Day 209: How we Create War

How-we-create-warIn this day and age kids are given the freedom to watch what they want to watch and play how they want to play. The reason I am saying this is because, I looked out the window the other day and saw a group of kids all who had toy guns and was in the process of shooting one another and at that time one of the kid began taking an initiative in trying to organize all the other kids into making teams and playing some kind of war Game with rules on dying as in how long of period of time after they get shot do they have to wait until they can come back in; Now if this was a few years back I would have just look at it as kids having fun and/or it probably would have impressed me to see all the kids getting alone, but this is not a few years back and I was blown away, from the perspective of not only seeing the kid and how they were playing but also seeing the adult watching and condoning what was taking place, I mean there was nothing I could do about it, but to look within myself and see how I have throughout my life, growing up, was born in, raised and have lived that same war like mentality of what I was seeing in that moment when watching the kids playing with guns and where it all stemmed from.

Although growing up we wasn’t given guns to play with, but was still raised militantly with the same war like mentality I saw within these children, where we were taught that the people who wasn’t like us, we couldn’t associate with them, because they were of the world and we were in the army of god, (such bullshit) I mean, we were woken up every day, in the mornings to do exercise before we went to school and was taught how to defend ourselves, just in case something happened. Although for the most part nothing ever happened. Any way I went into the military and got my fill of war, where I was in the first gulf war which was crazy in itself to see all the death and destruction, which back then didn’t register in me as something really fuck up (although I didn’t like what I saw).

When I got out the military I still perpetuated this war like mentality through fighting whenever I felt as if my buttons was pushed, I mean I wasn’t really one to start anything but would finish what was started and believe it or not I never been an angry person, but have perceived myself to have been angry before, which in essence was when I thought/perceived/believed that others could make me angry. Then I got to a point of carrying a gun with me everywhere I went, under the illusion/lie of protection, which turned out to be because I had grown to fear the war that I was having within myself in always thinking that someone was out to get me, but in fact, I just didn’t know myself. That eventually subsided, but the war going on inside me didn’t and even on the smallest level, I still call it war as long as I’m not standing equal to and one with who self is, within and as myself, with breath in every moment. So within this I see how I/we create war, and so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create war within myself, which is the perpetuation of the creating war on an external level in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch kids playing with guns and thought if this was a few years back, how I would have just look at it as kids having fun and/or it would have impressed me to see all the kids getting alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that kids playing with guns was just kids having fun and was impressed if it was a group of kids getting alone, not realizing that this is how we create war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have throughout my life, growing up, was born in, raised and have lived that same war like mentality of what I was seeing in that moment when watching those kids playing with guns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I was taught that the people who wasn’t like me, I couldn’t associate with them, because they were of the world and I was in the army of god, which was such bullshit and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others in thinking they are not like me because of the belief system I was raised in.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself let register in me the death and destruction that I saw in the military in war, as something really fuck up, but instead thought it as, that’s just the way it was because I didn’t know any better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have, when I got out the military still perpetuated this war like mentality through fighting whenever I felt as if my buttons was pushed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself think/perceive/believe that other could push my buttons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to other to push my buttons and then react to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had to finish what some else had started with me in fighting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used fighting as a way to finishing things/situations/problem if I perceived myself not to be the cause of it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to find an alternate way of dealing with a situation when I have been faced with a fighting situation in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perceived myself to have been angry before; which in essence was when I thought/perceived/believed that others could make me angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that others could make me angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let myself get to a point of carrying a gun with me everywhere I went, under the illusion/lie of protection, which turned out to be because, I had grown to fear the war that I was having within myself, in always thinking that someone was out to get me, but in fact, I just didn’t know myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an ongoing war inside of me continue, even on a smallest level, I still call it war, because I am not standing equal to and one with who self is, with and as myself, with breath in every moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I create war within myself, because I am not standing equal to and one with who self is – knowing living who I am through and through, but instead letting myself react to self-created conflict from separating myself from others in thinking that they are out to get me in some way or another.

When and as I see myself creating war within myself which is the perpetuation of the creating war on an external level in this world, I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that throughout my life, growing up, I was born in, raised and have lived that same war like mentality, where I was taught that the people who wasn’t like me, I couldn’t associate with them, because they was of the world and I was in the army of god, which was such bullshit and separation which stayed with me as I went into the military and was numb in a way, where I didn’t let register in me the death and destruction that I saw in war as being something fucked up, but instead thought of it as that’s just the way it was and when I got out the military, I still perpetuated this war like mentality through fighting whenever I felt as if my buttons was being pushed, not realizing that I was giving my power away to others to push my buttons and would react in anger.

I commit myself to no longer reacting under the assumption that others can make me angry by pushing my button, but instead to realize/understand that I am in control of me and only through my acceptances and allowances can this happen, at which point that would be me giving my power away.

I commit myself to no longer giving my power away to others, but instead to remain stable as the directive principle of myself and in my world and reality.

When and as I see myself thinking/perceiving/believing that I need protection from others, I stop and breathe and check my starting point and within myself to see where I have created this war within me, where I have accepted and allowed my mind to present fear to me, for me to separate myself from others.

I see/realize/understand that I have created this war as fear in myself, because I am not standing equal to and one with who self is – knowing/living who I am through and through, but instead letting myself react to self-created conflict from separating myself from others in thinking that they are out to get me in some way or another.

I commit myself to stopping this self-created conflict within me, through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and assist and support myself to stand from within it so that I no longer insinuate the war within myself and perpetuate the war on an external level in this world, but instead to live what is best for all, internally as well as externally.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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