Day 194: From the Inside Out

iNSIDE-OUTA while ago I took everything in my office/studio apart and broke it all down to do a “spring cleaning” (per se) and a little rearranging. What you will find when doing this is an accumulation of dust and dirt that has built up over a period of time and in some cases engrained deep within the cracks and crevices of your equipment/furniture. It’s a tedious job but well needed only to be absolutely certain that your equipment and things are working properly and will last you for quite some time. Once I had taken everything apart and had it laid out and around, I noticed an interesting thing as it reminded me of my process, where I saw this as my mind and the different pieces being different layers and dimension within it and got somewhat of a aided visual understanding of what I needed to do to totally release myself from my mind and into the physical, by taking it one layer/one dimension at a time where I go in and clean out all the cracks and crevices (per se) in my mind of old as well as present memories/reactions/ backchat/ internal conversations/judgments/suppressions/characters and underlying points from the inside out. What a dirty job but it has to be done.

Looking from the outside in, you’ll see a “pretty” picture and think “this person got their shit together” but a presentation is a well-oiled spite machine, where despite of what you may see from the outside, on the inside I was really messed up and had no idea of where to start in fixing myself. They say cleanliness is next to godliness, but a person can be anal (extremely clean) and still be dirty as hell on the inside, meaning as a slight example, let’s say you’re at a friends and they find something out of place like a hand towel fell on the floor in the bathroom because you didn’t make sure it was centered on the towel rack (by accident), they’ll snap at you with outrage and immediately say I’m sorry, I just like to keep my place clean and in order. What’s “wrong with this picture”. Now the presentation all of a sudden is not what it’s presented to be.

There have been a few times in my life where I have snapped on someone, all because of a different issue I didn’t know how to deal with at the time, that this person had nothing to do with and it’s interesting how we would just write it off as them being in the “wrong” place at the “wrong” time and say “Oh Well, they caught me on a bad day” and leave it at that; as if that’s cool and they can understand. Well, it’s not cool and if someone was able to understand; they were just as messed up as me, in which “birds of a feather flock together”.

These are but a few points that I have seen within myself that because of the way I presented myself could not be seen from the outside looking in, but after taking apart and laying out my office/studio, I was/am able to open up points, “From the Inside Out” and is in the process of cleaning out what has accumulate within me as memories/reactions/backchat/internal conversations/judgments/suppressions characters and underlying points from years of following the same patterns

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand what was needed to be done in cleaning out my mind from the inside out, until a while ago when I took everything in my office/studio apart and broke it all down where I then got somewhat of a aided visual understanding of what I needed to do to totally release myself from my mind and into my physical, by taking it one layer/one dimension at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the cracks and crevices of my mind hold onto old as well as present memories/reactions/backchat/internal conversations/judgments/suppressions/characters and underlying points that I hadn’t dealt with but had hidden behind a presentation of cleanliness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a” ”pretty picture” from the outside looking in where one would think “this person got their shit together” but the presentation was a well-oiled spite machine, where despite of what one may see from the outside, on the inside, I was really messed up and had no idea of where to start in fixing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe but not follow the phrase “cleanliness is next to godliness” from the inside out, where not just being clean in my surroundings but cleaning out the inside my mind as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a few times in my life; snapped on someone, all because of a different issue I didn’t know how to deal with at the time, that this person had nothing to do with and excused my snapping as “them being in the “wrong” place at the “wrong” time and have said; “Oh well they caught me on a bad day” and left it at that, as if that was cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the harm I may have caused in another’s life by snapping at them for nothing and blowing it off as normal.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the only way to ensure that nothing is left within me that will hinder my process of becoming life is to introspect my mind and lay it out for “spring cleaning” (per se) and clean out all the cracks and crevices of old as well as present memories/reactions/backchat/internal conversations/judgments/suppressions/characters and underlying point From the Inside Out.

When and as I see myself holding onto old as well as present memories/reactions/backchat/internal conversations/judgments/suppressions/characters and underlying points that I hadn’t dealt with but had hidden behind a presentation of cleanliness, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the only way to ensure that nothing is left within me that will hinder my process of becoming life is to introspect my mind and lay it out for “spring cleaning” (per se) and clean out all the cracks and crevices where I hid old as well as present memories/reactions/backchat/internal conversations/judgments/suppressions/characters and underlying points.

I commit myself to cleaning myself from the inside out of my mind and no longer let the accumulation of dust and dirt as thoughts/feeling/emotions fester and build up to a snapping point within and as me, but instead to consider the harm that not only I am perpetuating onto myself but towards others as well.

I commit myself to no longer presenting myself as something that I’m not or haven’t lived, but instead to in working on myself live what I have walked and committed myself to that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to living and becoming the phrase “cleanliness is next to godliness”, not only externally but internally as well.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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