Day 409: Outcast (Self-Induced)

Being blalism we are but outcast in our own minds, where if it looks different, feels different, acts different, it must be that you’re not me, because I can see you from where I’m standing right in front of me, and when it comes to family, it is but a name you gave me and although our feature resemble one another’s, why are we still not close, why can’t you understand what I’m thinking and automatically respond to my needs without me saying anything, somethings not right, I feel as if I don’t belong here with you guys. You are my family, I see you every day, we sleep under the same roof and eat the same types of food, but something just doesn’t fit, why am I’m here, who are you people really? I sit back and watch everything that goes on around me, is this really the way life should be lived, am I really going to die if I don’t follow what this Bible says, is this all there is to life, I mean there’s got to be more to this world than this form of slavery and servitude that I am experiencing, where is the freedom that’s talked about, it must be in the hereafter, because here is not where I belong. Hi I’m an Outcast and my name is Carlton Tedford at 5 years old.

These were the thought that were constantly going through my mind, during the early years of my childhood, being the youngest boy of eight (8) siblings, I only knew but what I was told, the way I saw things was not up for conversation, as I was given a back sit in discussions, so I just listened and followed orders. I found solitude in public place in the corner of my mind, wondering what this, that and the next person’s life was like, because from where I stood on the outside looking in, seemed to be the place I wanted to be, but could never get there, as I had my own life to live. I took everything literal as in letting what I heard become real in my mind, acting out on the fear that possessed me, I am but an outcast in my own skin, locked inside my mind as a fence sitter weighing out my options.

Unable to take action, I had to make the best of what I was given, this life with my family, the only ones that knew me, on this Earth since birth. I rather enjoyed us all being together, having adventures in our home, sitting out on the front porch, singing; “I hope the next come is momma’s car”, I mean this was the life = hash tag #No Worries#.

I believed just about anything my siblings told me, as they were older and knew more than I did and as comfortable as I was, being that the thoughts of longing for something different was still lingering around in my mind, as a joke one day while we all were sitting around talking (I mean I was listening) about random things, one of my older siblings said something along the lines of; “Yeah and you have different parent” that I was adopted, and in that moment I was somewhat confused, but somewhat excited at the same time and started to believe it, I mean I even went as far as looking in the Phonebook book Lol to see if I could find them, although, I had no Idea on what I was looking for, but took it as a form of answer to the thoughts that was festering around in my head, my older brother eventually told me that they were just joking around, but this was but one incident that gave validation to the thoughts I had of feeling as if I was and being an outcast in my mind, which for most part stuck.

What you think therefore you are and become, by having thoughts of being an outcast, I began to feel like an outcast, so everytime I would enter/join in any group, I would assume the position of an outcast, feeling as if I needed to be welcomed in by everyone personally and if that didn’t happen, I would exist within and as the feeling of non-acceptance in which I would participate the minimal, by only saying things when asked, but never truly opening myself up, due to me judging myself as being an outcast. Will I ever fit in, will I ever feel comfortable enough to speak my perspective, my point of view without thinking others will judge me?

That right there is the problem in itself, thinking, feeling and reacting, the act of being stuck in one’s mind, is the point of out casting oneself from one’s physical body into the mind; So as you can see, being and/or feeling like an Outcast is but a Mind game we play with ourselves as we blind ourselves in the separation of not accepting what we see in other Human beings being ourselves.

Thanks for reading.

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