Day 122: Anywhere

AnywhereWhere ever you are, where ever you go, whatever you do, I realized that my process can and must be applied within every moment the same as if you were in the confines of you own home. If not my process becomes that much harder from the perspective of creating more consequences for myself and taking on more system/points that I will inevitably have to walk through and transcend.

I have been one who has always abdicated my responsibility as in running away from them and thinking I needed or deserved a break from myself (That’s bullshit). What happens is I would get to a point in whatever I was doing and tell myself; “You’re doing good so it won’t hurt to slow down or stop for a why’ll, you deserve it” and then answer myself with; “Yeah your right, I probably do need a break” not realizing that the “Probably” part was/is the “Problem”. What it boils down to is I ended up wondering how and why things in my life continued to be messed up and not taking into consideration that I was/is the creator of the mess that “I” made.

Self-honestly speaking when I started my process I was scared to go home and face myself, so I would stay out for extra lengths of time until the “AM” at times and when I mustered up enough nerve to finally go home, I would take the scenic route. Back then this process really scared me, I mean to the point where I would shake at times until I realized and told myself; “What the hell are you scared of?” I then found that it was resistance that I had built up within myself as a defense mechanism to never change who I was and had become.

When looking at the point of “Anywhere” at times throughout my process I have had to go and be places away from home for days at a time and what would happen is I found myself falling back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors and pushing my process aside for the most part. In doing so I experienced pain within my body and had to play “catch up” once I got back home which is like starting back over from scratch and is not something that I particularly liked experiencing. So here I am again away from home with a different outlook on how I am, will and must remain focused on my process no matter where I’m at. Anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always abdicated my responsibility as in running away from them and thinking I needed or deserved a break from myself (That’s bullshit).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to a point in whatever I was doing and tell myself; “You’re doing good so it won’t hurt to slow down or stop for a why’ll, you deserve it” and then answer myself with; “Yeah you’re right, I probably do need a break” not realizing that the “Probably part was/is the “Problem” because if I was “doing good”, why would I need to slow down or stop for a why’ll?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder how and why things in my life continued to be messed up and not taking into consideration that I was/is the creator of the mess that I made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I started this process I was scared to go home and face myself, so I would stay out for extra lengths of time until the “AM” at times and when I mustered up enough nerve to finally go home, I would take the scenic route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared to go home and face myself when I started my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared to the point where I would shake at times until I realized and told myself; “What are you scared of?” I then found that it was resistance that I had built up within myself as a defense mechanism to never change who I was and had become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up within myself resistance as a defense mechanism to never change who I was and had become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times throughout my process whenever I had to go places away from home for days at a time, I found myself falling back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors and pushing my process aside for the most part. In doing so I experienced pain within my body and had to play “catch up” once I got back home which is like starting back over from scratch and is not something that I particularly liked experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors and push my process aside whenever I was away from home for days at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in doing so inflict and experience pain on/within my body and had to play “catch up” once I got back home which is like starting back over from scratch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inflict/experience pain on/within my body for falling back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors.

When and as I see myself abdicating my responsibility as in running away from them and thinking I need or deserve a break from myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that there is no way you can take a break from yourself and that I am deluding myself in “trying” to.

I commit myself to no longer delude myself in thinking I need or deserve a break from myself but to instead take responsibility for what I have become.

When and as I see myself getting to a point in whatever I was doing and telling myself; “You’re doing good so it won’t hurt to slow down or stop for a why’ll, you deserve it” and answering myself with; “Yeah you’re right, I probably do need a break”, I stop and breathe as I realize that I am messing with myself and if I’m “doing good” why would I need to slow down or stop for a why’ll?

I commit myself to remaining stable and focus on whatever I am doing mainly my process and no longer accept and allow the voices in my head to sway me into slowing down or stopping for a why’ll but instead to stop the voices in my head through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application when and as I am bombarded with these voices.

When and as I see myself being scared to go home and face myself, so I would stay out for extra lengths of time until the “AM” at times and when I mustered up enough nerve to finally go home, I would take the scenic route, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I have built up within myself resistance as a defense mechanism to never change who I was and had become.

I commit myself to at the most profound moment of resistance to walkthrough it so that I no longer plague myself with whatever point I am resisting taking responsibility for but to instead take responsibility for correcting that point within myself.

When and as I go places away from home for days at a time and I found myself falling back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors and pushing my process aside for the most part and in doing so I experience pain within my body and having to play “catch up” once I got home which is like starting back over from scratch, I stop and breath. I realize that I should be able to go “Anywhere”, and my process should be the same where ever I’m at, as in remaining vigilant in sticking to the commitment that I have made to/for myself.

I commit myself to remaining vigilant in sticking to the commitment that I have made to/for myself instead pushing my process aside. Within that I commit myself to no longer inflict pain onto my body by going back into my old ways/patterns/habits/behaviors but instead when I see that I am attempting to repeat my past I stop and breathe, apply forgiveness and re-stabilize myself continuing with my process.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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