Day 188: Being Singled Out

Being-Singled-outThroughout my life when things have happened to me I would always think/perceive/believe that I was/am being singled; that nobody else has/is experiencing what I am in the present moment, so why am I experiencing this. I’d tell myself things like; “what did I do to deserve this” and “do I really have to go through this” and “does this happen to everyone else, or just me?” and “Am I fucking up that bad that I have to experience this?” and still not knowing, I would then say; “I didn’t sign up for this”. This is currently in relations to the pain that has seemingly came out of nowhere that I have been experiencing the last few weeks in my right buttock down throughout my right leg. I haven’t been participating in anything strenuous, so when it came up and stayed I became frustrated. This sort of pain has come up before but went away, but like I said before this time it hasn’t completely gone away. I do my best to write each day, in the morning mostly on situations that has happened the previous day therefore I leave nothing lingering within my mind and there are time when I write about and apply self-forgiveness for the same thing more than once, which I will continue to do as needed, so when situations like this, what I am experiencing comes up (although this is the first time with pain) thoughts of being singled out comes up within and as me, I mean there is no viable reason but an excuse for these thoughts coming up within me; my thing is to get to the bottom of it all and to make this pain cease to exist, although I do realize that pain really doesn’t exist, but at times this shit hurts where I’m at a loss for words.

So I’ve spoken to someone about this and they have assisted me in showing me how this particular pain and discomfort points to the words “self-empowerment” and “direction” also “support” in having a look at points relating to my future, survival and money, and because of the positioning of the pain, the point of “self-empowerment” comes up where, I have been giving my power away to emotion / fear, making myself inferior / less than others within a situation, and within the point of “direction” – I am not giving myself / what I’m facing direction in terms of resolving it / finding a solution but instead letting myself be directed by my emotions / fear and within the point of “support” – overall I am not supporting myself to my utmost potential, as an overview to what I will be opening up in this post in relation to the pain I have been experiencing and why I have always believed, when I can’t figure out why something is, that I am being singled out by someone or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, when things would happen to me I would always think/perceive/believe that I was/am being singled out; that nobody else has/is experiencing what I am, in the present moment, so why am I experiencing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then tell myself things like; “what did I do to deserve this” and “do I really have to go through this” and “does this happen to everyone else or just me?” “And, am I fucking up that bad that I have to experience this?” and still not knowing, I would then say; “I didn’t sign up for this”. This is currently in relation to the pain that seemingly came out of nowhere that I have been experiencing the last few weeks in my right buttock, down throughout my right leg.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated, when this pain came up and stayed, instead of investigating the root cause of this pain on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to (although this is the first time with pain) let thoughts of being singled out come up within and as me, I mean there is no viable reason but an excuse for these thoughts coming up within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “being singled out” as an excuse to not facing the problem head on, but instead looking/searching for someone/something to project blame onto as the reason/cause why I am experiencing this pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflict pain onto myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of my body and thus inflict pain onto it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by this pain that I have inflicted onto my body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that this pain is showing me my acceptances and allowances within my relationships in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate this pain in relation to its positioning / pin point placement inside my body.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand until I was assisted by someone to see, in showing me how this particular pain and discomfort points to the words “self-empowerment” and “direction” also “support” in having a look at points relating to my future, survival and money.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that because of the positioning of the pain, the point of self-empowerment” comes up, where I have been giving my power away to emotion / fear, making myself inferior / less than others within a situation and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to emotion / fear in making myself inferior / less than others within a situation as in disempowering myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the point of “direction” – I am not giving myself / what I’m facing direction in terms of resolving it / finding a solution. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct the situation, resolve it and/or find the solution, but instead dwell in the problem.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the point of “support” – Overall I am not supporting myself to my utmost potential. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to support myself to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see moments in my mind, I have accepted and allowed myself to react contributing to these emotional experiences that comes up within and as me towards a friend / work partner in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being approached by my friend / work partner in perpetuating and argument / conflict, instead of remaining calm and stable where I would actually be able to speak with them in such a way of support them to equally calm down more and have more of a stable conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react because of past memories I held onto about them and our past friendship relationship, used as a trigger to react towards them whenever they approach me with emotions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate completely past memories in relation to them that are still emotional and carry emotional reactions that has come up in the present and have influenced me as well as my relationship with them.
Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand this is where the direction point comes in, where I am allowing memories and emotions to control me and not directing myself / resolving the things inside myself and also not with him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed memories and emotions to control me and not direct myself / resolve the things inside me and also not with them.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by me thinking/perceiving/believing that I am being singled out, I am wanting to hold onto past memories within the history of an ongoing relationship I have with a friend / work partner that I have let influence my present relationship with them, in terms of accepting and allowed myself to react with emotion when approached with emotion by them in relation to my future, survival and money where I am not directing the situation to its resolve, but instead accept and allow myself to be disempowered in giving my power away to emotions / fear in making myself inferior / less than and in doing so I wasn’t able to support myself to my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself thinking/perceiving/believing that I am being singled out do to the pain I am experiencing and that nobody has/is experiencing what I am, in the present moment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that by me thinking/perceiving/believing that I am being singled out, I am wanting to hold onto past memories within the history of an ongoing relationship I have with a friend / work partner that I have let influence my present relationship with them, in terms of accepting and allowing myself to react with emotion when approached with emotion by them in relation to my future, survival and money where I am not directing the situation to its resolve, but instead accept and allow myself to be disempowered myself in giving my power away to emotions / fear in making myself inferior / less than and in doing so I am not able to support myself to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to no longer thinking/perceiving/believing that I am being singled out, as this is an excuse to not face the situation head on, but instead let it linger which has had a detrimental effect on myself as in inflicting pain onto my body, and thus I commit myself to resolving this lingering situation, by no longer accepting and allowing past memories/emotion and fear to direct me as in making myself inferior / less than my friend / work partner and the situation, but instead to self-empower myself in taking back my power from my mind in which I have reacted to past emotional experiences, that way I am able to support myself to my utmost potential when it comes to money and my future, where fear doesn’t set in when a conversation comes up in relation to money and my future and I react because the other person reacted, but that I remain calm and stable in which case I will be able to assist them in calming down so that we may have a stable calm conversation.

I commit myself to letting all past memories of my past relationship history with my friend / work partner as this is the trigger that at any time could go off when in conversation with them, and making sure that I am clear within myself before I have a conversation with them, so that it doesn’t complicate and perpetuate any more conflict within our current/present relationship.

I commit myself to investigating any and all points of pain that I experience within me and if I am at a loss for words then I will seek assistance, that way I can/will and be able to stand equal to and one with who self is – knowing/living who I am through and through: that I build a lasting connection with my body where I am standing within and as the physical with breath in every moment as who I am as life.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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