Day 232: Living Alone

Living-AloneOne of the most difficult living situations that I have lived in is living alone. I mean I’ve lived in almost every living situation that you can think of, not to say that they’re any better, they all have they’re ups and downs, highs and lows, conflict situations within a situations and then the mind, from family living to community living to living in a relationship with a partner to living and being homeless, but like I said, what I’ve found to be the most difficult is living alone, I mean if you look at the reasons we why we chose to live alone, it seems somewhat plausible for us choosing to do so. The first and foremost reason we give ourselves is good ole Freedom, where we don’t have to worry about no one telling us anything, we can do what we want and live how we want to live, and one of the formable excuses we use is; “I can walk around my house butt naked if I want to, without worrying about somebody seeing me”, and we call that freedom or might I say the justification of freedom to others. Another reason we chose to live alone is the excuse of cleanliness, where we don’t want to put up with nobody’s filth shit, but on the other hand we can deal with our own filth shit, hence the use of the word excuse. Then you have, “I’m living the single life”, where we say; “I don’t want to be tied down to nobody” and “I can have whomever I want over my house at any time and nobody can tell me shit, because I’m single”. Now this one is a bit tricky, because we’ll invite someone over and enjoys their company and depending on how much we enjoy their company is how long we’ll let them stay before we want our own space again. And now we’re faced with the situation of telling them they have to leave. This is to name but a few reasons why we choose to live alone. Or is it?

I grew up in a big family, meaning a house full of kids where the only time when you was alone was in the bathroom, now the whole time growing up, although this was my family, I felt like somewhat of an outsider, where I thought nobody understood me and I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was experiencing out of the fear of being laughed at and getting in trouble if I said the wrong thing, so I became a loner and pretty much kept to myself, even with a house full of children, this made me into an introverted person and so I found solitude in being alone and became use to it.

From there I left home with the mentality of wanting to experience the world on my own, alone and that’s what I did, I had no problem meeting people and then found myself in a relationship living with someone, I mean it was cool why’ll it lasted, but every time I wanted to be alone, so I went from one relationship to the next, where I would live together with a person and after a why’ll, I would want to be alone. This was mostly because of the wanting to remain free and not be tied down by any one syndrome that I grew up watching happen to the people around me, which is still an excuse, but unconsciously one of the real reasons was because, I lacked communication skill, which are vital in living with someone, whether in a relationship or with roommates, I mean that in itself is really one of the predominate reasons (unconsciously) why I was choosing to live alone.

Outside of that, being that I was an introverted person, the real reason that I found and realized why I/we like living alone is because I/we have created a relationship with the voices in our heads and called them instinct/intuition and our first notion, because they’ll tell us exactly what we want to hear and so the majority of our time is spent with our three partners/roommates in our minds, they understand us perfectly and gives us the best advice. I mean who can go wrong with that, and who needs to live with someone when you have your mind keeping you company.

What’s not seen/realized/understood is the long term consequence that we create for ourselves in wanting/thinking/perceiving/believing that we enjoy being and living alone, which is not limited to being alone forever and turning into a shriveled up old vegetable through self-consumption. Honestly speaking, I’ve been living alone for a short while now, since the last relationship I was in (before I found Desteni), and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and I’ll tell you without the Tools that Desteni present, I don’t know how I would have made it this far. On the other hand, with the Tools that Desteni present, the upside of being alone is, I’ve learned what self-intimacy really is and how to investigate/introspect and really get to know myself as who I really am, along with being able to communicate with others and now whether or not I live with anyone or alone, I am getting to the point of being able to remain stable in any situation I place myself in. And that is without being directed by my mind. (Listening to the voices in my head)

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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