Day 200: Exercise

ExerciseWhen looking at the word Exercise, in the sounding of the word, I hear the word Exorcise, sort of like the saying; “Exorcise the Demon” and when you have a look at the Exercising process, that’s sort of what we’re doing or trying to do on two (2) levels, here let me explain; The most simplest explanation on one hand is that we are the Demons that love to exercise and on the other hand, whenever we get mad for some reason or another, whether because of a relationship problem, work related problem or any other problem/situation that we think and believe we need some fresh air and/or to go clear our “heads” (so to speak) for, we go for a run or exercise to take our aggression out on something, and when you look at it, it’s like we’re giving ourselves and Exorcism in trying to Exorcise the Demon right out of us, when in fact, what we are doing is the opposite , meaning we‘re Exciting the Demon within us, because during the time we are “running and/or exercising”, we’re coming up with a “master plan” of things to say and/or do, the next time whatever, happens again. So with any starting point other than Exercising as a form of Self-Expression we are giving ourselves and Exorcism as in Exorcising or Exercising the Demon in me.

For me, ever since I was a kid, I would Exercise the Demon in me, from the perspective of working out trying to impress others, starting with my older brothers, as to how big my little arms were, then it went into sports, martial arts and basketball in trying to show others what I knew and how good I perceived myself to be. From there, when I went into the military boot camp (basic training), exercising was mandatory, so I exercised the demon to get a platoon guide position. After the military was when I started Exorcising the Demon, where now I was out on my own and had to survive. The most prevalent of these Exorcisms was not being able to do something about certain things that would transpire/take place in my life, where I would then go and work out or go for a long run, not realizing it at the time, but taking my frustration out on my physical body, thinking and believing that I was releasing aggression, but little did I know I was inflicting aggression onto myself and telling myself afterward; “Oh I feel much better now, since I got that out of my system”, but I really didn’t, it was the placebo effect because afterwards the problem still remained. Another Exorcism I did was dancing, where I used this the most as sort of a two (2) part way of Exorcising/Exercising the Demon. When I realized I could dance and people liked watching me dance, it became my way to impress girls as in exercising the demon in me and that’s when I started going into relationships and “Oh boy” I didn’t know what I was in for, but figured out soon enough, where my clearing of my head was through dancing and I would Exorcise the Demon in leaving everything out on the dance floor as a “release”.

The last way I would exorcise the Demon was in a way to avoid conflict, because when it boils down to it no one likes conflict and will avoid it at any cost. This is where I would go to the gym and work out for two (2) reasons actually, one to impress others and the main reason was to avoid conflict by looking intimidating in size, I mean I wasn’t one of those super huge gym dudes, but in shape enough that conflict would stay where it was, and now looking back on it, I see the fear factor within it.

I was tested the other day when a friend of mine came in town and asked me to go to the gym with them, I had to laugh because all of these memories came up of how I use to put on a character after I left the gym and we would go out at night. They’re excuse was; “It’s just something to do” and then I realized that, that was my excuse as well, (Here’s one for you) I had nothing to do with my time back then, so instead of just sitting around waiting to die (so to speak), why don’t I escalate the process by going to the gym and Exorcising the Demon. Anyway, I smiled and told them I had things to do, which I did and so for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise from a starting point of wanting to impress others and to clear my head, where whenever I would get mad for some reason or another, whether because of a relationship problem, work related problem or any other problem/situation, I would go for a run or exercise to take my aggression out on something, not realizing when looking at it, It was like I was giving myself an Exorcism in trying to Exorcise the demon right out of me, when in fact I was doing the opposite, meaning I was Exciting the demon within me, because during the time I was running and/or exercising, I was coming up with a “master plan” of things to say and/or do, the next time whatever, happens again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to utilize exercising as a form of self-expression, but instead give myself an Exorcism as in Exorcising or Exercising the Demon in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever since I was a kid, I would Exercise the Demon in me, from the perspective of working out trying to impress others, starting with my older brothers, as to how big my little arms were.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Exercise the Demon in me in doing sports, martial arts and basketball in trying to show others what I knew and how good I perceived myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I went into the military, boot camp (basic training), exercising was mandatory, so I exercised the demon to get a platoon guide position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the military was when I started Exorcising the Demon, where the most prevalent of these Exorcisms was not being able to do something about certain things that would transpire/take place in my life, where I would then go work out or go for a long run, not realizing it at the time, but taking my frustration out on my physical body, thinking and believing that I was releasing aggression, but little did I know, I was inflicting aggression onto myself and telling myself afterward; “Oh I feel much better now, since I got that out of my system”, but I really didn’t, it was the placebo effect, because afterward the problem still remained.

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to use dancing the most as sort of a two (2) part way of Exorcising/Exercising the Demon, where when I realized that I could dance and people liked watching me dance, it became my way to impress girls as in exercising the demon in me and that’s when I started going into relationships and “Oh boy”, I didn’t know what I was in for, but figured out soon enough, where my clearing of my head was through dancing and I would Exorcise the Demon in leaving everything out on the dance floor as a “release”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exorcise the Demon as a way to avoid conflict, where I would go to the gym and work out for two (2) reasons actually, one was to impress others and the main reason was to avoid conflict by looking intimidating in size, where I was in shape enough that conflict would stay where it was and now looking back on it, I see the fear factor within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict in itself where I have inflicted abuse on my physical body by working out, from a fear starting point to avoid it at any cost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by having an incorrect starting point for exercising, I was inflicting unto myself/going in and out of a demonic possession, thinking/perceiving/believing that I was experiencing an energetic rush that was assisting me in subsiding the anger within me, but in fact I was being diminished/depleted by these possessions where my mind would extract substance from my physical body to transform it into energy, leaving me with remnants of a past energetic rush in which I thought was the release of anger within and as me, which only made me more tired and frustrated.

When and as I see myself exercising from a starting point of wanting to impress others and to clear my head, where whenever I get mad for some reason or another at any problem/situation, where I would go for a run and/or exercise in working out at the gym, playing basketball, doing martial arts or dancing under the assumption that all I need to do is to release my aggression out on something, not realizing that I am giving myself an Exorcism by trying to Exorcise the Demon out of me, I stop and breathe and see that I am the demon. I see/realize/understand that by having an incorrect starting point for exercising, I am inflicting unto myself/going in and out of a demonic possession, thinking/perceiving/believing that I was experiencing an energetic rush that was assisting me in subsiding the anger within me, but in fact I was being diminished/depleted by these possessions where my mind would extract substance from my physical body to transform it into energy, leaving me with remnants of a past energetic rush in which I thought was the release of anger within and as me, which only made me more tired and frustrated.

I commit myself to exercising as a form of self-expression as a starting point.

I commit myself to playing basketball as a form of self-expression as a starting point.

I commit myself to doing martial arts as a form of self-expression as a starting point.

I commit myself to dancing as a form of self-expression as a starting point.

I commit myself to no longer inflicting aggression unto my physical body under the assumption that it’s a release of my anger, but instead to face my problems/situations head on in the moment, that way I don’t create any consequences for myself to have to walk through, as I have enough already.

I commit myself to no longer trying to impress other by way of inflicting aggression unto myself, but instead to let my self-expression be the impression as my reflection of self’s direction.

I commit myself to redefining Exercise from that of Exorcising/Exercising the Demon to that of moving myself and standing equal to and one with who self is – knowing/living who I am through and through as self-expression.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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