Day 173: Things that I Want to Hear

Things-I-want-to-hearThere is a pattern that I have of making things fit together from a mental stand point, believing it and not accepting any other answer from anyone that’s different than what I have already made up in my mind, in relation to what has transpired in my life. Even if the other person is telling me in actual fact what really took place, just because it’s not what I came up with, I won’t believe it because it’s not the things that I want to hear. It’s like I have become so addicted to conflict situations within my relationships that I am not satisfied unless the other person validates the conflict that I came up with in my mind without fact. Until then I continue creating more scenarios of assumption in my mind to validate to myself what I have already came up with as being the truth when in fact it wasn’t.

This is insanity because it’s like I’m sort of forcing the other persons hand to lie in a way to tell me the things I want to hear and once I hear it, I’m fine about it. (But it was not the truth) The strange thing about it is (9) times out of (10) what I pieced together in my mind was way worse of a situation than the truth actually end up being and for some reason I was fine with that. Within this I see my infatuation with winning and/or wanting to always be “right”.

It takes a considerable amount of energy to uphold and maintain this illusion for years, which is what I have been doing and in the process blaming this and that person for different aspects of my life that has turned sour. (By my own doing) Not taking into consideration that what I had come up with in my mind was from pieces of scattered information I had accumulated over time, without substantial fact, just bits and pieces from here and there, and what I ended up with was a scattered assumption, an “invalent” picture and believed it to be real when in fact it wasn’t.

When I look back on all the decisions that I had made, I see how I have created myself to be this person and at what point in my adult life things started going sour, because of the “Things that I wanted to hear” that wasn’t in any way the truth, but all made up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a pattern of making things fit together from a mental stand point, believing it and not accepting any other answer from anyone that’s different than what I have already made up in my mind in relation to what have transpired in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even if the other person was telling me in actual fact what really took place, just because it’s not what I came up with, I didn’t believe it because it’s wasn’t the things that I want to hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become so addicted to conflict situations within my relationships that I wasn’t satisfied unless the other person validates the conflict that I came up with in my mind without fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to until then continue creating more scenarios of assumption in my mind to validate to myself what I already came up with as being the truth when in fact it wasn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of force the other persons hand to lie in way to tell me the things I want to hear and once I hear it, I’m, fine about it. (But it was not the truth)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do, the strange thing about it is (9) times out of (10) what I pieced together in my mind was way worse of a situation than the truth actually end up being and for some reason I was fine with that.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an infatuation with winning and/or wanting to always be “right”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a considerable amount of energy to uphold and maintain this illusion for years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase energy in upholding and maintaining this illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the process of maintaining and upholding this illusion blame this and that person for different aspects of my life that turned sour. (By my own doing)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration that what I had come up with in my mind was from pieces of scattered information I had accumulated over time, without substantial fact, just bits and pieces from here and there, and what I ended up with was a scattered assumption, an “invalent” picture and believed it to be real when in fact it wasn’t.

When and as I see myself following the pattern of making things fit together from a mental stand point, believing it and not accepting any other answer from anyone that’s different than what I have already made up in my mind in relation to what has transpired in my life, I stop and breathe. I realize that I want to be validated for my assumption just to say that I won because I am infatuated with winning from the stand point of always wanting to be “right” and so until I get that validation I continue creating more scenarios of assumption in my mind to validate to myself what I have already came up with as being the truth when in fact it wasn’t.

I also see/realize/understand that I was so addicted to conflict situation within my relationships that I wasn’t satisfied unless the other person validates the conflict that I came up with in my mind without fact. It’s like I was forcing the other persons hand to lie in a way to tell me the things I want to hear and once I hear it, I’m fine about it, even though what I pieced together in my mind was way worse of a situation than the truth actually end up being, for some reason I was fine with that.

I commit myself to no longer follow this pattern of not wanting to hear what others have to say that is the truth in some cases and believing in the illusion I create in my mind, but instead to see/realize/understand and take into consideration that what I had come up with in my mind was pieces of scattered information I had accumulated over time, without substantial fact, just bits and pieces from here and there, and what I ended up with was a scattered assumption, an “invalent” picture and believed it to be real when in fact it wasn’t. Within this I used a considerable amount of energy to uphold and maintain this illusion for years. I commit myself to no longer chase energy in upholding and maintaining this illusion, but instead, realizing that this energy is not real or who I am. I commit myself to investigating through introspection my relationship with this negative energy and correcting my self-relationship when it comes to internal turmoil and conflict so I can live life as what is best for all.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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