Day 123: Alter/Change

AlterChangeWhy is it at times we Alter/Change ourselves to fit in, be “liked”, appease others. As if who we are in that moment is not good enough to be accepted by the masses. It starts with second guessing ourselves which opens the door to more thoughts/feelings/emotions to emerge within me and presuming that others will not like what we wear, the way we look, act, speak and so on and so forth. We then feel the need to Alter/Change our appearances, behavior, ways and actions. This is character building at its finest.

For the most part I used to think that character building was a “good” thing or something one must do to “stay ahead of the curve” so to speak. Well, in this society of dis-honesty it is to and extent. And I say to an extent meaning if we accept ourselves as who we are and take responsibility for what we have become and realize what we have accepted and allowed then we will understand that the “curve” has always been a straight line and within our minds eye we created this “curve” through Altering/Changing ourselves from who we really are to who others want us to be.

I always believed that at times throughout my life I needed to re-invent myself so to speak where I would get “tired” of/with the character that I was portraying and assumed that others was to. Sort of a “wore out my welcome” type thing (per se), where I would “change scenes” (different groups of people) and create/Alter/Change out of one character into the next and feeling as if I started fresh and left all the “bad” (the way people knew me to be) behind me. This only lasted so long until the past would catch up with me every time, then I would run off again, looking, searching, seeking to re-invent myself, Alter/Change who I was in past moments. We call that “jumping out of the frying pan into the oven” so to speak.

These alterations and changes that I inflicted onto myself was just that an “Affliction” onto my body, perpetuating abuse onto myself without realizing that I would eventually have to face myself for what I had accepted and allowed myself to be/become in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Alter/Change myself to fit in, be liked, appease others. As if who I am in that moment is not good enough to be accepted by the masses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that who I am in moments is not good enough to be accepted by the masses, so I Altered/Changed into another character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to second guess myself (as in not accepting self), which opens the door to more thoughts/feeling/emotions to emerge within me and presuming that others will not like what I wear, the way I look, act, speak and so on and so forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel the need to Alter/Change my appearance, behavior, ways and actions, not realizing this was character building at its finest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that character building was a “good” thing or something one must do to “stay ahead of the curve” so to speak. Well, in this society of dis-honesty it is to and extent, meaning if I accepted myself as who I am and take responsibility for what I have become and realize what I have accepted and allowed then I will understand that the “curve” has always been a straight line and within my mind eye I created this “curve” through Altering/Changing myself from who I really am to who others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as who I am and take responsibility for what I have become and realize what I have accepted and allowed and then I will understand that the “curve” has always been a straight line and within my mind eye I created this “curve” through Altering/Changing myself from who I really am to who others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Alter/Change myself from who I really am to who others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always believe that at times throughout my life I needed to re-invent myself so to speak where I would get “tired” of /with the character I was portraying and assumed that others was to. Sort of a “wore out my welcome” type thing (per se), where I would “change scenes” (different groups of people) and create/Alter/Change out of one character into the next and feeling as if I started fresh and left all the “bad” (the way people knew me to be) behind me, not realizing this only lasted so long until the past would catch up with me every time, then I would run off again, looking, searching, seeking to re-invent myself, Alter/Change who I was in past moments.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize this only lasted so long until the past would catch up with me every time, then I would run off again, looking, searching, seeking to re-invent myself, Alter/Change who I was in past moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate abuse onto myself without realizing that I would eventually have to face myself for what I had accepted and allowed myself to be/become in my world and reality.

When and as I see myself Altering/Changing myself to fit in, be liked, appease others. As if who I am in that moment is not good enough to be accepted by the masses, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I shouldn’t have to change myself to fit in, be liked, appease others and that I need to accept myself as who I am and if others are not as accepting that’s ok and to correct myself from who /what I have become to who I am as life and live these corrections which is the key to self-acceptance.

I commit myself to no longer think/perceive/believe that I need to Alter/Change who I am from the perspective of what others think about me but instead to Change/Correct what I have become to who I am as life and live the corrections.

When and as I see myself believing that I need to re-invent myself so to speak where I would get “tired” of/with the character I was portraying and assuming that others was to, where I would “change scenes” (different groups of people) and create/Alter/Change out of one character into the next and feeling as if I started fresh and left the “bad” (the way people knew me to be) behind me, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I have created and illusion of a reality and believing it to be real where I can fuck up, run away from the fuck up, hide and create the same insane self again and get away with it without facing any consequences. It doesn’t happen that way. So who am I to delude myself into thinking that it does? This is the nature of what I had become. Correction

I commit myself to stop running away from my fuck ups, but to instead face them, correct my application and live a sane life without character building or creation but instead to re-create myself to who I am as life and not within the realm of who/what other think I should be.

I commit myself to no longer perpetuate abuse onto myself by Altering/Changing myself as in swopping one character out for another, but instead to forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these character and no longer abuse my body by going in and out of characters.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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