Day 391: Writings

WritingsWe write it, forgive it, commit it, forget it, then have to do it all over again. We write it, forget about it, then marvel at it, as if this is the first time we’ve ever seen what we wrote. If I was able to make words come alive on a piece of paper and dance every time you read it, you would understand what I’m saying, everything I say is my perspective, how I see it and what I see is how I explain it, as I am aware of it for the first time, and in time I’ll get it right and live my corrections, I welcome all corrections if you live what you speak, I’ve never been one to turn down a good self-honest critiquing and I’m not the one to tell you wrong, not even in a joke, in which case I’m wrong because I forgot what I wrote.

I’m writing to learn who I am, then look at it in marvel, like; “I did that’, “thought that”, “said that” and “Imagined that to”, I mean come on who am I? I’m learning, as we all do, there’s no right or wrong way to do it, but there is a Correct way to do it, so let me correct myself; If right is correct and wrong is in-correct, then I’m writing to correct my wrongs, and with the gift of Self-For-GIFT-ness, I’m willing, able and will to press on.

Writing has never been my suit of interest I’d rather talk my way right out of it, in grade school what made me hate writing so much was writing “I will not talk”, a hundred times on the black board, so I became an introvert and didn’t know what to say, so when a conversation came up, I would just walk away. I guess one way of looking at it, I thought writing was only about everything else, out there in a world of fiction instead of here about myself. Because I didn’t know anything, I had nothing to write about, I would just walk around with my head down, with a guard over my mouth, but that didn’t stop my mind I tell you, it was working overtime, back then if I wrote about the things I thought, some would say that it’s a crime.

I see personal journals as external memory banks to remember what you did, that’s probably why I never liked them ever since I was a kid. A good way to get caught up if someone find out about what you wrote, being that they are all based on other people, how they made you feel and your emotions., but writing about self is something totally different all together, (as a Journey to life) because in bringing it back to Self, there’s no one else to answer, to but you know I have a lot to say, like my investigations of everything that made me feel this way, about life now, how I view things, how I viewed things, and what has changed, the things I still need to work on when at times I experience pain.

We wrote the bible and all the scriptures, even the plans for our life, we wrote the dictionary and all the word and still didn’t get it right. We wrote the constitution and all the laws and broke them all ever since, I mean what’s the use of writing at all, if it doesn’t make common sense. I’m now convinced of an entire different story, then what I read and heard growing up, resistance would have me to stop writing by saying; ‘Just give up”. Nope.

This is a tool that I’ve been missing (writing) this whole time throughout my life, this is a tool that I was given to make things alright and for that I am grateful for what little I do experience as change (as I am still walking my process), what I’ve learned of my entire body being my brain, so writing I will do as consistent as I can, I mean you might not understand some of it, but I’m writing with a plan, to put me down on paper and to face me for what I see, and once I see that I’ve faced it all, a change man I will be, but until then; “ I Keep Writings”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have thought writings was useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought writing was only done as a projection to everything outside of myself, so I didn’t like writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop liking to write, stop writing in grade school when I was told to write, “I will not talk” a hundred times on the black board so I became an introvert.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the importance of writings as in the investigation of oneself, throughout my life, until I found Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when now writing about myself, have written things and forgotten what I wrote, forgotten my commitments and had to start back over again, from the perspective of having to re-apply my self-forgiveness on not walking/living the commitments I’ve written.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past have written about other people, what I’ll do to them as an assumption of things happening a certain way, when writing music/raps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have written about what I have/had, material things and how others would make me feel, in my past, in writing music/raps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have written things throughout my life with no purpose or substance to it, but only superficial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in my past and a few times nowadays, written about what other people have said and not what I actually lived/live, because I didn’t know shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hated writing if it was any form of work, like when I started writing as assignments, because I first off resisted facing me. But when I saw the good effect in had on me changing and becoming more aware of things, I grown to like it. So;

When and as I see myself resisting in any way what so ever writing, (which haven’t been the case really), where I would then want to put it off until later, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the importance of writing, especially when it comes to writing about oneself, as this is a tool that has helped me to understand more of who I am in so many ways and so now if I don’t write I don’t feel right, I feel as if something is missing and so;

I commit myself to staying consistent with my writing and to continue writing exactly how I see it and if there are correction to be made, to be seen within my writing, I will make them and continue until I get it right, as these Writings have changed my life.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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