Day 266: Enjoyment

enjoymentWhat does it take for you to enjoy yourself, when you are out with friends and/or family? What does it take for you to open up and express yourself? What does it take for you to mingle with people you don’t know? What is it that we have created as the universal connector of all people, that we believe helps us to express ourselves, when we are out with friend and/or family? We define ourselves by this and believe that, this is the catapult to our Enjoyment, when in fact it is the catapult to our detriment.

I was invited to a longtime friend’s engagement party this past weekend and as it stands, I had to go out of town for it, which was cool as a short getaway for a few days. So at the engage party, most of the people, I’ve seen and/or have met before, so it was somewhat of a comfortable environment, but as you well know as with any gathering, Enjoyment can/is only reached after a period of time with the use of Alcohol, where that’s what “loosens”/opens people up for them to experience what they believe is a good time/Enjoyment, (along with other substances as well at times). What was interesting was I could remember when I use to chase after Enjoyment through other substances outside of myself, but now I no longer need that something outside of myself to express/experience Enjoyment within and as who I am as Enjoyment, where I have learned that Enjoyment doesn’t take something external from myself to be expressed as who I am as life, it should be lived and expressed as who I am in every moment of my life.

Anyway, I was put on the spot when I was asked to say a few words and make the first toast for the Groom side, as I had been one of his best friends for the longest period of time, this of course took me by surprise but yet and still, I got up and said a few word and made the toast with water, Lol and didn’t really have to explain myself as everyone just laughed at what I was saying and clapped in the end.

Being that I was an introverted person, throughout my life, I wasn’t really a big conversationalist and sort of remained that way until I was older and discover alcohol and the use of other substances in order for me to open up/experience Enjoyment with other people in group settings, gatherings, parties etc. Where after I’ve had a few drinks and/or whatever substance I used at that time, I would then feel comfortable talking to other people, where the judgment of my self would momentarily cease to exist and the alcohol and/or other substances would step in and take the place of my introverted self. I mean I really wasn’t a big drinker, so when I discovered other substances, I had manipulated myself into thinking/perceiving/believing that this was it, this was the answer to my introverted silence when around other people, not taken into consideration that, I was diminishing myself at the same time, where I was becoming addicted to using these other substances, which in turn became the catapult to my detriment, where since my mind was in control, the choices and decisions I made were not self-directed and I ended up losing myself, which in hindsight was the route I designed to get myself to wake up and start my process, all in the name of chasing after Enjoyment, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that in order for me to experience Enjoyment, I needed to go outside of myself to achieve this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chased after Enjoyment outside of myself instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that Enjoyment can be expressed within myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Enjoyment can be expressed within and as me as who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that I needed alcohol and/or other substances to loosen up/open up to people, to experience what I believe is/was a good time/Enjoyment, in a group setting, gathering and/or a party etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in my past after I’ve had a few drinks and/or whatever substance I used at the time, I would then feel comfortable talking to other people, where the judgment of my self would momentarily cease to exist and the alcohol and/or other substances would step in and take the place of my introverted self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for not being a big conversationalist and therefore I believed that I needed alcohol and/or other substances outside of myself in order for me to talk to people and experience Enjoyment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that others would judge me for what I would say and thus I wasn’t a big talker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to; being that I wasn’t a big drinker, when I discovered other substances, I manipulated myself into thinking/perceiving/believing that this was it, this was the answer to my introverted silence when around other people, not taking into consideration that, I was diminishing myself at the same time, where I was becoming addicted to using these substances, which in turn became the catapult to my detriment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not taken into consideration at that time, that I was diminishing myself by using these substances, because I was becoming addicted to them, which in turn became the catapult to my detriment, where since my mind was in control, the choices and decisions I made were not self-directed and I ended up losing myself, which in hindsight was the route I designed for myself to get myself to wake up and start my process, all in the name of chasing after Enjoyment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined Enjoyment in separation from and as me as something to be obtained through the use of alcohol and/or other substances outside of myself.

I commit myself to redefining Enjoyment from that of what I had defined in separation from and as me as something to be obtained through the use of alcohol and/or other substances outside of myself, to that of Enjoyment as Self-Expression as who I am as Enjoyment within and as me.

I commit myself to continuing to express myself as Enjoyment as who I am as life: that I no longer go outside of myself in search of something to fulfill me with what I was not giving myself as Enjoyment, but instead to give to myself that which I was chasing to obtain as the natural expression of Enjoyment as me.

I commit myself to expressing Enjoyment as me.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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