Day 332: I’m Tired of This S.H.I.T.

Im-tired-of-this-shitAcronym = Still Holding Internal Turmoil. Have you ever had this gut feeling that feels like something just isn’t right within you, that something is misaligned inside you and you just can’t pin point it? I mean it seems as if you are doing everything that you possibly can within your process as far as stopping your thoughts the moment you catch them as they come up and every point within your life is processed based, where every moment of the day you are interacting and/or participating in things that are process related, but at times you still have this uneasy or unsettled feeling coming up within and as you. And at the same time, your computer start acting strange and shit, so you then start to joggle your brain around what could it be and nothing comes up and you’re like ARRGH, ‘What is it that I’m not doing, and it seems as if you tried everything, but you still have the same thoughts come up, where you react to them the same way no matter what you do and there’s nobody to tell you shit, because you’re walking this process alone remember, I mean what the fuck do you do”? How do you ask the question; “What is it that I’m missing, that I’m not doing correctly?

Goes to question, am I really tired of thinking the same old thoughts, am I really tired of experiencing the same old emotions and feelings, am I really tired of bringing up the same old memories, am I really tired, of wondering what other people think about me, (although I know that I’m making this shit up in my head), am I really tired of comparing my process to someone else’s process, am I really tired of thinking about other people, am I really tired of thinking about relationships that I’ve been in and projecting towards a future relationship, as if it’s two (2) seconds away from now, am I really tired of thinking that I’m being controlled, by someone or something, because I am learning how to reference the pain I experience in different parts of my physical body, (I mean is this new for me? Yes) but am I really tired of blaming someone or something for what I experience within me, am I really tired of saying sorry to myself and everything around me, when I fuck up and check myself in all self-honesty, am I really tired of re-living my past in my mind, am I really tired of being tired, am I really tired of being sick and tired of being tired, until I’m sick of it and get tired from thinking too much, am I REALLY tired or this S.H.I.T.?

This internal turmoil, that I experience at times, is not really me and if I’m asking these questions, it’s not who I want to be, there is only one way that I now know how to find out what it’s all about and that way is, by starting with writing it out, so;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tired of this S.H.I.T. as in the internal turmoil that I experience within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience internal turmoil as this internal fighting with myself and at times not being able to stop my mind from controlling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Still Hold Internal Turmoil within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internally fight with myself at time to stop my mind from controlling me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to control me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my directive principle to my mind, while realizing what I am doing and afterward, become frustrated that I did so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this gut feeling that feels like something just isn’t right within me, that something is misaligned inside me and I just can’t pin point it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that me not being able to pin point what it is that I am experiencing, is a form of me giving up, so that I can still live within the world of blaming others for what I am experiencing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the world of blaming others for what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seem as if I’m doing everything that I possibly can within my process as far as stopping my thoughts, the moment I catch them as they come up, not realizing that the act of “seeming as if”, is not the act of doing profoundly, so apparently I am not doing every that I possibly can within my process as far as stopping my thoughts and so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do everything that I can within my process as far as stopping my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to although every point within my life is processes based, I am still not doing enough to stop the internal turmoil I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when my computer start acting strange and shit, where I then start joggle my brain around what could it be and nothing comes up, but I know it’s something that I’m not doing, which most of the times is as simple but complexed as, remembering to realize my breathe and complexed because, I still experience resistance towards breathing, so I end up losing focus and count of my four count breath and for that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards breathing and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose focus and count of my four count breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that no one can help me, because I am walking this process alone, which is a literal excuse for not wanting to ask question and receive assistance, out of fear of being seen as not knowing, which is Ironic because I should be asking questions because I already don’t know everything. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions, because of my perceiving that others would judge me, and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I’m only judging myself and the only way to get to know what’s going on inside me, is to ask question from someone who has walked what I am currently walking through and that way I can push pass, what I am experiencing as this internal turmoil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the same old thoughts, instead of stopping my participation within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the same old emotions and feelings each time, instead of stopping my participation within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, bring up the same old memories each time, instead of stopping my participation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder what other people think about me, although I realize that I making this shit up in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to someone else’s process, although I know that comparison is detrimental to my physical body and the two processes have no bearing on one another, because they are walked individually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about other people and their processes, instead of focusing on my own, 100% of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about relationships that I have been in and project towards a future relationship, as if it was two (2) seconds away from now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I’m being controlled by someone or something, because I am learning how to reference the pain I experience in different parts of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone or something for what I experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-live my past in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know all of this S.H.I.T. that I am still doing, but still haven’t gotten over the pattern, that I have engrained within me of doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be really tired of being sick and tired of being tired, until I’m sick of it and get tired from thinking too much. I’m really Tired of the S.H.I.T.

When and as I see myself being tired of this S.H.I.T as in the internal turmoil that I experience as this internal fighting with myself, where at times I accept and allow my mind to control me, by giving my directive principle away to my mind and becoming frustrated that I did so, which starts with this gut feeling that feels like something isn’t right within me, that something is misaligned inside me and I just can’t pin point it, I stop and breathe and do something about it. I see/realize/understand that me not being able to pin point what it is that I am experiencing, is a form of me giving up, so that I can still live within a world of blaming others for what I am experiencing and so I commit myself to retaking control and directive principle from my mind and stopping this internal turmoil that I am experiencing, by stopping fighting with myself and instead of fighting to investigate this feeling, where did it come from and the first thought that initiated it, so that I am able to abide with self instead of fighting with self.

When and as I see myself seeming as if I am doing everything that I possibly can within my process as far as stopping my thought, the moment I catch them as they come up, I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that the act of “seeming as if” is not the act of doing profoundly, so apparently I am not doing everything that I possibly can within my process as far as stopping my thoughts, which is like saying, I meant to tell you something, but only said hello, when what you meant to tell them could have helped them out of a situation, but you did. I also realize that I am only prolong my process in doing this.

So I commit myself to no longer seeming as if nothing, but instead to do profoundly, meaning to apply the tools that I was given effectively and walk my corrective application in every moment of every breath.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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