Day 313: Nobody else

Nobody-elseWhen I was a child, whenever I would get in trouble, I would always think, why didn’t this or that person get in trouble, which showed that I was more concerned with what happened or didn’t happen to other people, instead of really realizing what was going to happen to me. In my mind I would say; “Well they did it too”, but would never express or tell anyone what they did, if it wasn’t already known, I just kept it to myself and accepted the punishment I was given, but then would go back and get on the other person, for me getting caught and getting in trouble.

Now growing up from there, I always longed for the day to be free from getting in trouble and out on my own, doing what I wanted to do, where nobody could tell me anything and I didn’t have to worry about getting in trouble. So the first few years of being out on my own, I carried with me a stigma of thinking that I would get in trouble, where I would have to tell myself; “Hold on, momma’s not around, I’m not going to get in trouble” and do what it was that I wanted to do or stop thinking about it after I did it.

After a while I finally got over the stigma part, which then turned into real life getting in trouble, with the do’s and don’ts of case laws we’re governed by, I mean within this, there still would be nobody else but me getting in trouble and yes, I still kept to myself and faced the consequences for it, by myself.

Being that this type of trouble was different than getting in trouble growing up, there was still a sense of; (Backchat) “Man why don’t this or that person ever get in trouble”, not to excuse it, but I didn’t dwell on it that much, but saw the point still prevalent in any case.

This pattern that I see is rather interesting because, getting in trouble and having someone (an authority figure), like your parents or the law to answer to, is one thing, but on the other hand, why’ll walking process and having to be self-honest and answer to yourself is another, but still I found myself following this same old pattern, but slightly different in a sense of whenever I make a mistake or fuck up by myself in my own personal process and then have to answer to Myself, I still find myself bringing up what other people have done (towards me or not) as some kind of way of over shadowing what I did in my own life in my own process, to myself, which is another form of projecting blame, although you are the culprit the victim and the cause of your own mishap, so in seeing this pattern still existent within myself, I must and will correct me because it’s Nobody Else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always thought why didn’t this or that person get in trouble as well, when I was a child and would get in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been more concerned about what would happen or didn’t happen to other people, instead of really realizing what was going to happen to me, back then during that time, in relation to me getting in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after I would get in trouble, go back and get on the other person who didn’t get in trouble, for me getting caught and getting in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, the first few years of being out on my own, carry a stigma of thinking that I would get in trouble, where I would have to tell myself, “Hold on, momma’s not around, I’m not going to get in trouble”, then I would do what it was that I wanted to do or stop thinking about it after I did it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten in trouble in relation to the do’s and don’ts of case laws and have still found myself having the backchat of, “Man why don’t this or that person ever get in trouble”, although it was nobody else fault but mine, for getting in trouble by myself. So man up and leave other people out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to (why’ll walking process) have found myself following this same old pattern, but slightly different in a sense of whenever I make a mistake or fuck up by myself, in my own personal process and then have to answer to myself, I still find myself bringing up what other people have done (towards me or not) as some kind of way of over shadowing what I did in my own life, in my own process, to myself, which is another form of projecting blame, although I am the culprit, the victim and the cause of my own mishap.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring up what other people have done (towards me or not) as some kind of way of overshadowing what I did in my own life and will take responsibility for.

When and as I see myself looking for faults in others outside of myself to over shadow my own mishap/mistakes, that I have made by myself in my own process, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is a pattern that I have created and followed since I was a child growing up and would get in trouble, that I’ve carried throughout my life, where it’s time for me to man up and release myself from this pattern, in taking complete responsibility for myself and Nobody Else.

I commit myself to no longer holding on to this same old pattern that I have continued to follow for so long, but instead to leave other people out of it and self-honestly answer to myself for what I have done to myself, as this is the fastest way to correct my mistakes/downfalls and mishaps in my own process, because there is nothing that Nobody Else can do about me changing myself or not. I chose to change.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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