Day 330: Hidden Anxiety

hidden-anxietyFor some time now I have been experiencing this movement, coming up within my solar plexus that I couldn’t describe, wherever a situation would arise, or whenever something would be coming up that I had to take care of and/or do. Now this movement, was sort of a shaky vibration and Harding of my stomach at time, almost like a nervous type feeling but why, because this would be just another normal situation and/or something that I have handled before and it’s now time for me to handle it again, I mean it wouldn’t necessarily be a problematic situation or anything as such, but just another normal thing I had to do, but sure enough, each time these things would come up for me to handle, this subtle shakiness would be there as well, whenever I thought about what I had to do.

After investigating more on what it was, the word anxiety came up, which was something I thought was only visible on the surface of a person who would be/become frantic, nervous and stressing out about things, I mean this wasn’t me, so I thought, but realized that what I was doing with this anxiety was suppressing it and not letting it come to the surface, so what I was experiencing was Hidden Anxiety, where my constant participation in thinking about what I had to do, such as, an up and coming meeting with business partners or something along those lines, would bring up this anxiety within myself, because of my overthinking about, what will be discussed and/or agreed upon, before the meeting ever took place and instead of correcting myself for it, I would push it down deep within me and continue adding onto the thoughts I already had about the meeting that would take place, on how I would perceive it will go and stress myself out about the different variable, in assuming what if it goes this way and that way and I would have to combat that with directing the outcome back this or that way. Wow I mean that’s quite a bit for a meeting that hadn’t taken place yet. Funny thing is, when the meeting would take place, it would be something totally different than what I expected, which brings up another point of having expectations that I’ve written about in a previous post.

It’s pretty interesting how most of us in humanity never realize that we have this hidden anxiety within us, we just think that it’s a normal thing to be, (what we call) prepared for the “worst case scenario” of sorts, not once ever considering this playout in our heads/minds, is the manifestation of such “worst case scenario”, I mean not saying that it will instantly manifest as a worst case scenario, but overthinking is in fact the catapult to getting you to the worst case scenario. So these thing we give ourselves anxiety over and then try and hide this anxiety, as if nothing is going on inside of us and once it’s all said and done, the next time we look in the mirror, out pops a grey hair, and we say; “Man I’m getting old” when in fact we had just Mind Possessed ourselves.

Looking back over my life, I now see at times when this hidden anxiety was extensive and not knowing what it was, we called it the bubble guts, where your insides would get all bubbly, to where you would have to use the bathroom before doing anything, because you were thinking too much about the outcome of something that hadn’t happened yet. I mean we think to the point where fear arise and yes this fear will manifest and unfavorable outcome, which I have experienced a numerous amount of times, growing up.

And most importantly this Hidden anxiety may and will cause one to not think straight, so when you do enter a situation and/or a normal occurrence you might say the wrong thing and or make an incorrect decision, so I would suggest investigating it for yourself as I have, because I see how this hidden anxiety I experienced is harmful to my wellbeing and detrimental to my decision making process, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have s accepted and allowed myself to suppress this anxiety and thus give myself/experience within myself hidden anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for some time experience this movement, coming up within my solar plexus, that I at first couldn’t describe, whenever a situation would arise, or whenever something would be coming up that I had to take care of and/or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this movement as sort of a shaky vibration and Harding of my stomach, almost like a nervous type feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize until I investigated more that this movement I was experiencing was anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that anxiety was something only visible on the surface of a person who would become frantic, nervous and stressing out about things, which I thought wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that I definitely was experiencing anxiety, but what I was doing with this anxiety was suppressing it and not letting it come to the surface, to where I then experienced Hidden Anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hidden anxiety, where my constant participation in thinking about what I had to do, such as, an up and coming meeting with business partners or something along those lines, would bring up this anxiety within myself, because of my overthinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in giving myself anxiety about an up and coming meeting, overthink about what will be discussed and/or agreed upon, before the meeting ever took place and instead of correcting myself for it, I would push it down deep within me and continue adding onto the thoughts I already had about the different variables, in assuming what if it goes this way and that way and I would have to combat that with directing the outcome back this or that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized that I have this hidden anxiety within me and thought that it was a normal thing to be, (what I called) prepared for a “worst case scenario” of sorts, not once ever considering this playout in my head/mind, is the manifestation of such “worst case scenario”., not saying that it will instantly manifest as a worst case scenario, but overthinking is in fact the catapult to getting to the worst case scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself anxiety and try and hide this anxiety, as if nothing is going on inside of me and once it’s all said and done, the next time I looked into a mirror I discovered a grey hair and have said to myself; “Man I’m getting old”, when in fact, I had just Mind Possessed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up a memory of a time in my life when this hidden anxiety was extensive, where not knowing what it was called, I called it the bubble guts, where my insides would become all bubbly and I would have to use the bathroom before doing anything, because I was thinking too much about the outcome of something that hadn’t happen yet. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to the point where fear arise and yes this fear would manifest and unfavorable outcome, which I then would and have experienced a numerous amount of times, growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let this hidden anxiety cause me to not think straight to where at times, when I have entered a situation or a normal occurrence, I have said the wrong thing and/or have made an incorrect decision.

I see/realize/understand that this hidden anxiety I experienced, is harmful to my wellbeing and detrimental to my decision making process.

When and as I see myself experiencing this hidden anxiety, where I suppress the point of me overthinking about a normal occurrence of things that I must do and have normally done in my past, where I start envisioning the outcome to go a specific way/my way, before I have even had the chance to do anything, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this hidden anxiety is first off useless and is harmful to my wellbeing and could be detrimental to my decision making process, where because I’m in my mind and not present, I may not hear things correctly, which may cause me to make an incorrect decision, and thus jeopardize my business, if this occurrence is in relation to having a business meeting of sorts.

I also realize that if any movement what so ever is to come up within me, to stop myself from what I’m doing and investigate what it is and correct myself in real time, if I am on the move (not able to write it out in that present moment).

When and as I see myself thinking up a worst case scenario and telling myself that I am just being prepared, I stop and breathe and realize that this type of thinking is the first stages to manifesting this worst case scenario to happening and is an excuse for overthinking, which then lead to me experiencing anxiety, so fuck that.

I commit myself to no longer overthinking and bringing up this or that case scenario, in any case, but to instead remain stable in the current moment, so that when the actual moment comes to do something, my participation will be that which is best for all in that moment, with no preconceived idea on how thing show go or be.

I commit myself to no longer giving myself anxiety and/or harboring any hidden anxiety, but to instead face that which I am anxious about with stability in the moment of occurrence, in reality and not in my mind.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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