have amnesia and momentarily forget, how I got through the previous Dark Moment, where I would find myself being Mind Possessed about the current situation, then have to come all the way back around to realizing again, then telling myself, “hey man you been through this before”. I found this is because of the initial shock of another Dark Moment being on the horizon and so for me, the deer in the head lights effect took place, which momentarily blinded me from being able to see with clarity on what to do, which when I came back Here, I had to do Self-Forgiveness and redefine the word and my relationship to the word Stability. So my solution was the redefining of words, therefore when you see another Dark Moment on the horizon, look for the words that is associated with this Dark Moment and redefine them to support you through it.

Thanks for Reading.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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