Day 202: “Jesus Took Me off Crack”

REALLYAn interesting thing happened today. I was getting a bite to eat and someone walked up to me and said, I used to be a crack head and Jesus took me off of crack, so can you help me, I’m looking for donations for this homeless shelter and as a token of their appreciation they would give a piece of candy, now as they were walking up, I was already in the process of making a phone call and once they got to me and made their spill, I listen for a second and said no and they said don’t you want to hear my story and I said no and that’s when whoever I was calling answered their phone and I said hello, then they went to the person behind me and started the same ole spill, by that time I was finished with my phone call and could hear more of what they had to say. As they were talking I could hear how adamant they were, where it seemed as if there was nothing you could say to them to make them believe anything else otherwise, like commonsense. Within just this one point I could see myself and will get to me in a moment.

I believe the person behind me was a little unsettle (HL) as well from the pieces I gathered from their discussion, but listened to them as they persisted to sort of force them into submission so to speak about being a believer in Jesus and told them to come to the shelter and here’s the number and they will see them there, although the person was being courteous and saying; “that was a compelling story and they couldn’t help them and had no phone to call, so in others words, nicely saying no. Right then I became intrigued and wanted to turn around and debunk everything they were saying, but I didn’t and saw how in the past I would have. After they left, I finished eating and then went back to where I was before I went to eat at another place waiting on a few things of mine to get finished, and as I was waiting I turned around and there was that person again and said; Oh you again and I said yes, me again and preceded to ask them what they were actually doing and they explained how they go around looking for drug addict and the homeless people to tell them about Jesus and get them to come to the shelter and I said ok, so what’s the catch, is it money and they said no they can come free of charge and eat and take a shower and sleep, and then it dawn on me and I said “Oh Jesus is the catch” and they said yes, and I said so if someone came to the shelter and don’t believe in Jesus could they stay there or would they be kicked back out on the street? They had no answer and then I ask them, If Jesus took you off of crack then who put you on it, they said me (speaking of themselves) and so I said ok, if you put yourself on it, Isn’t it obvious that you took yourself off of it as well. At that point it seemed as if they didn’t understand anything I was saying and asked me was I a believer and I said no and as they were walking out the door started saying that I was a believer or else I wouldn’t be talking about Jesus and left, as if all of a sudden they were in a rush.

I saw myself within this in so many points, one of the most profound points was the point of being adamant about something that I just heard, believed and preaching it as if it was the truth, and if it was the truth,. I didn’t really live by it, and the reason I would preach it, would be self-interested based, whether for status, money or to show face, I wasn’t a man of my word and didn’t practice what I preached, but instead screwed with people as I was screwed up. Another point was always wanting to debunk what someone was saying if it wasn’t something I believed in and if it was I would try and Trump what they were saying by adding my 2 cents into it and giving it my version, so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have praised god/Jesus if something positive/good has happened to me and blamed the devil if something negative/bad happened to me.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for something negative/bad happening and believe I was incapable of making something positive/good happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been adamant about something that
I just heard, believed and preaching it as if it was the truth, and if it was the truth, I didn’t really live by it and the reason I would preach it, would be self-interested based, whether for status, money or to show face and not being a man of my word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be a man of my word and to not practice what I preached, but instead screw with people as I was screwed up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share what I knew as knowledge and information and not as my self-realizations, as this would imply that I see/realize/understand and live by what I am sharing and practiced what I preached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always wanted to debunk what someone was saying if it wasn’t something I believed in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought/perceived/believed that only what I knew was the “right” correct way of living and everyone else’s way was “wrong” and incorrect and within this I have limited myself to my own understanding which was null in void because I really didn’t know shit .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to my own understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to if it was something I believed in, I would try and Trump what they were saying by adding my 2 cents into it and giving it my version, all because in that moment I wanted to be and/or stay the center of attention.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I am the creator of the positive/good and the negative/bad that exist in my life and no other entity outside of myself can and/or will take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and to let transpire in my world and reality and therefore If I don’t take responsibility for my actions then I will continue compounding consequence after consequence on top of consequence which perpetuated this world into remain how it is today, fucked up.

When and as I see myself wanting to praise god/Jesus if something positive/good has happened to me and blaming the devil if something negative/bad happened to me where I abdicate my responsibility for something negative/bad happening and believe that I am incapable of making something positive/good happen to me and then become adamant about something I just heard, believed and preaching it as if it was the truth and if it was , I wouldn’t live by it, but only preach it out of self-interest for status, money or to show face, I stop and breathe and tell myself to snap out of this delusion. I realize that within this I am not being a man of my word, nor am I practicing what I preach, but instead just screwing with people as I would be screwed up in thinking/perceiving/believing that only what I know is the “right” correct way of living and everyone else’s way is “wrong” incorrect and within this I would be limiting myself to my own understanding which leaves no room for expansion/growth/development within and as myself.

I see/realize/understand that I am the creator of the positive/good and the negative/bad that exist in my life and no other entity outside of myself can and/or will take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and to let transpire in my world and reality and therefore if I don’t take responsibility for my actions then I will continue compounding consequence after consequence on top of consequence which perpetuates this world into remaining how it is today, fuck up, which shows that I’m fuck up and so, I commit myself to exposing myself to myself whenever I see that I am becoming lackadaisical within my process, by pointing out where I have failed to uphold my commitment statements and re-commit myself to changing/correcting my application of self-living.

I commit myself to no longer use god/Jesus or the devil as an excuse and/or an illusion of grandeur in what I create for myself and for abdicating my responsibility for what I have created, if it turns out as negative/bad, but instead to learn who I am and how this I have created/manifested this entire physical existence into the way it is today in walking my Journey to Nothingness and recreate myself as to what is best for all life, as who I am as life.

I commit myself to sharing my self-realization as only to what I am living in being a man of my word and practicing what I preach.

I commit myself to no longer adding my 2 cents into what someone else is saying or has said to be seen as the center of attention, but instead to listen, learn and/or be reminded if I am on the same page with this person.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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