Day 243: Keeping Up

Keeping-upThis is the longest stretch of time that I’ve ever stuck with anything and might I say, this is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I am speaking about the process, I am currently walking. What I realize within this process is that you have to be on your toes (per se), because all it takes is that one moment where you lose awareness that’ll catapult you right back into the shit that you’ve walked through. I’ve experienced this a few times within my process and stood up from it and found out that it’s a continual thing, the same as brushing your teeth or putting on clothes in the morning.

Have you ever asked somebody; “What’s going on” or how they were doing and they said; “Same shit different day” and “everything is a struggle to keeping up with”, well this person was me, where I would do the same thing every day, day in and day out to the point of being bored with it, but yet I continued. I mean there weren’t really that many things to do, considering the lifestyle I lived and the things that I did didn’t make me a better person, so it was like I was living life as a stalemate, where in repeating the same things over and over and over again, no matter in which order, I would bring me right back to this stalemate, where my life was stale and the only excitement was these energy spurts that I would have, in building myself up to go out on the weekend. So you can say I lived for the weekend and everything that came with it. That’s it, the same old repetitive bullshit.

Walking this process has been a dramatic change for me in every way possible and oddly enough the only way I even found this process was on one of those energy spurts that I had mentioned previously. I mean being on one was the only way that I would be able to focus on anything and keep up with it without getting/being bored out of my mind or might I say being bored in my mind. As I progressed in the beginning of my process, it was extremely hard keeping up, because first off it was new, I was new and everything I thought I knew was busy being debunked, so I was like whoa and backed up a bit and thought that I could play both side and told myself that it’ll be ok to do a little of this and still do what I wanted. It didn’t work out to well. During that phase I experienced a re-shuffling (so to speak) in my life which lasted a while and after things calmed down, I set into my process, but still took it rather slow, meaning that I found myself doing the minimal, but I also realized there was no way I could get bored doing this, because at every turn there was always something new to read/hear and learn, even still today with the material, every time I re-listen to some of the interviews, it’s like I’m hearing things for the first time that I didn’t hear before, more like I’m realizing what I hadn’t before.

I mean I’m still a baby in this process and have quite a ways to go and now I’m at the point of every day when I wake up, I have to do things process related throughout my day, because if not, ironically I won’t feel right and that’s new to me really, it’s like I’ve conditioned myself to this whole new life style that I’m getting the hang of and although at times it’s tough, because of some of the shit that I still put myself through, I’m enjoying it.

I still feel timid at times, as if I’m not keeping up, but I know this comes from comparing my process with others as in how long they’ve been walking process and how short I have, but the point is that, as long as I’m keeping up in being consistent in walking my process the more I progress in my process and will catch up and walk with those that has walk this process and are mentors to me along my way, So in Keeping Up the Key Thing is U Push. Meaning I must and will keep pushing forward in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought everything was a struggle to keep up with, not realizing that this was because I would do the same shit every day, day in and day out to the point of being bored with it, but yet I continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived my life as a stalemate, where in repeating the same things over and over and over again, no matter in which order, I would bring me right back to this stalemate, where my life was stale and the only excitement was these energy spurts that I would have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience what I believed to be excitement only in chasing energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only chase energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived only for the weekend and everything that came with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have repeated that same old repetitive bullshit, day in and day out with no change in sight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that the only way I would be able to focus was if I was on one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, in the beginning of my process, think that I could play both sides and told myself that it’ll be ok to do a little of this and still do what I wanted, not realizing that it wouldn’t work out well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel timid at times in my process, as if I’m not keeping up, but I know this comes from comparing my process with others. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process with others as in how long they’ve been walking process and how short I have.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as I’m keeping up in being consistent in walking my process the more I progress in my process, so it’s not a point of keeping up with others in their processes, but being consistent with my own.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not keeping up, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is because I am still comparing my process with others as in the length of time they’ve been walking their process and how short I have, in which I now realize that it’s not a point of keeping up but catching up, meaning that as long as I’m keeping up in being consistent in walking my process the more I progress in my process and will catch up and walk with those that has walked this process and are mentors to me along my way, (meaning everyone who has gone before me in this process).

I commit myself to continue to push myself forward in my process and no longer be concerned nor compare myself to others and their process.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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2 Responses to Day 243: Keeping Up

  1. reallove4all says:

    Hi Carlton – awesome to have you here, and consistently sharing the process you walk. A great example for many!

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