Day 197: Back Home

Back-HomeEvery time I’ve been back home, I’ve always wanted to show off by presenting myself as whichever character I was during my time away from home, where I would present myself as superior to my friends/some family members in showing off my new clothes and paying for things. At the end of the day it was hard to maintain a character in form where I would be mentally worn out.

Growing up in a town where all there was was competition, it’s was easy to compete against others in any and everything you can think of, so obviously that’s all we did. I have been living in competition with others my entire life. I believed in a such thing called healthy competition as if it was a form of growth, where it was supposed to motivate someone to “do better” in competition, which looking back on it now, made no since because there was still someone losing and how could someone be motivated to “do better” and/or grow, if they lose? Not realizing it to be one of ultimate forms of separation,

Being that the city is gone downhill and the majority of the people moved away, there is nothing left. Driving around the city and looking at the things that use to be there that isn’t there any longer, brings up all of these past memories and a feeling of sadness, (even now) of people I use to know and where are they now sort of thing, I mean the place is desolate, where the neighborhood we used to live in, every school that I went to growing up from elementary to high school is demolished and/or closed and have been for some time. It’s like there is no physical evidence left that my childhood ever existed in this town outside of a few friends and some family member still living here. When you have known something to be a certain way your entire life and all of a sudden see and experience the change in things, you then have to face the changes head on and realize nothing of this physical world will remain the same forever and so for this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time I’ve been back home, I’ve always wanted to show off by presenting myself as whichever character I was during my time away from home, where I would present myself as superior to my friends/some family members in showing off my new clothes and paying for things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete against others, being that I grew up in a town where all we did was to compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in such a thing called healthy competition as if it was a form of growth, where it was supposed to motivate someone to “do better” in competition, which looking back on it now made no since because there was still someone losing and how could someone be motivated to “do better” and or grow if they lose?

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize competition to be one of the ultimate forms of separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when driving around the city and looking at the things that use to be there that isn’t there any longer, bring up all these past memories and a feeling of sadness comes up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to past memories of how things used to be in the town I grew up in, and become sad.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of these past memories unconditionally and focus on the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness, seeing the place desolate, where the neighborhood I used to live in, every school that I went to growing up from elementary to high school is demolished and/or closed and have been for some time. It’s like there is no physical evidence left that my childhood ever existed in this town outside of a few ole friends and some family members still living here.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I have known something to be a certain way my entire life and all of a sudden see and experience the change in things, I then have to face the changes head on and realize nothing of this physical world will remain the same forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become down when I realized that there was no change in the people that I knew growing up where from years ago still till today they are exactly the same and within that, I could see the change within me from the perspective of not having the urge to participate in the same things that I did with them from before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of being superior towards others to come up within and as me, when seeing ole friends and some family members, accompany with the feeling of sadness, where I know there is nothing I can do at this time to help them in any substantial way, but to realize they are in their own processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I could and would be able to help others and not consider others have their own processes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectation of how I would be received by ole friends and family members and what I thought they would be like, seeing them for the first time in some years.

When and as I see myself back home wanting to show off by presenting myself as whichever character I was during my time away from home, where I would present myself as superior to my friends/some family members in showing off my new clothes and paying for things, where because I grew up in a town where all we did was to compete against one another and believed in a such thing called healthy competition as if it was a form of growth, where it was supposed to motivate someone to “be better” in competition, which looking back on it now made no since because there was still someone losing and how could someone be motivated to “be better” and/or grow, if they lose? I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I have been living my life as competition in which, I have accepted and allowed my mind to keep me in separation from myself where I saw others in opposition to myself and became self-interested by separating myself from them in the grand scheme of things to only receive praise, status and/or looked at as being someone that I wasn’t/am not, from so called “winning” the competition.

I commit myself to no longer presenting myself as something/someone that I’m not when and as I am back home and/or see someone that I haven’t seen in a why’ll, where I accept and allow this pattern of competing against others to rise up within and as me, but instead to breathe and bring my head out of the cloud and back down to earth in expressing who I am without characters.

When and as I see myself driving around the town I grew up in and experiencing sadness in seeing the place desolate from the perspective of the neighborhood I grew up in and the schools from elementary to high school that I went to is demolished and/or closed and have been for some time, it’s like there is no physical evidence of my childhood ever existed in this town outside of a few ole friends and some family members still living here, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand when I have known something to be a certain way my entire life and all of a sudden see and experience the changes in things I have to face the changes head on and realize that nothing in this world will remain the same forever.

I commit myself to letting go of these past memories unconditionally of how things used to be in the town I grew up in and accepting thing as they are presently.

I commit myself to understanding that others are in their own processes and the best help I can give to them is to let them walk their own processes, and only if asked will I assist them on which I have been assist and have walked through.

I commit myself to no longer separating me from myself and others in the form of any competition as I see that competition only feeds my ego which extract from my physical body substance to transform into energy and causes my body to deplete and I then experience pain, but instead let go of this competitive mind frame through writing, self-forgiveness as a process, so that I’m able to stand equal

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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