Day 150: Slingshot

Sling-ShotAlready this year I have been invited to participate in two (2) functions/events that others either want me to help setup for them or it’s a must that I come to the function/event that was already planned last year. Now it seems all “fine and dandy” but these (2) functions/events are from a past perspective of how I used to be. Let me explain. First off one (1) is a birthday weekend celebration that the person wants me to setup for them where they want me to go back to the place I moved from, reconnect with past associates and lock them into a “fun” Night Life scene and they want me to be there. Seems simple enough but the problem is that this person is a family member and that’s how they knew me to be. (We’ll come back)…

The other function/event is an old church member reunion in which under normal circumstances I would just say no thanks but here again the problem is that this is organized by my family members and will be held in the town I grew up in where my parent still live. (We’ll come back)…
Now on (1) hand you have what seems to be and (inviting invitation) with the possibility of making money involved from helping setting up the birthday weekend celebration and on the other hand you have being Slingshot back into that life I came out of. The reason I am mentioning this is because at first glance it seems to be inviting, but do I want to set myself back once again, knowing where this will lead to? (We’ll come back)…

Starting point

“What would be my starting point” for going to this old church reunion is the question I’ve never asked myself before making a decision to do anything. I used to be one who would jump to the chance to make an impression on those who I’ve grown up with, but haven’t seen since back then, where I couldn’t wait to present myself in character to them and be seen as the center of attention, I always wanted to out shine the next person, as if I was somebody different now, well the only true thing about this statement is that, I am somebody different now, from the perspective of no longer presenting myself in character, but as equal and one with them.

(Continuing from before)

I was faced with a similar but different situation, where I had a choice to either do “This” or “That” and I chose to do “That”, in spite of all the warning signs. “That” is not what I would recommend for anyone to choose because” ”That” will make your process “That” much harder, so although the invitation may seem inviting, I choose “This”, My Process, as “This” will insure I don’t set myself back once again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of helping set up a birthday weekend celebration, where I would have to go back to the place I moved from, reconnect with past associates and lock them into a “fun” Night Life scene and be there with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when entertaining the thought of helping set up a birthday weekend celebration do to it being a family member that I would be helping and thus momentarily become indecisive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the thought of going to an old church member reunion under the pretense of wanting to show myself off to those I grew up with that I haven’t seen since back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the circumstances has to be a certain way in conjunction with my response of Yes I will go or No thanks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of an excuse to justify to myself going of; “I will be able to see my family members that I haven’t seen for some time now” and “by the way my parents still live in that town, so I will be able to see them as well”, instead of just making a decision to go or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on one hand think that the possibility of making money involved with helping set up the birthday weekend celebration is an (inviting invitation), not realizing that on the other hand I would be Slingshot back into that life I came out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place emphasis on the possibility of making money for helping set up a birthday weekend celebration as being inviting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at first glance it seems to be inviting, until I asked myself the question; “but do you want to set yourself back again” knowing where this will lead to?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ask myself before making a decision to do anything the question of; “What is my starting point”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use to be one who would jump to the chance to make an impression on those who I’ve grown up with, but haven’t seen since back then, where I couldn’t wait to present myself in character to them and be seen as the center of attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always wanted to out shine the next person, as if I was somebody different now.

I realize that there will be times throughout my process when I am faced with a choice to either do “This” or “That” and knowing from experience that choosing “That” will make my process that much harder, therefore there is no question that I will from here on out choose “This”, My Process, as “This will insure I don’t set myself back in my process again.

When and as I see myself entertaining the thought of helping set up a birthday weekend celebration, where I would have to go back to the place I move from, reconnect with past associate and lock them into a “fun” Night Life scene and be there with them, I stop and breathe. I realize where this will lead to and I should let them know what I am able to do and not do to assist them.

I commit myself to no longer entertaining any thought that will lead me to experience my past once again but instead to, from when I am asked, to let it be known in which ways I am able to assist them or not.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when entertaining the thought of helping set up a birthday weekend celebration, do to it being a family member that I would be helping and thus momentarily become indecisive, I stop and breathe. I realize that anxiety is harmful to my body, so what I should do is remain stable within the decision that I have committed to walking my process, that way there is no experience of indecisiveness coming up and thus the anxiety won’t exist.

I commit myself to remaining stable within the decision that I have committed to walking my process, that way I don’t become indecisive but is able to state my response/answer to whatever is asked or talked about.

When and as I see myself entertaining the thought of going to an old church member reunion under the pretense of wanting to show myself off to those I grew up with and haven’t seen since back then, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am looking to be the center of attention in which I separate myself and put on a character as if I am someone different now.

I commit myself to no longer adding a pretense in altering the way I look at things or act in different situations, as in putting on characters or looking to be the center of attention, but instead to be who I am in remaining the same, no matter the day or function/event or place but remember to breathe and remain stable.

I commit myself to responding from a self-honest starting point without altering any question in my mind making it circumstantial as in whether or not I say Yes or No.

I commit myself to no longer excusing or justifying to myself to do something because in that instance all I am doing is just-a-lying to myself which is creating consequence and is the number 1 cause of abuse to my body.

I commit myself to no longer placing emphasis on the possibility of making money as in something being inviting, but instead to take money out of the equation and see if I still see it the same.

I commit myself to asking myself what is my starting point of doing.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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