Day 314: Look at Me

lOOK-AT-MELook at me, look how I look, look at what I’ve got, look at what I’ve done, did you see what I was wearing the other day? I was in a magazine, I was on the News, I was in the Newspaper. Did you see me on T.V.? Watch me do this or that, watch how I can do this and that. All eyes on me. Everybody was looking at me, because I was dressed fresh. I see you. You look good. Damn girl he’s handsome. Damn girl, you look good. (whistle whistle) These are some phrases of attention seeking, which we call morale booster, ego booster and/or these comments make me feel good about myself. I love a good compliment, but what’s really behind it all?

For me, it all started when I was child and we would go to church every Sunday, dressed to impress, where we would wear the best clothes we had, for the guys it would be our best 3-piece suit with the shiny dress shoe and for the girls, they’re best dress with the matching hand bag. This is what we called our Sunday’s best. Anyway this is where, I learned attention seeking, where every time I would go to church, I would get all of these compliments from older people, women especially saying; “Oh look at you, you’re just so handsome” and “you look sharp boy”, so seeing that people was taking notice of me, via what I was wearing, I built this little character persona around me of, dressing to impress others. I mean because these compliment for some reason made me feel good about myself and I liked that feeling, so each time I would get a compliment, I would become more confident with myself, as who I was per this persona, I was building as who I am. And that’s where my seeking of attention started from, going to church.

Within that it wasn’t too hard to figure out, that if I (of course) looked different and did things that no one else could do, I would get all the attention for it and everyone would “like me” (per se) for what I could do and so that’s what I did, I chased after the Glamour in everything.

Look at me, became my addiction of sorts, where the twist was, I was an introverted person who always wanted the attention of others, always wanted others to look at me, but don’t talk to me in a sense, because I wasn’t a communication specialist. Meaning I didn’t know how to communicate, but I sure did look the part. I knew that to get the attention I required to fulfill my addiction, I needed to be able to do things that other couldn’t, so I taught myself how to dance and flip, back flip front flip, cartwheel, round off layout, tucks, you name it and so when the time came I would show off. Well the time finally came, where during my senior year of high school, I became mascot and during the pep rallies and football games, I would go out in front of the crowd and dance and flip up and down the field and the crowd would go wild.

From then on after high school, my thing was dressing to impress, where, being that there wasn’t too much that I could do physically in the real world to impress people, (I mean I couldn’t necessarily run up and down the streets doing flips all day) I reverted back to my childhood, where I learned how to dress to impress others, and that once again, became my forte.

Now that I’m walking process, I have become more aware of myself and the patterns that comes up within and as me, so today as I was getting dress and putting on some new clothes I had recently bought, I found myself bring up this old pattern of “Look at Me”, where in my mind (while looking in the mirror) I fast forward into my day, in wanting others to look at me and see what I was wearing, to try and impress them and possibly receive a compliment of sorts. When what I wear shouldn’t be about them. So for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted others to look at me, how I Look, what I have, what I’m wearing, at what I can do, what I have done and where I have been, in relation to seeking attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted all eyes on me and to receive good comments and compliments for the way I looked and dressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken these phrases of attention seeking as morale boosters, ego boosters and/or these comments make me feel good about myself, where I loved a good compliment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that these types of compliment from a seeking attention starting point are superficial and are only designed to boost my ego, which shows that they are not real compliment, but only made out of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a little character persona of dressing to impress others, around being told that I looked handsome and sharp, after I saw that people was taking notice of me, via what I was wearing, when I was a child growing up and going to church every Sunday. This is where I learned attention seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these compliments as the cause for me to feel good about myself and so each time I would get a compliment, I would become more confident within myself, as who I was, per this persona, I was building as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that compliments, was/is the maker of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that if I looked different and did things that no one else could do, I would get all the attention for it and everyone else would “like me” (per se) for what I could do and so that’s what I did. I chased after the Glamor in everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘Look at me’ become my addiction of sorts, where the twist was, I was an introverted person who always wanted the attention of others, always wanted others to look at me, but don’t talk to me in a sense, because I wasn’t a communication specialist, meaning I didn’t know how to communicate, but sure did look the part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after high school, revert back to my childhood, where I learned how to dress to impress others and once again let this become my forte.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dress to impress others in seeking attention from them, in hopes of a compliment, via the clothes I wore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this morning, as I was getting dressed and putting on some new clothes I had recently bought, found myself bringing up this old pattern of “Look at Me”, where in my mind (while looking in the mirror), I fast forward into my day, in wanting others to look at me and see what I was wearing, to try and impress them and possibly receive a compliment of sorts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this morning found myself momentarily revert back into my old pattern of looking to impress others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my new clothes shouldn’t be about what others think about me wearing them, but the comfortability of me wearing them for myself. And so

When and as I see myself reverting back to my childhood, where I bring up this old pattern of; “Look at Me” at what I’m wearing in seeking attention, trying to impress others for some kind of compliment of sorts, and thinking that it’s a morale booster instead of realizing it to be only an ego booster, which dies just as fast as the compliment is given, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this pattern I have patronized within and as me since childhood, I believed myself to be as this character persona I created of dressing to impress in seeking attention, is not me, so instead of seeking attention, to be the attention that I seek, in paying attention to my words/ways/actions and indeed to making sure that I attend to my process and no longer accept and allow myself to separate me in any way from what I wear and any compliment I receive or not, because nothing should move me.

I commit myself to complimenting me when I see myself no longer following a pattern from my past, where this becomes my morale booster in accordance to remaining stable and here within my process of attending to me, because I don’t need anything outside of myself to complete me, but me.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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