Day 199: An Influx of Thoughts

Influx-of-thoughtsAn interesting thing happens whenever I come back from being someplace for a period of time, that is, I experience an Influx of Thoughts in detail about everything that transpired when I was at that someplace. What happens is, the first influx of thoughts that comes up is what I call the checking thoughts, where I would go back over every situation of interaction with others, replay it and check and see if what I said, done and/or the way I behaved in any case at any moment created conflict and if not, I would have a proud feeling to come up within and as me, as if I’m saying to myself; “Yeah that’s right, I said what I said, or did what I did”, not realizing that within this is an extensive amount of separation being perpetuated on my part by placing myself in a way as superior to others and excusing it as; “I’m just sharing my realizations”. What this does is open the door for the second influx of thoughts which, brings up if any, the conflict situations that happened and replay them over again in my mind. By the time you count to 3, you’ve played almost every conflict situation that took place, and that’s when the backchat and internal conversations come in, inputting everything that you didn’t say in that moment, in the revisited created scenario moment you just made up in your mind, and then going into reaction saying; “I should have said or done this or that, when they said this”, instead of introspecting one’s starting point for participating in that situation in the first place, when the thoughts started coming up and immediately apply self-forgiveness.

By the time you look up and realize that you’re stuck in your mind, you’ve messed up on something and that mess up is what brought you back out of your mind to re-focus back on what you are doing in the moment.

This is what happen to me this morning where, why’ll focusing on one thing, I experienced an influx of thoughts and when they first started coming up, I would apply self-forgiveness in the moment for them and whenever I would follow the thoughts, I would mess up on something, sort of like an instant wakeup call saying; “Hello, I’m here, this is what you’re doing” to snap myself out of it and apply self-forgiveness for going into it. This went on all morning long, jumping from scene to scene, movie to movie. It just seemed as if the more I applied self-forgiveness, the more thoughts would come up. I saw this as a test of my self-reactions to see if I would continue applying self-forgiveness for each thought that came up in the moment, or would I give up in saying; F.T.S.

Being that the latter wasn’t an option I continued applying self-forgiveness and as well (now) decided to write it out, and thus;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the postponement character while writing this, where as I was writing the first paragraph an urge to get up and go somewhere came up within and as me and before walking out the door I stopped, checked myself and came back to/and continued.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself get to the point of almost walking out the door.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize this as a sign of the postponement character until I finished the writing portion, walked outside took a breath and came back in to write this self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and influx of thoughts (this morning) in detail about everything that transpired when I was back at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the first influx of thoughts to come up being that of going back over every situation of interaction with others, replay it and check and see if what I said, done and/or the way I behaved in any case at any moment created conflict and if not, I would have a proud feeling to come up within and as me, as if I’m saying to myself; “Yeah that’s right, I said what I said, or did what I did”. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a proud feeling come up within and as me, when I didn’t see an initial conflict situation in the first influx of thought that came up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within this is an extensive amount of separation being perpetuated on my part by placing myself in a way as superior to others and excusing it as; “I’m just sharing my realizations”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a way as superior to others and excusing it as “I’m just sharing my realizations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the second influx of thoughts bring up the conflict situations that happened back home and replayed them over in my mind and by the time I counted to 3, I realized that I’ve played almost every conflict situation that took place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow and expound on the conflicting thoughts and having backchat and internal conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat and internal conversations, inputting everything that I didn’t say in that moment, in the revisited created scenario moment I just made up in my mind and then go into reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reaction saying what I didn’t say in hindsight as a response to what they said or didn’t say, instead of introspecting my starting point for participating in the situation in the first place, when the thoughts started coming up and immediately apply self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to this morning why’ll focusing on one thing, experience an influx of thoughts and when they first started coming up, I would apply self-forgiveness in the moment for them and whenever I would follow the thoughts, I would mess up on something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by messing up on something, (not as a thing to do) is sort of like an instant wakeup call saying; “Hello, I’m here, this is what you’re doing”, to snap myself out of it and apply self-forgiveness for going into it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I experience an influx of thoughts, this is also an indication that I am not utilizing breath in every moment in which a thought cannot exist within and as the moment of breath, so at that point I need to stop and clear myself take a deep breath, apply self-forgiveness and why’ll breathing re-focus on what I am doing in the moment.

When and as I see myself experiencing the postponement character while doing my writing, where I get an urge to get up and go someplace, instead of staying here and finishing what I started, I stop and breathe and postpone my postponement. I see/realize/understand that all I have to do is to take a breath and check myself, at which time I will see the necessity in finishing what I started, because if I allow this postponement, then I am setting myself back within my process which will make it ten times harder to push through what I set out to do, process related and would have to walk through the consequences again that I have created for myself, therefore; I commit myself to pushing through the resistance as postponement and finishing my writing in this moment with no delay as in leaving and coming back to it, when there is time.

When and as I see myself experiencing an influx of thoughts in detail about everything that transpired when I was back home, where the first influx of thoughts is checking/going back over every situation of interaction I had with others to see if what I said, done and/or the way I behaved in any case at any moment created conflict and if not, I accept and allow a proud feeling to come up within and as me, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand within this is an extensive amount of separation being perpetuated on my part by placing myself in a way as superior to others and excusing it as; “I’m just sharing my realizations”, which is hindsight spite and creates consequences for myself in the form of pain and/or things not going correctly in my world and reality, in which case I would start to wonder what’s going on, not realizing that I’m the culprit.

I commit myself to learning from what I’ve said, done and/or the way I behaved in moments of interaction with other and adjusting and correcting my application, if and when needed.

I commit myself to dropping the proud/prideful hindsight spite that I project onto others, as this only affects me, and instead to be the words that I speak, stand up for what I’ve done (if it was best for all) and live my corrective behavior.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing the second influx of thoughts to bring up conflict situations that happen back at home and replaying them over in my mind, following and expound on the conflicting thoughts and having backchat and internal conversations, inputting everything that I didn’t say in that moment, in the revisited created scenario moment I just made up in my mind and then going into reaction saying what I didn’t say in hindsight as a response to what they said or didn’t say, I stop and breathe, because that was a breath full, meaning that it was also a mind full as well, in which I made a mind fool out of myself for making myself react in hindsight which had no relevance to what I was doing in that moment and by my participation in my mind I kept messing things up as in each time I would follow a thought around, I would mess something up, as sort of and instant walkup call, saying; “Hello, I’m here this is what you’re doing”, to snap myself out of it and apply self-forgiveness for going into it. I see/realize/understand that when I experience an influx of thoughts, this is also an indication that I am not utilizing breath in every moment in which a thought cannot exist within and as the moment of breath, so at that point I need to stop and clear myself, take a deep breath, apply self-forgiveness and why’ll breathing re-focus on what I am doing in that moment.

I commit myself to when and as I see this influx of thoughts coming up within as me, to stop everything I am doing, take a deep breath and locate myself then apply self-forgiveness in the moment and walk the correction.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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