Day 309: Walking on Egg Shells

Walking-on-eggshellsI have defined “Walking on egg shells”, in relations to other people, where around certain people, I didn’t want to hurt their feeling out of my own self-interest. At that time in my life I was too interested in what other people thought about me and didn’t give a damn about myself really, so in actuality, it was for the interest of others instead of myself, which implies, my self-interest to be the interest in service of others and thought this was a form of respect. I mean I’m calling bullshit on myself, because of the shit I believed and lived by, as some kind of coded illusion, more like a delusion of grandeur, that never was for me. But yet and still, I’d find myself walking on egg shell.

Ok so within that also lies a stench of fear, where I get this from, growing up and having to walk on egg shells around my parent, in the sense of watching what I said, what I talked about and the way I carried myself, because if I stepped out of line or even diverted in the smallest way away from our religious beliefs, I would get beat. One example was, I was just an adolescent around 7 or 8 and I was in our van waiting for everyone to come on and go somewhere, when a man walked by on the side walk and said a curse word and being that this was the first time I ever heard anyone say such a word, I repeated the word and as I was repeating this New interesting word, my oldest brother opened the front door of the car and heard me say this fascinating word (FUCK), so he said to me; ‘What did you just say and I said (FUCK) or he said I heard what you just said, one or the other, but anyway, he then turned around and went back inside the house and told my mother and of course before we left, I got a beating and thus, this is one of the times, I can remember of learning how/why/when to walk on egg shells form then. The fear factor.

This transferred into not wanting to be yell at/by others or seen as pushing someone’s buttons, which really had no relevance to other people, but this walking on egg shells thing, was stuck/embedded so deep in my mind, it had become my second nature of sorts (because the first was/is still at time Thinking.). I mean also within this I hated conflict, any type of conflict, and I could/can defend myself to, but never wanted to use it, so in a way, I believed, walking on egg shell around others, stopped me from having to use my means of defending myself towards other, which drastically cut down on the number of potential fights I would get into, to being able to count the fights I did get in to on one hand. Still to today.

But still walking on egg shell as per those definitions was/is not cool, because in a way you are limiting/diminishing yourself, let’s say a situation arises (if it’s within your means) and you have a responsibility in being responsible for the outcome of the situation and you walk right on by on egg shell, then come to find out later on, the situation escalated to the detriment of those involved, but you could have stepped in and did something about it, but didn’t, that’s now on you, that’s part your creation of escalation and the consequences to follow, but mind you, it is a thin line to walk in those types of situations, to or not to walk by on egg shell and this require self-trust and stability, so before entering into any situation, “Man/Women Know thy Self”.

Now throughout my process, is where things get a bit tricky in a way, because for the most part, I do walk on egg shell, in the sense of being aware I walk, where I walk, how I walk, what I participate in, what I say and don’t say to others, when and when not to enter into a situation and to ALWAYS know what I’m getting myself into. And on the other hand, I’m careful not to walk on egg shell in relations to fear and gullibility, where if there is something that’s needed to be said in the moment, then I’ll say it.

I mean this is because of the extensiveness from whist I came, of the shit I’ve been through and put myself through and gotten myself into, that I learned how to get out of and have no desire to go back into again, so the egg shell terminology/action in essence, I use to not repeat old patterns/way/habit/behaviors, but instead, it’s to assist me in making my every move with awareness. And so for this, I commit myself to redefining “Walking on egg shell” from that of, being fearful of and/or in service to others and their perceptions, out of my own self-interest, to that of assisting myself in making my every move with awareness as to not repeat/go back into, perpetuate my old patterns/ways/habits/behaviors. So for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked on egg shell in relations to other people, where around certain people, I didn’t want to hurt their feeling out of my own self-interest and for most part, because at that time in my life, I was too interested in what other people thought about me, more than I gave a damn about myself, where I would call that respect towards others.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bullshit myself, because of the shit I believed and lived by, as some kind of coded illusion, more like a delusion of grandeur, in relations to thinking/perceiving/believing that respect is walking on egg shells around others, even if it meant compromising myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compromised myself by walking on egg shells, thinking that I was respecting other, why’ll diminishing myself in a way, but in fact I was protecting others self-interest more than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have also walked on egg shells out of fear from how/where/when I learned to walk on egg shells, growing up, in front of my parents, due to our religious belief system, where it I stepped out of line or even diverted in the smallest way away from our religious beliefs. I would get beat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, transfer that into not wanting to get yelled at/by others or seen as pushing someone’s buttons, which really had no relevance to other people, but this walking on egg shells things, was stuck/embedded so deep in my mind, it had become my second nature of sorts. I mean, I hated conflict, any type of conflict, and I could/can defend myself to, but never wanted to use it, so in a way, I believed, walking on egg shells around others, stopped me from having to use my means of defending myself towards other, not realizing that this defined way of walking on egg shells was/is also not cool, because in a way, I was still limiting/diminishing myself by not standing up for myself, when at times I should have. So in actuality the number of fights I didn’t get into would have probably not been fights at all, but me just standing up for myself. So;

When and as I see myself, thinking/perceiving/believing, I must walk on egg shells around this or that person out of an inferiority/superiority complex or out of my own self-interest or out of the fear of something or another happening and/or because I don’t like conflict, when I should remain stable no matter what, I stop and breathe and (hypothetically speaking) crush all the empty egg shells I have laid out in my mind to hide the fact I am not taking responsibility for caring about myself.

I see/realize/understand that within these defined definitions of walking on egg shells, I am separating myself from myself through fear, limitation and diminishment, which leaves no room for me to learn/expand/grow and develop into my utmost potential, because, I’m walking around to (excuse me) “pussy foot” scared to even say something and/or stand up when a stand is needed to be taken. So within that I commit myself to learning me more, my surrounding and the people I accept and allowed in my world, to make sure that my starting point is always in all ways, that which is best for all, all life and any form of life in this world, reality and existence and to redefine Walking on egg shell as the aforementioned definition commitment statement that I wrote above.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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