Day 217: Left Overs

2LeftoversI’ve noticed an interesting thing about another way in which my mind operates, which I call left overs and works as such; After every conversation I have with someone, for example, let’s say you just got off the phone and go to do something that requires your undivided attention (or not), once you attempt to do the next thing, what’s left over in your mind, is the remnants of the conversation you just had, thinking about what they said and you said, as if you’re scanning the conversation, looking to see if/where there was any conflict lies, and once you get to a questionable point in the conversation (where there’s maybe a hint of conflict) that’s when the internal conversations/back chat comes in, where you began establishing your stance in your mind, as if you are still on the phone with them, and before you know it, you began to believe what you are saying to yourself and answering yourself as if it was their answer or response that you just made up in your mind, so the next time you go to talk to them, you already have readymade answers of what you will say to them in assuming that they will say what you just answered or responded to yourself with, thinking that it was them. (W.T.F. was all that about). Now the crazy part about it is, when we do talk to them, that’s when we realize our self, and what we’ve just done, but what do we do? Instead of taking responsibility for what we’ve just conjured up in our minds, depending on if we caught ourselves before we said anything to them, about our “left overs” or not, is the next step we’ll take, which is usually trying to separate ourselves from what we’ve just said, and if not, we’ll just brush it off as if it’ll just go away, I mean, nobody heard it so, no harm no foul; Not once considering the consequences we’ve just created for ourselves and the harm we just caused to ourselves. It’s like the more we linger in our minds the more rotten the shit that comes out of us is as “left overs”.

This has been deep seeded within me to the point where at times I would catch myself doing this and apply self-forgiveness in the moment for it and turn around and do the same exact thing over again repeatedly and the funny thing is, after noticing it when I would check myself in saying things like; “W.T.F are you doing, stop this bullshit”, my mind would mimic what I just said and say; “W.T.F. are you doing, stop this bullshit” as in taunting me, which is almost laughable but it’s really not, and that’s how I knew I was facing what has been one of the most crucial down falls in my life, that being “left overs”, remnants of conversations I’ve just had with someone and then would sit there and sabotaging myself and my relationships.

I am starting to realize the way and means in which my mind take and use in show me just how manipulative and deceitful I have been in my world and reality to myself and towards others. And how immediately after I finish a conversation with someone (let alone finish doing anything for that matter), I must make sure to clear myself, then, and before I start to do the next thing, that way I ensure that I remain present in every moment and no longer sabotage myself and my relationships, by creating conflict where there really is none. So for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have left overs for breakfast, lunch and dinner from the perspective of throughout my day after I would finish a conversation with someone, I would go back and look to see if/where there was any conflict lies within the conversation as left over remnants of a conversation I just had with someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to if there was a questionable point in the conversation (where there’s maybe a hint of conflict), I accepted and allowed internal conversations/back chat to come up within and as me, where I would began establishing my stance in my mind as if I was still on the phone with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in establishing my stance and before I knew it, I began to believe what I was saying to myself and answering myself as if it was their answer or response to what I had just made up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then would be like the next time I would go talk to them, would already have readymade answers of what I would say to them in assuming they will say what I had just answered or responded to myself with, thinking that it was them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize until now how insane this behavior of mine was/is that I created and believed this in my mind..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what I had done at times until I talked to them again at which time, if I said something to them about my “left over” I would then separate myself from what I’ve just said, and if not I would just brush it off as if it would just go away.

Within that; I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to once consider the consequences I’ve just created for myself and the harm I just caused to myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the more I linger in my mind, the more rotten the shit that comes out of me is as “left overs”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this pattern to be deep seeded within and as me to the point of where I would catch myself doing this and apply self-forgiveness in the moment and turn around and do the exact same thing over again, repeatedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after noticing it, when I would check myself in saying things like; “W.T.F. are you doing, stop this bullshit”, my mind would mimic what I just said and say; “W.T.F. are you doing, stop this bullshit” , as in taunting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that my mind was taunting me by mimicking me, instead of realizing that it was showing me that I needed to face what has been one of the most crucial downfalls in my life, that being “left overs”, remnants of conversations I’ve just had with someone.

Within this; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then sit there and sabotage myself and my relationships.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that left overs are one point of the ways and means in which my mind take and use in showing me just how manipulative and deceitful I have been in my world and reality to myself and towards others., where I accept an allow the manipulation of myself by my mind in coming up with a mentally created script to read back to those I’ve talked to, to show me my acceptances and allowances through unconsciously presenting myself in this mental state to others.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to have “left overs” on a daily bases for breakfast, lunch and dinner from the perspective of throughout my day, whenever I would finish a conversation with someone I would go back and look to see if/where there was any conflict lies within the conversation as left over remnants of a conversation I just had with someone, and if there was a questionable point in the conversation (where there may be a hint of conflict) and I accept and allow internal conversation/backchat to come up within and as me, in perpetuate the conflict even more by establishing my stance as if I’m still on the phone with them or talking to them in person, I stop and breathe and ask myself; “W.T.F. was all that about?”. I see/realize/understand that beside my insanity in that moment, I am being shown by my mind through its ways and means just how manipulative and deceitful I have been in my world and reality to myself and towards others and as a correction how immediately after I finish a conversation with someone (let alone finish doing anything for that matter), I must make sure to clear myself, then, and before I start to do the next thing, that way I ensure that I remain present in every moment and no longer sabotage myself and my relationships, by creating conflict where there really is none.

I commit myself to clearing myself after each time I have a conversation with someone and before I go and do anything else as this will ensure that I remain present in every moment, that way I no longer sabotage myself and my relationships.

I commit myself to stopping my addiction of looking to see if conflict is within any and everything, by being aware of the con games I play with myself that inflicts harm onto my self in the form of pain.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for my actions towards others, my creations in my mind that has nothing to do with present day in the moment interactions with others and at times my lack of will power to correct and change myself after the correction in the moment, by standing up as who I am as life, for life and remaining here with breathe in every moment.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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