Day 312: How many Times

How-many-timesSo today, I want to write about a point that came up why’ll working, that I had a realization on.

How many times have you gotten angry after the fact of doing something, because you knew before had what would happen?

In relations to getting angry after the fact, there have been times throughout my life that, why’ll let’s say, I was moving something, but didn’t have a nice grip on things, in my mind I knew there was a good possibility that I would either drop it or lose my grip, because I wasn’t holding it correctly and/or break it when/if I dropped it and then have the backchat of “fuck, I knew this would happen”, but most of the time, I would play the victim role as in saying in my mind, (more backchat) “why does these things always happen to me”. Now the anger point, I would always project outward towards something or someone’s fault that made me think about them in the process of, when I was moving said thing, when I should have been focusing on what I was doing, it’s pretty insane because, I didn’t want to take responsibility for what I’d done, and better yet, I really had no Idea why I was even angry, because it was me who dropped and/or broke the thing in the first place.

So, the other day, I finally realized why I would get angry, when a situation as such would arise. What I realized is that, the anger would be towards myself, because beforehand, I knew what would happen, but didn’t listen to myself telling me to focus on what I was doing, but instead, I would just rush through it, in not paying direct attention to what I was doing and/or being sloppy about doing it, anyway I was moving a two piece unit of sorts, which is connected slightly on both sides and instead of holding both pieces why’ll moving it, I grabbed the top piece, (which can be carried that way if careful) but I was rushing a bit and drop it, (it’s wasn’t breakable) and then I noticed a stench of anger that came up within and as me, where I said “fuck”, but then asked myself, why did I get angry and at that moment realized that the anger was towards myself, because I didn’t listen to myself telling me to focus on what I was doing, and that I realized is why I would always get angry in that type of situation, whenever I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, but knew the consequence for not paying attention to what I was doing and watch it play out in real time. So for this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question, how many times I repeated the pattern of getting angry after the fact of doing something, because I knew beforehand what would happen, without investigating it up until this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become angry after the fact of doing something, because I knew beforehand what would happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have known what would happen why’ll moving something, but not take heed to what I knew and because I didn’t have a nice grip on things and was rushing to move the item, I ended up dropping and/or breaking it, then would getting angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would get angry, have the backchat of; “Fuck, I knew this would happen”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have most of the times, when I would get angry, play the victim role as in saying in my mind (with more backchat); “Why does these things always happen to me” and in not considering me to be at fault, I would project this anger outwards towards something or someone else fault, that made me think about them in the process of doing what I was moving, when I should have been focused on what I was doing.

I mean how insane is that, letting myself be distracted by a thought of something or someone else and blaming/projecting my anger onto/towards who/what I was thinking about. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let myself be distracted by a thought of something or someone else, why’ll moving something and when it would drop or break, I would blame/project my anger onto/toward who/what I was thinking about at the time, instead of taking responsibility for my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not taken responsibility for what I’ve done in not paying attention to what I was doing and dropping things and becoming angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not really known the cause of my anger until;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realize, all this time that me getting angry after the fact of doing something, because I knew what would happen beforehand, was towards myself, because I wouldn’t ever listen to myself telling me to focus on what I was doing, but instead, I would just rush through it, in not paying direct attention to what I was doing, and knew the consequences for not paying attention, so each time I would really be angry at myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to listen to myself telling me to focus on what I was doing, during the times I would drop and/or break things, but instead would rather watch the consequences unfold and play out in real time for me to face and have to walk through.

When and as I see myself becoming angry after the fact of doing something, because I knew beforehand what would happen, where why’ll moving things, not pay attention to what I’m doing, in how I was carrying things and rushing at the same time, why’ll being in my mind thinking about someone or something else and end up dropping and or breaking the thing and then getting angry and projecting my anger onto/toward whatever I was thinking about for distracting me, I stop and breathe and realize that (hypothetically speaking) I should be committed. I also see/realize/understand that this anger that I let momentarily possess me, is not towards that something or someone else that I was thinking about, but towards myself for not listening to myself telling me to focus on what I’m doing, but instead I rush and sprint straight ahead toward the experience of consequences for not listening, not paying attention and focusing on what I am moving. So

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to not listen to myself when self is telling me to focus on what I am doing, in other word, to stay out of my mind why’ll working.

I commit myself to no longer getting angry after the fact of doing something, because I knew beforehand what would happen, but instead to listen and pay attention to what self is showing/telling me to do and follow suit.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my own stubborn fuck ups, when I’m told something by Self to do, as in to focus on what I’m doing and I don’t listen or do it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to get angry first off at something I’ve done nor to blame or project this anger onto towards something or someone else that I was thinking about, as this is insanity.

I commit myself to introspecting and investigating myself first off, when and as I make a knowingly mistake, before I project my anger onto toward something or someone else.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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