Day 176: Looking For A Way Out

Looking-for-a-way-outWhen I was a child (between the ages of 6 and 9) we used to go camping every summer in our trailer and when it was time to sleep we had specifically assigned spots in the trailer where each one of us slept, me being the youngest and the smallest boy there was like a little cubby hole sleeping spot above the table in our trailer (if you’re familiar with camper trailers) that was just enough space for one small person to fit in and sleep which was about 2 feet max in high, but long and wide enough for me to stretch out comfortably, the only thing was that, when you turn to one side you’re facing a rounded wall which makes the space seem even more smaller, and sleeping facing the other way you’re just looking out into the cabin and down on those below you. Now at nights (in the trailer) its pitch black where you can only see outlines of things when looking out into the cabin of the trailer and the other way is just an even darker smaller space. So one night I woke up disorientated and facing the other way and became hysterical thinking that I was trapped inside a box and started yelling and crying saying; “I got-ta get out of here”, “I got-ta get out of here”, this woke everyone else up, my older brother first and he helped me to realize that I was just facing the wrong way. Since then I’ve been looking for a way out, because I felt smothered and trapped.

This is how my life would continue to go as in looking for a way out. I felt as if every situation I was in restricted me from being able to do what I wanted to do and express myself how I wanted to express myself. This continued with church where I eventually started looking for a way out, because I felt restricted, limited and couldn’t do what I wanted to do, so when I turned 18 I found my way out of that life, by going into the military, and although it was interesting and exciting to go different places around the world and see and experience new things and meet new people, I was still restricted, limited and couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to and thus couldn’t wait until I got out of the military to do so and so when I finally go out it was like a breath of fresh air so to speak, where for a moment I felt free and was able to express myself how I wanted to and being in Hawaii was the perfect place to do that, (Which was where I was stationed in the military, in Hawaii)

After the military there came relationships where I had no idea how to “court” a woman or even what they liked, but yet and still I found myself in quite a few of them, I mean I wasn’t this horrible guy or something like that, I just didn’t have the slightest clue about relationships, all I knew was to be nice and everything would work itself out, so I thought (I also had no Idea about the mind and how one could be easily deceived and manipulated into doing and not doing things by others) and that’s where the restricted part comes in, where now I started being accused of doing things that I didn’t do and started feeling restricted in a sense of the words restrained and limited. And each time I felt this way I started looking for a way out. This continued all the way up and throughout my last most recent relationship where I felt (accepted and allowed) and experienced this sense of entitlement and control over me where I was unable to really express myself and/or let alone find out who I am within this expression in itself and so unexpectedly I found myself out of that relationship.

In looking for a way out of everything that lead me to this point in my life, lo and behold I found it and guess what? It’s not easy. What I came to realize is that I have to free myself from my mind in which I have infused myself within, by thinking/perceiving/believing that my thoughts/feelings/emotions are real and is who I am, but they’re not and the only way out, is to stop my mind and to do that I must use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support me to release myself from my mind and TRULY be FREE. And so;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a way out of situations in my life in which I felt restricted from not being able to do what I wanted to do and express myself how I wanted to express myself, instead of facing and taking responsibility for each situation that I have come across in my lifetime.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face and take responsibility for each and every situation that I have come across in my lifetime, but instead blame others for restricting me from doing what I wanted to do and expressing myself the way I wanted to express myself and thus trap myself in a perpetual cycle of restriction and limitation in pursuit of looking for a way out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in thinking/perceiving/believing that if I exclude myself from others, then I would be free, not realizing that others were not the major problem; that my mind was and others are just following they’re mind as I was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mess up plenty of relationships by going into them with separation already existent within and as me in thinking/perceiving/believing that I would be restricted and/or limited and not able to express myself how I wanted to and so any sign of this in anyway at all, I took as a sign to look for a way out.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself as well as others, within relationships a chance to really get to know one another, because I was to infatuated by this whole being restricted, limited, expressionless way of thinking that I had grown accustom to throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have grown accustom to being restricted, limited and expressionless throughout my life, where it has affected my relationships with others and my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself under that belief that I was being restricted, limited and not able to express myself, when in fact I accepted and allowed myself to go through these situations in my life, time and time again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is no way out from the perspective of running away in abdicating my responsibility for the situations in my life and this world being the way it is and that the only thing that there is to look for a way out of is my mind and to achieve this I must use the tools of Writing, Self-forgiveness and Self-Correction Application to assist and support me to release myself from my mind and TRULY be FREE.

When and as I see myself looking for a way out of situations in my life in which I feel restricted from not being able to do what I want to do and express myself the way I want to express myself, I stop and breathe and realize that this is my fault for thinking/perceiving/believing that I am able to be restricted and limited to where I am not able to express myself the way I want to and thus in order to release myself for this belief I must first take responsibility for each and every situation I come across/have come across in my lifetime in stopping my participation in my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotion and the backchat/internal conversation and reactions that I have/had about these situation so that I can see/ walk/live/be/become who I am as life and live TRULY FREE.

I commit myself to seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no way out from the perspective of running away in abdicating my responsibility for the situations in my life and this world being the way it is and that the only thing that there is to look for a way out of is my mind and to achieve this I must use the tools of Writing, Self-forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application to assist and support me to release myself from my mind and TRULY be FREE. Within this, I commit myself to taking responsibility for each and every situation that I come across/have come across in my lifetime by self-forgiving myself for my participation in past situations, living my self-corrective actions/statements of my self-forgiveness and remaining stable HERE with breath in every moment.

I commit myself to no longer stay trapped in a perpetual cycle of restriction and limitation in pursuit of looking for a way out, but instead to stop this cycle by releasing myself from my mind with self-forgiveness and self-corrective action.

I commit myself to no longer exclude myself from others, but instead to accept others as who I am in showing me how I have restricted myself internally.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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