Day 131: When Old Friends Re-Surface

Whwn-old-friends-re-surfaceThis morning I received a call from an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to or saw for a few years now. During the call he asked me how was I doing and I asked him the same then he brought up a situation from our past and we discussed the situation and then said that he was around two (2) other old friend from my past and asked if I wanted to speak to them, so I did and during the conversation all of these thoughts of past memories started to come up within and as me about the times we were all together and at that point I had to stop myself because my mind started going into over drive bringing up this and that time and situation within me.

After the call these thoughts persisted to come up and I started thinking how inviting the conversations was as if I was being reeled into wanting to go back into the world that I left and then started telling myself to stop and I’m not going back into that life and that’s not who I am anymore and so on and so forth and the thoughts still persisted to come up even after I had applied self-forgiveness specifically in the moment as the thoughts was coming up, then I realized what was happening and why the thoughts kept coming up. I was going overboard with telling myself how I’m not that person anymore and what I wasn’t going to do as in not placing myself in a compromising position anymore etc. But what I didn’t see/realize/understand was that by doing this, I was fuelling the thoughts to still come up, as well as (in a way) building myself up to the point of making or finding an excuse to justify to myself going back into the world that I had left behind which is and interesting point because I have sabotaged myself this way a few time and ended up wondering how I got to the point of falling back into my old ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to When Old Friends Re-Surface and I have conversations with them accept and allow all of these thoughts of past memories come up within and as me about the times we were together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to go into over drive bringing up this and that time and situation that I had with these old friends that I spoke to this morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the call I started thinking how inviting the conversations was as if I was being reeled into wanting to go back into the world that I left and then started telling myself to stop and I’m not going back into that life and that’s not who I am anymore and so on and so forth and the thoughts still persisted to come up even after I had applied self-forgiveness specifically in the moment as the thoughts was coming up.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by doing this, I was fuelling the thoughts to still come up, as well as (in a way) building myself up to the point of making or finding an excuse to justify to myself going back into the world that I had left behind which is and interesting point because I have sabotaged myself this way a few times and ended up wondering how I got to the point of falling back into my old ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build myself up to the point of making or finding an excuse to justify to myself going back into the world that I had left behind.

When and as I see myself When Old Friends Re-Surface and I have conversations with them and I accept and allow all of these thoughts of past memories come up within and as me about the times we were together, I stop and breathe. I realize that from time to time old friends will re-surface and that I should remain stable as who I am and not participate in these past memories as they will lead me to wanting to go back into my old ways again.

I commit myself to when having a conversation with old friends to remain stable as who I am and no longer accept and allow myself to bring up thoughts of past memories about the time we were together, but instead to let go of these memories unconditionally and enjoy the present conversation.

When and as I see myself after a call with old friends starting to think how inviting a conversation was as if I was being reeled into wanting to go back into the world that I left, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is a trigger thought to get me to thinking more about my past which will inevitably possess me to the point of making or finding an excuse to go back into the world that I left.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow such thoughts to possess me but instead to forgive myself for accepting and allowing these thoughts to come up within and as me in the first place.

When and as I see myself telling myself to stop and I’m not going back into that life and that’s not who I am anymore and so on and so forth and the thoughts still persist to come up even after I have applied self-forgiveness specifically in the moment as the thoughts was coming up, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that by doing this, I am fuelling the thoughts to still come up, as well as (in a way) building myself up to the point of making or finding an excuse to justify to myself going back into the world that I had left behind.

I commit myself to no longer over emphasize the point of who I am and what I will and will not do within myself as this will continue fuelling the thoughts to come up within and as me, but to instead as I know what I shouldn’t and will not do and where this leads to, to not do it, but instead to remain stable as who I am in these moments.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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