Day 339: From Creating a Fall to Falling to Standing Back Up

FallingFor me it all starts with that first thought, where I think that I want/need or desire something, being that I have had this thing (whatever it is) before and for some reason or another, I have then followed this thought around in my mind to the point of wanting to experience this thing again. It feels like every morsel in your body is telling you (like the devil on your shoulder), “What’s the harm in trying it one more time” and “Do you remember how it felt the first before, then this time it will feel even more better” and we answer this devil (ourselves) with “Yeah why not, all the conditions are right” and if someone else is involved, we used them as a scapegoat and catapult to the go ahead and experience this want/need or desire and excuse it as “Well they initiated it and I couldn’t refuse” and also most importantly, we think and say to ourselves “Nothing is going to happen to them”, “Why should something happen to me”. Then you start to receive all the warning sign, like in my case when this happened to me, my phone went to Emergency calls only, along with other things/signs that I saw as plain as day, as in saying Don’t do it, Don’t do it, but by that time, we think the temptation is too hard to resist; But what if we would have resisted the temptation, that would have been the breakthrough we needed to transcend that point.

But we didn’t and now we are in the midst of falling and what was interesting for me was, while I experienced the perceived feeling of enjoyment, I couldn’t help but to think about the shit I had gotten myself into and what would happen afterward. I mean it was so strong that this perceived feeling of enjoyment faded away and the fall became like a chore, so to speak, so in all actuality the warning signs during, made in the midst of the fall unenjoyable, but (another excuse) sense my fall involved someone else, I still didn’t stop. And then Afterwards “Oh Boy”.

Afterwards I experienced the most fucked up feeling you could ever imagine, where oddly enough everything becomes silent, absolutely quiet, where you sit there within the darkness of yourself, without one thought coming up within and as you, pondering on What the Fuck did you “Knowingly” just did/participated in. I mean the feeling is unimaginable, (unless you’ve experienced such a fall) where you know you just fucked up and there’s nothing that you can do, that will change what you just did. Talk about beating yourself up, is an understatement, where (hypothetically speaking) you just want to rip your skin off and start with a new body. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but this was the first time I ever experienced a real fall, meaning I knew what I was getting myself into and I knew the consequences that would follow, but still kept right on going. And the hard part for me to get over was, thinking about how well I was doing, before the fall, and to let all I had done up until that point go right out the window for a few minutes of perceived pleasure.

Was it worth it; LOLOL, NO. Now comes the point of standing back up. If you’re not careful you’ll find yourself chasing after the person you was before the fall, which I have found will lead to another fall and/or bring you to the doorstep of another fall, in which you will most likely experience the same thing over again, where it then will be ten times harder to stand up again. What I realized is that I had to start over again as if it was day one of my process, while using this fall as a stepping stone (a gift) in showing me the nature of my ways, meaning how bad things can really get, If I am not 100% focused on my process, I mean it took me quite a why’ll to stop beating myself up over it, plus with the assistance of a friend who commented on the posts I had wrote about the incident, which made me realize that I wasn’t the first one to ever fall, lol and that the next point was to stand back up, which was another cool realization, but all and all I did stand and here today as proof that one can experience a fall and get back up and continue walking process.

This wouldn’t have been possible, if I hadn’t learned what a fall is in the first place and it is important to understand that all falls are not just some big huge event that one will go through, I mean a fall can be as simple as participating in your mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions, reactions, backchat and internal conversations, which perpetuate your ways and behaviors, that you have committed yourself, not to participate in, in its specificity, but then find that you still do, which mean they require more investigation in order for you to release myself from them completely, so they will never come up again and for this, I am a work in progress.

Learn how to Stop yourself from Falling. HERE.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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