Day 214: Feel Good about Myself

Feeling-goodWhy is it that we believe we need others to make us feel good about ourselves? As if they hold the key to how we experience our self here on earth. It’s like the only ways we feel good about ourselves is when we have something to do outside of our self and that something to do, nine (9) times out of ten (10) suits our self-interest, other than that, when we’re by ourselves, we get bored as hell, which is because we don’t have a relationship with ourselves, all our relationship is with something or somebody else, that we believe makes us feel good about our self. That something is a material possession or money, which is a material possession in itself. That someone is our sounding board, (so to speak) a person who listens to and agree with our self-interest. We call them friends, boy, girl, partner, buddy, lover, mate etc. and these people, we give the keys to our reality, just in case at any time I lock myself internal turmoil and their job is to get me out, by making me feel good about myself. I mean what need is there to take responsibility if you have these people in your life?

This starts with the receiving of praise when we are adolescence, for something we’ve done or finally did that our parents or elders are proud of us for. We say; “I did it”, and they say; “Yes I see” and “I’m proud of you”. From there we walk away with a feel good feeling, and once we are out on our own, we start doing things for others and expecting that same feel good feeling we received when we were adolescence from them and once we have found the person that makes us feel good about our self, we make that person our friend, boy, girl, partner, buddy, lover, mate etc.

Throughout my life my thing was whenever I saw that I was going to have a good time doing something like going to a party, making money or being with somebody, then I would feel good about myself and the only way that someone could make me feel good about myself is if they had something for me, told me something that I wanted to hear or spent time with me listening to the shit I had to say. As far as feeling good about myself, as in self-expression, to me there was no such thing, I mean my feeling was dependent on the things outside of me like money, women and having a good time (partying), that made me feel good, so when it came to feeling good in general, I was nowhere to be found. It got to the point to where I slept allot and whenever I was up, I would chased after that something outside myself to give me that energetic rush to make me feel good about myself, such as playing video games and smoking weed (to name a few), which amounted to a false sense of expression. In fact (back then) I never really experienced what it meant to feel good about myself.

In hindsight, In a roundabout way I see that I really didn’t like who I was and/or had become, so unconsciously there was really nothing to feel good about myself for, I mean I didn’t like the way I grew up, but got use to it, nor the way I was treated, but got through it. In a way you can say I longed for change, but didn’t really know what it would entail and now that I’m walking my process I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need others to make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that others can make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to others to make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the only way I felt good about myself was when I had something to do outside of myself that suited my self-interest, other than that, whenever I was by myself, I would be bored as hell, which was because I didn’t have a relationship with myself, all my relationships was with something or somebody else that I believed could make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that something as a material possession or money, which is a material possession in itself to make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that someone to be a person who listens to and agrees with my self-interest in which I called them friends, boy, girl, partner, buddy, lover, mate etc. to make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I would experiencing internal turmoil believe it to be others job to get me out of it, by making me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to understand responsibility back then and think, what need is there to take responsibility, if I had people in my life to make me feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as adolescence, whenever I would be praised for what I’ve done or finally did by my parents or elders in being proud of me, I would walk away with a feel good feeling, so once I was out on my own I started doing things for others and expecting that same feel good feeling I received when I was adolescence from them, and once I found the person that made me feel good about myself, I made that person my friend, boy, girl, partner, buddy, lover, mate etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to throughout my life whenever I saw that I was going to have a good time doing something, that’s when I would feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when others had something for me, told me something I wanted to hear or spent time listening to the shit I had to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself throughout my life chase after that something outside of myself to give me that energetic rush to make me feel good about myself, such as playing video games and smoking weed, which amounted to a false sense of expression.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the reason I really didn’t feel good about myself is because I really didn’t like who I was and/or had become, so unconsciously there was really nothing to feel good about myself for, I mean I didn’t like the way I grew up but got use to it, nor the way I was treated but got through it, in a way you can say I longed for change, but didn’t really know what it would entail and now that I’m walking my process I can feel good about myself.

When and as I see myself thinking/perceiving/believing that someone or something can make me feel good about myself, where I would do things for them, in chase of that feel good feeling I received when I was adolescence and was praised for what I’ve done or finally did, I stop and breathe. I realize that I was not here with and as myself and thus didn’t know myself, so I looked for that something or someone outside of myself to make me feel better about myself, being that of partying, someone giving me something, a material possession, money and/or smoking weed (to name a few). I also see/realize/understand the reason I really didn’t feel good about myself was because I really didn’t like who I was and/or had become, so unconsciously there was really nothing to feel good about myself for, I mean I didn’t like the way I grew up, but got use to it, nor the way I was treated but got through it, in a way you can say I longed for change, but didn’t really know what it would entail and now that I’m walking my process I can feel good about myself.

I commit myself to maintain a one on one relationship with myself and experiencing feeling good about myself as a natural form of self-expression as who I am, and no longer think/perceive/believe that I need something or someone outside of me to make me feel good about myself, but instead give it to myself.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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