Day 376: Reactionary Self

Reactionary-Self“Hold on, what, what just happen, why am I feeling like this, I don’t know how to take what they just did, I’m trying to keep it cool, but there’s this movement going on inside me, am I really mad, why did they do this to me/make me feel this way, what did I do to them, hold on, calm down, but no wait, I am calm, so why am I still thinking about it so much, should I say something, what should I say, how will they take it, well, it doesn’t matter, they need to get to know me, because if I let it go by once, then it’ll happen again and again and again, then I’ll be seen as weak and/or gullible and no, I can’t have that, I’m a man and a man should stand up for what he believes in, that’s the way I was raised, but on the other hand, turn the other cheek, why so they can smack that side to, I don’t think so, fuck that, Ima……….. STOP.

How many time have things like this ran through your mind, where you then became reactionary in a way where looking back on it you wished you could take it all back, but the damage has already been done? Although for most part you did not initiate it / start it or perpetuate any action to bring this upon yourself, but yet and still, when at the doorstep of a situation our reactionary stance is the act of turning the doorknob and opening the door to conflict, meaning at that point is the decision of a life time (I’ll say) all in a spit second, where the road splits into two (2) sections per se, and you are then given a choice to either react or take action, being that of stopping your reactionary self, before you react. It’s a very very fine line, where if you have a bit of awareness, you could easily elude yourself into believing that you’re fine with no reaction when in fact you are reacting, but have hidden it behind the veil of saying; “I will not react”, I will not react”, and by are saying to yourself; “I will not react”, you have in fact reacted, very subtly, which is worse than having an outburst, seeing that as a release, but instead we harbor it within and as us, which we then experience self-inflicted pain onto our physical bodies and the more we continue in our minds about the situation, the worse it gets and into a mind possession we go, then we have an in burst and by the time we’ve noticed it, we’ve set ourselves back so far within our own process it’s feels like you’re starting from square one, all because we reacted without taking action, when someone else pushed your button.

And what’s really crazy is that at the point of you being reactionary, doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else, but you taking up your own cross and baring it, because you are for sure crucifying yourself without even knowing it. What they have to walk through, is theirs to bare, and if you just so happen to wish bad on them (catch 22) you will bare theirs with them as well, that’s why it’s a very very fine line at the doorstep of any situation, so therefore being Reactionary is unwarranted and self-sabotage, when in a moment of breath, that’s all it takes for you to clear yourself enough to make an aware decision and direct the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactionary, when my buttons were pushed, where in standing at the doorstep of a situation, I react by opening up the door to conflict, which stems from an influx of thoughts draped in uncertainty and releasing the scent of stress and anxiety with a hint of fear, frustration and anger, hidden beneath the dress of me saying; “I will not react”, “I will not react” and in fact react, with emotions compiling and accumulating to the point of a mind possession and experiencing being overwhelmed, then I in burst, as an eruption of nastiness overflowing out of me onto toward anyone in my path, as collateral damage in a war with my mind, by the time it’s all said and done, looking back on the mess I made and forward to the consequences I’ve paved as a road to walk down, I become down on myself for not once throughout that entire time stop my mind by taking a breath, so that I may see things clearly. The undeniable truths that there was a point way back in the beginning where I should have chosen to turn away from this door, face and direct the situation, but too much of an egotistical mind fuck, wouldn’t allow me to humble myself and place myself into the mind of the other person, in which case I would have saw myself as me. And so for this;

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand me in the madness of it all, as all the things I have participated in throughout my life as a master controller, being willing, able and having pushed the buttons of countless amounts of people in my world, unaware that I was doing so as my reactionary self I let dictate my life under the guise of getting even and/or helping, the ultimate excuse of this was coming to you, you had it coming because of what you did, by playing judge I have judged myself to the purgatory of experiencing that in which I’ve dished out towards others throughout my life, which is now a consequential gift for/to myself to lift myself whenever I see myself starting to fail in taking responsibility for my reactionary self. So;

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be reactionary when standing at the doorstep of a situation, but instead to breathe, assess and take action in directing the situation to the best possible outcome for the both parties involved, just as easy as it is to feed myself when I’m hungry.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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