Day 384: My Imagination

My-ImaginationI never had an imaginary friend growing up, I only had two (2) real friends that lived on my block that every time we would play, we’d imagine ourselves being the greatest person doing whatever we’re playing about. For example, we would play basketball and imagine ourselves being Michael Jordon of the Chicago Bulls or Magic Johnson of the LA Lakers or Isaiah Thomas of the Detroit Pistons and create the scenario around being in the last few seconds of the world championship game, with the clock whining down and 5, 4, 3, 2, then we’d take the last shot, 1 and win the game with the buzzard beater shot and the crowd goes wild yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

At that point in life, I never considered what the world was like, the world I knew (and I’m sure for most) was my block, my school, my church and the neighborhood we lived in, plus we didn’t have a TV so my imagination was based on what I saw in the physical and heard people say, but once I got a bit older and curious about life, I started realizing more with my imagination, where I started adding things together in my mind to make sense out of life/what I was seeing and going through like; “Ah yeah, that’s why this is” and “This is why they do that”, and had it made up in my mind all the reasons behind what I was seeing and experiencing to be what was really going on, as I pieced things together. But even still nobody was explaining anything to me (because back then, being the youngest boy of 8 kids, it was like, the lessor he knows the safer he’ll be and I hated that) so I made things up in my mind that made sense to me and didn’t tell no one what I was thinking and/or how I saw thing, because whenever I would try and say something, I would get the “Shut up boy, you don’t know nothing” treatment by my siblings, which in essence was the catapult to me becoming an introvert, with a deep seeded imagination.

From then on I really didn’t say much or talked to people, but only if they said something to me, what I did do though was to imagine about them, how they were, what type of person they were, what type of family they live in and would they like me if they knew me, I mean that’s a pretty extensive imagination about someone, but with this imagination I limited myself to the enjoyment of seclusion with my imagination and didn’t make many friends or want to meet new people, my imagination was enough for me, which is kind of fucked up, because we don’t realize by suppressing others expression/speech/talk, what we do to them, that will stick with them throughout their life time and you know what, you will have to face that point for what you’ve done to them and walk through it. That one singular point and everything that happens/happened to them in their life was/is because of you suppressing their expression/speech, so man up, face yourself and STOP doing this to people, because it sucks.

Anyway, when I got out on my own, TV, Movies, Shows, Commercials, Slogans, Advertisements in Magazines added with the Policeman in my head and the End of the World Phenomena, only made my imagination that much more erotic and alive in my mind, so then I started imagining what if bad things happen, like what I would see being played out in the movies, where I would experience myself reacting in fear to and believing that what I was imagining would come true, which I now realize is one of the main reasons why this world has gone to hell in a handbasket real fast, because of our imagination, what we see and then imagine happening, then happens.

How many of you have imagined yourself in a relationships with a certain person that you know, don’t know, trying to get to know, want to know and or just met and thought; “This person is interesting, I want to get to know them”, then brought up an old memory from your past and imagined the same happening again of what you’ve been through in that relationship or something they said or did to trigger the memory coming up within and as you, so you then cut it off/stopped it before it even started, because your imagination then kicked in, where you assumed that they weren’t ready for you, but in fact it was your imaginative assumption of the person that made you cut it off or not pursue it any further? Raise your Hand.

I can say that I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum, where on either end it’s messed up because you have either limited yourself with imagination and/or the expectations of something happening, which is how we’ve made going into a relationship that much harder because of it.

Hindsight and investigation is a cool thing because in looking back at the earliest I can remember realizing my imagination, to what it has transform into throughout the years up until to today makes it easier for me to;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the land of imagination in my mind as far back as I can remember, growing up as a child and playing with friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have imagined myself as a few famous basketball players in a championship game, hitting the buzzard beater winning shot and imagining the crowd going wild, while playing basketball with my friends when I was a kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to growing up base my imagination on what I saw in the physical and heard people say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I got older and curious about life, in realizing my imagination, I started adding things together in my mind to make sense out of life/what I was seeing and going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up in my mind all the reasons behind what I was seeing and experiencing to be what was really going on, as I pieced things together using my imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become secluded in my mind with imagination, being that I was the youngest boy of 8, I was treated as; “the lessor he knows the safer he’ll would be” type thing, and so when I would try and say something, I would be told; “Shut up boy, you don’t know nothing” and took that as a sign that nobody wanted to hear what I had to say and became an introvert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an introverted person.
Within that; I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I would limit myself to the “enjoyment” of seclusion with my imagination and didn’t make many friend or want to meet new people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I got out on my own with the combination of TV, Movies, Shows, Commercials, Slogans, Advertisements in Magazines added with the Policeman in my head and the End of the World Phenomena, only made my imagination that much more erotic and alive in my mind. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then start imagining what if bad things happen, like what I would see being done in the movies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react in fear to my imagination and believing what I was imagining would come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in an illusionary world, where I believed that my imaginations would come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have imagined myself in a relationship with someone and then let my imagination talk me out of it, by bringing up an old memory of a past relationship and/or a person triggered the memory to come up within and as me, where I then cut it off, because I imagined the same would happen again, then I experience the same happening to me as I was told later by a mutual friend that someone liked me a while back, but didn’t say anything.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my imagination as the collective of humanities, is one of the main reasons why this world has gone to hell in a hand basket real quick, because of our imagination, what we see and then imagine happening, then happens. So;

When and as I see myself going into my imagination land, in my mind in creating what if scenarios, as the pictures/movies in my head as well as imagining bad things happening to me and/or people in my world, being that in which I saw in a movie and/or on TV and start reacting in fear to the illusion in my head, to an extent, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that fear brings the manifestation of what we have allowed as this world gone to hell in a hand basket, which means, by my participation within my imagination, I am part cause of the fucked up things that’s happening in this world, as within so without, so

I commit myself to no longer accepted and allow myself to imagine myself as someone, with someone, how I imagine them to be, with or without expectations, bad things happening to me in my world and/or any relationship building or dismissing, but instead to I’m-Age-In, get to know myself for who I am, without stressing about my age and who I’m with/not with, as when the time comes the right person will be there.

I commit myself to image me as who I am as life and live up to it.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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