Day 172: My Relationship with Time

RWTI have always considered time as something that there just wasn’t enough of in some cases and too much of in other cases where for example when I was a child at the point of having fun playing, I wished that it could last forever and that there just wasn’t enough time in the day to continue having fun playing (this is where the saying; “time flies when you’re having fun” comes into play) and on the other hand whenever there was something I didn’t like doing or resisted doing such as sitting in church or going to school, I wished that time would hurry up and go by, so I could go and play, because as a child I believed those things was a waste of my time.

Then you have what I call being caught up in time, where rushing, being late and losing track of time comes into play, simply because we’re caught up doing something else and momentarily forget what we have/had/supposed to do and most of the time we are too consumed by thought, stuck in our mind. This can be brought on by doing things that we “love” to do such as playing video games, watching movies, sleeping, doing our favorite hobby, whatever it may be, talking on the phone to our significant other, or just moping around the house, either way we lose track of time as the innate definition of “Time flying by”.

I experienced structured time when I was in the military where everything we did was calculated down to the minute from sleeping to eating to using the bathroom in which case I became disorientated and had no sense of time, it was like manufactured reprogramming which was preprogramed in itself, the ultimate in brainwashing that lasted until I got out of the military at which time I returned to my already scheduled preprogramed life. After that experience I didn’t like the idea of anything structured so planning ahead became null and void to me so to speak where I began to only do things out of spontaneity as in deciding upon/doing things in the moment. In any case my sense of time became all screwed up because at that point I started experimenting with drugs and doing what I wanted to do that suited my self-interest like staying up and partying for (2) or (3) days straight, then sleeping it off and doing it again. Within that, my only sense of time was getting to the party at the “right time”. Obviously something had to give because this was taking a toll on me. It got to the point where nothing else really mattered except this manufactured happiness, more like “happened mess”. I started forgetting things that I planned to do and planning things just to not follow through.

I had no routine in relation to time at that point in my life in effectively planning my day. I also thought that I had all the time in the world to do and/or get things “right” within myself. I believed in the illusion of the saying; “Time is on my side”, why’ll living my life as a perpetual down time, blind to the fact of being a fence sitter, meaning I didn’t want to take responsibility for anything in either direction, my thing was to watch life play out and whichever way I saw that interested me I would go that way until it became too difficult, at which time I would go back to fence sitting. The consequence for this was having the best seat in the house to watch my life fall apart piece by piece and not know what to do about it or what was going on and as an aftermath, looking back on it and asking myself the question; “Did I do that”?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever there was something I didn’t like doing or resisted doing wish that time would hurry up and go by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in time, rushing, being late and losing track of time because I was caught up doing something else and momentarily forgot what I have/had/supposed to do and most of the time I was too consumed by thought, stuck in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in relation to time be too consumed by thought, stuck in my mind and thus end up rushing, being late and losing track of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose track of time in my life by doing things such as playing video games, watching movies, sleeping, doing my favorite hobby, whatever it was at the time, talking on the phone to my significant other (of the past), and/or moping around the house, unconsciously watching time fly be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to why’ll experiencing structured time in the military become disorientated and had no sense of time, it was like manufactured reprograming which was preprogramed in itself, the ultimate in brainwashing that lasted until I got out of the military, at which time I returned to my already scheduled preprogramed life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, after my military experience not like the idea of anything structured, so planning became null and void to me so to speak where I began to only do things out of spontaneity as in deciding upon/doing things in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any case accept and allow my sense of time to become all screwed up because at that point I started experimenting with drugs and doing what I wanted to do that suited my self-interest like staying up and partying for (2) to (3) days straight, then sleeping it off and doing it again. Within that, my only sense of time was getting to the party at the “right time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of suiting my self-interest, stay up and party for (2) to (3) days straight, then sleep it off and do it again. Within that, my only sense of time was getting to the party at the “right time”. Obviously something had to give because this was taking a toll on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let it get to the point where nothing else really mattered except this manufactured happiness, more like “happened mess”. And thus I started forgetting things that I planned to do and planning things just to not follow through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at that point in my life I had no routine in relation to time in effectively planning my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had all the time in the world to do and/or get things “right” within myself and believed in the illusion of the saying; “Time is on my side”, why’ll living my life as a perpetual down time, blind to the fact of being a fence sitter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a fence sitter, meaning I didn’t want to take responsibility for anything in either direction, my thing was to watch life play out and whichever way I saw that interested me I would go that way until it became too difficult, at which time I would go back to fence sitting.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequence for this was having the best seat in the house to watch my life fall apart piece by piece and not know what to do about it or what was going on and as and aftermath, looking back on it and asking myself the question; “Did I do that”?

When and as I see myself in my relationship with time whenever there was something I didn’t like doing or resisted doing, wish that time would hurry up and go by, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how fast or slow time goes, whatever it is that I don’t like doing or resisted doing still is there for me to do, so why not do it and get it done with as this will give my more time to do other things.

I commit myself to whenever there is something that I don’t want to do or resist doing, to take a breath, apply self-forgiveness for the resistance and just do it and get it done.

When and as I see myself being caught up in time, rushing, being late or losing track of time because I was caught up doing something else and momentarily forgot what I have/had/supposed to do and most of the time, I was too consumed by thought, stuck in my mind, I stop and breathe to bring myself back here back down to earth. I realize how easy it is to get stuck in my mind by following that first thought around, so to stop this from happening I need to set reminders for myself to assist and support me to not be stuck in my mind first off, lose track of time, being late then rush to get wherever.

I commit myself to constantly reminding myself to breathe to not get stuck in my mind and thus I won’t lose track of time, be late, or have to rush to get somewhere.

When and as I see myself losing track of time in my life by doing things such as playing video games, watching movies, sleeping, doing my favorite hobby, talking on the phone or just moping around the house, unconsciously watching time fly by, I stop and breathe and realize that all these things can be done after I handle my responsibilities, make my appointment and be where I supposed to be when I am supposed to be there. I realize the there are consequences for losing track of time, such as lose of job, missed opportunities and placing oneself in detrimental situations, I also realize that moping around only perpetuate internal conflict and is not conducive to being the directive principle in my life.

I commit myself to handling my responsibilities first and foremost before anything else and no longer accept and allow myself to mope around the house, but instead to keep myself busy and out of my mind.

When and as I see myself thinking/perceiving/believing that structured time and planning is null and void to me so to speak where I began to only do things out of spontaneity as in deciding upon/doing things in the moment, I stop and breathe and make sure that the spontaneity is done in conjunction with my daily routine and responsibilities.

I commit myself to maintaining and sticking to my routine of thing as this keeps me grounded in a way where I can get more things done within my day.

When and as I see myself in any case accept and allow my sense of time to become all screwed up, I stop and breathe and realize that I am not present but in my mind.

I commit myself to re-evaluating my time to make sure that I am staying within the parameters of my process at any given moment and if not, to investigate to see at what point within process that I am failing.

I commit myself to no longer take time for granite, but take every moment as if it was my last.

When and as I see myself being a fence sitter, meaning I didn’t want to take responsibility for anything in either direction, but instead watch life play out and whichever way I saw that interested me I would go that way until it became too difficult, at which time I would go back to fence sitting, I stop and breathe. I realize the consequence for this was having the best seat in the house to watch my life fall apart piece by piece and not know what to do about it or what was going on and as and aftermath, looking back on it and asking myself the question; “Did I do that”?

I commit myself to sticking with my process and no longer straddling the fence per se, but instead to stick with one thing and go all the way.

I commit myself to redefining my relationship with time from that of; something that there is not enough of in some cases and too much of in other cases”, to that of; “Take Initiative, Move, Express.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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