Day 198: Being Comfortable At Home

2CAHEver Since I left home after high school my view on life changed dramatically, from that of believing in how I was raise, within religion to my current stance on life. In between this time for years, I have always had this stigma about when I would go home and being around my parents and being concerned about what they think about me, where I didn’t want to be around them for an extended period of time, because I was afraid that they would ask me questions about my life that I didn’t want to answer and/or couldn’t answer because I didn’t have an answer for them, so whenever I went home, I’d find things to do to not stay around long and if I was staying with them, I would hang out as long as I could with my cousins or keep myself busy on the computer at their house. This made for the times I went back home to be far and few in between. One of the questions that they would always ask me when talking on the phone to them was; are you in church or have you found a church where you’re at? I didn’t know how to answer that, so I would say no and quickly change the subject and/or find a way to end the phone conversation as if I became busy in that moment.

The fear that existed within me was the fear of being ostracized and talked about, as if I was some lost in the world super sinner, and I could tell that I was the topic of discussion because whenever I would talk to certain sibling, they would in a way try and preach to me as if we didn’t grow up in the same house, under the same rules and regulation/brainwashing, this would just piss me off even more and the longer I would stay away, making it an excuse to not have to face my fear head on, so that’s what I did and the only time I would come around was during family reunions, emergency situation and/or worst case scenario, such as a funeral.

The last time I went home prior to coming back from this past week at home was a few years ago where I slept the majority of the time which kept me away from the whole “god told/said to me” conversations. Now over a period of time I’ve gotten to the point of being fed up, where I would be irritated but suppressed the irritation and let it affect me to the point of not wanting to be around and plus I didn’t have a way to combat the whole religious thing I’d grown to hate.
Being that I’ve been walking process in between the last time and this past time of going back home, a lot has changed, from the perspective of me learning about fear and how my mind feeds off of fear and plays tricks on me, as well as how to utilize breathing in every moment to remain stable and face my fears, (just to name a few) this time was different.

When I went back this time, I didn’t feel the urge to not be around but just the opposite, where I was comfortable around them and in conversations with them, where I was able to explain myself whenever I was asked something, as well as lead a random conversation without any fear arising within and as me and interestingly enough the church question didn’t come up once. I was also able to see how ridiculous it was for me to have had this fear coming up within and as me in the first place, and to see firsthand that the Desteni tools really work is what motivates me to continue walking process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always had this stigma about going home and being around my parents and being concerned about what they think about me, where I didn’t want to be around them for an extended period of time, because I was afraid that they would ask me questions about my life that I didn’t want to answer and/or couldn’t answer because I didn’t have an answer for them, so whenever I went home, I’d find things to do to not stay around long and if I was staying with them, I would hang out as long as I could with my cousins or keep myself busy on the computer at their house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of this, this made for the times I went back home to be far and few in between.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past when talking to my parents on the phone and they would ask me the question; are you in church or have you found a church where you’re at, believe that I didn’t know how to answer that question, so I would say no and quickly change the subject and/or find a way to end the phone conversation as if I became busy in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had the fear of being ostracized and talk about, as if I was some lost in the world super sinner, to come up within and as me, whenever I would be around them and then leave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in realizing that I was the topic of discussion, where whenever I would talk to certain sibling, they would try and preach to me as if we didn’t grow up in the same house, under the same rules and regulations/brainwashing, become pissed off even more and the longer I would stay away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this in staying away from home as an excuse to not have to face my fear head on, so that’s what I did and the only time I would come around was during family reunions, emergency situations and/or worst case scenario, such as a funeral and that’s it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear keep me from going home, whenever I wanted to, outside of the aforementioned times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the last time I went home prior to coming back from this past week at home was a few years ago where I slept the majority of the time and used that as an excuse to keep me away from the whole “god told/said to me” conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over a period of time get to the point of being fed up, where I would be irritated but suppressed the irritation and let it affect me to the point of not wanting to be around because I didn’t have a way to combat the whole religious thing I’d grown to hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and suppressed it within and as me, not seeing/realizing/understanding that my irritation would only create consequence for myself and was therefore useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I needed something to combat the whole religious thing I’d grown to hate, instead of coming back with the truth of how I really felt about the whole religious thing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this fear has always been embedded within and as me, stemming from following the belief system that I was raise in. And this particular fear, I induced on myself, under the assumption that I would have to go back and experience the past once again by being back at home, which I finally realized is not the case and I can live my life outside of the restrictions and limitation that I was raised in/with and placed on myself, to that which is best for All Life.

When and as I see myself having a stigma about going back home and being around my parents where I would go into fear that they would ask me questions about my life and afraid of how I would answer the questions, would lead me to being ostracized and talked about as if I was some lost in the world super sinner and had to deal with being preached to again and becoming irritated and suppressing it, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this stigma is self-made from not wanting to face this fear and this fear has always been embedded within and as me, stemming from following the belief system that I was raised in. And this particular fear, I induced on myself, under the assumption that I would have to go back and experience the past once again by being back at home, until I finally realized this is not the case and I can live my life outside of the restrictions and limitations that I was raised in/with and placed on myself, to that which is best for All Life.

I commit myself to releasing myself from these past fears that I have embedded within and as me, about how I was raised in religion and to stand up self-empower myself to share my realization on how my life is not the same as before growing up where I’m not defined or confined to a belief system any longer, but living life as to that which is best for all life..

I commit myself to no longer fearing to be ostracized or talked about as this is useless considering that being ostracized and talked about is what normally happen when one can’t quite explain why things happen or people change.

I commit myself to facing any fear that comes up within and as me, writing it out and getting to the bottom of it all.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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