Day 323: Surrender

SurrenderIn Las Vegas there is a club inside one of the Casinos, connected to one of their swimming pools called Surrender, where people go and party. Within this club there are a few things that one can do like, gambling, dancing, socializing and drinking of course. For what it’s worth, this was one of the premier clubs in Las Vegas and everyone who went there was “somebody” so to speak, had status in the town or else you wouldn’t be able to get in.

It’s interesting how (looking back in hindsight) I would build myself up to go to this club every Wednesday
night, promptly and stand around for hours, surrendering myself to the temptations that was all around me, as if this was living life to the fullest.

I mean the things I have done in Surrender, in Surrendering myself over to these systems to take control of me, my body, direct how I acted out in character and participated within this fascinating little world and society of people, all with a common self-interest in mind, of ultimately leaving this place with someone, just to have sex with them, then couldn’t wait to go back the next week, same time, same place like clockwork, to do it all over again as a constant/continuous, repetitive, Surrendering of myself to my mind, was like Wow.

Now looking back on my life at all the time, I have Surrendered myself, meaning given up my rights to life for a momentary moment of enjoyment and excitement, I can see this pattern that was being formed that catapulted and accumulated to the point of my ultimate downfall, me losing everything, I mean survival will do this to you and to add in, wanting to “keep up with the Jones” (slang for the times) per se, just escalated thing happening faster.

So when looking at the word Surrender, I see how I have purposely Hindered myself from any chances at change, at times that would come my way, because I obviously saw change as a step back from the life I choose to live, plus with the stigma of change that I still had from growing up, within religion, where change was forced down my throat, so to speak, that’s when you get a cocktail for disaster and (hypothetically speaking) I would drink, did drink the whole thing, where by Surrendering myself, I became drunk off of stupidity and intoxicated with stubbornness.

I mean again no one could tell me shit, because this was my life and I was the best at living it, why’ll not seeing/realizing/understanding that in fact, I hadn’t even lived life as of yet, but had Surrendered my right to life away to my mind to live it for me. So for this I Surrender myself over to Self-Forgiveness;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I was somebody and had status, because I was able to get into one of the premier clubs in Las Vegas called Surrender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built myself up to go to this club every Wednesday night, promptly and stand around for hours, surrendering myself to the temptations that was all around me, as if this was living life to the fullest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to the temptations that was all around me, why’ll at this club Surrender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I was living life to the fullest, by being able to get in at this club and have what I have defined as having a good time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at Surrender, surrender myself over to these systems to take control of me, my body, direct how I acted out in character and participated within this fascinating little world and society of people, all with a common self-interest, of ultimately leaving this place with someone, just to have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a starting point of going to this club, Surrender, to ultimately leave with someone to have sex with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in looking back on my life, realize how I have Surrendered myself, meaning given up my right to life for a momentary moment of enjoyment and excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up my right to life at times throughout my life for a momentary moment of enjoyment and excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this pattern that I was forming would accumulate to the point of being the catapult to my ultimate downfall, me losing everything, because I wanted to “keep up with the Jones” (slang for the times) per se.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking at the word Surrender and my participation within it, can see how I have purposely Hindered myself from any chances at change, at times that would come my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have (back then) saw change as a step back from the life I choose to live, plus with the stigma of change that I still had from growing up, within religion where change was forced down my throat, so to speak, that’s when you get a cocktail for disaster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have (hypothetically speaking) drunk this cocktail of disaster, where by Surrendering myself, I became drunk off of stupidity and intoxicated with stubbornness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have surrendered my rights to life over to my mind to live my life for me, which ended in disaster of sort, which in a way is a gift, because now I am walking my process of; I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to surrender myself over to my mind to take control of my life and direct me into limiting myself into doing superficial things like going to clubs call Surrender with a starting point of experiencing a momentary moment of enjoyment and excitement, but instead to redefine surrender to that of; putting the energy (per se) that I used towards going out to clubs and getting drunk off of stupidity and intoxicated with stubbornness toward my process, Journey to Life, where I surrender myself to me, in getting to know who self is, who I am through and through: that I act, live, breathe what is best for all life, as I as life begin to live.

No more Giving up, only Standing up for Life.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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