Day 120: Just another Day

just-another-dayThis post is in reference to birthdays from the perspective of how I have viewed birthdays as some special day which for the most part it is, being that it’s the day we come into this world, but the point I will be focusing on is how I have participated in my mind of thoughts/feeling/emotions in the days leading up to, the day of and the day after my birthday as in what thoughts came up and my reactions.

Throughout my life whenever I had a birthday coming up I would be excited with anticipation and couldn’t wait until that day came. This is because I had a day all about me and nobody else, sort of a “my moment in the sun” type thing where I would have all of these expectation on will I have a birthday party and who’s coming and what gifts will they bring , what will I get etc. The thing was if I didn’t get what I expected then I would be sad, only for a moment though because I would soon forget and get busy playing with whatever I got from everyone else. During that day everyone would be so nice to me and “serve me” whatever I wanted and this made me happy and I always wondered; “Why can’t everyday be like this one”. Of course back then things were less complicated then they would become.

This would obviously die down as I grew older and things started to become more complicated. I went from having expectations to hoping that people would remember my birthday and at that time I would tell everyone that my birthday was coming, although it really didn’t matter because I was on my own away from home and found out that people had their own things to do which was understandable for the most part, although I still received “Happy Birthday” phone calls”, but whatever happen to the good ole days? Right! They’re long gone.

What I then soon found myself doing was judging other as in categorizing them by those who called and said happy birthday and those who didn’t, it’s not like I stop talking to them or was even mad at them or something, No, this became internal, meaning I accepted and allowed Backchat to come up and exist within and as me about why I perceived they didn’t call on my birthday and when I would ask some of them, that’s when I realized how “wrong” I was for accepting and allowing this Backchat to come up in my mind about them. This is a pattern that I had been following but don’t participate in as such any longer. For some time now I have changed my perspective on birthdays where to me now they are Just another Day. (Although I do accept Happy Birthdays)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having participated in my mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions in the days leading up to, the day of and the day after my birthday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I had a birthday coming up I would be excited with anticipation and couldn’t wait until that day came.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have all of these expectations on will I have a birthday party and who’s coming and what gifts will they bring, what will I get etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy the day of my birthday because everyone would be so nice to me and “serve me” whatever I wanted and I always wondered, “Why can’t everyday be like this one”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go from having expectations to hoping that people would remember my birthday and at that time I would tell everyone that my birthday was coming, although it really didn’t matter because I was on my own away from home and found out that people had their own things to do which was understandable for the most part, although I still received “Happy Birthday” phone calls.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others as in categorizing them by those who called and said happy birthday and those who didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Backchat to come up and exist within and as me about why I perceived they didn’t call on my birthday and when I would ask some of them, that’s when I realized how “wrong”
I was for accepting and allowing this Backchat to come up in my mind about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Backchat “Why didn’t they wish me a happy birthday?” to exist within and as me, instead of realizing they might have been busy and/or forgot that it was my birthday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my assumptions to get the best of me in which I accepted and allowed backchat to exist within me, instead of taking responsibility for myself and finding out the reason behind it all, but instead project blame onto/towards other off of the preconceived idea I had about why they didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

When and as I see myself participating in my mind of thoughts/feeling/emotions in the days leading up to, the day of and the day after my birthday, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that I am accepting and allowing my birthday to become a distraction instead of being present in those moments and focusing on what I am doing at the time.

I commit myself to no longer go into my mind of thoughts/feeling/emotions in the days leading up to, the day of and the day after my birthday, but instead to continue doing what I am doing in those moments.

When and as I see myself becoming excited with anticipation and can’t wait until that day comes, I stop and breathe and realize that it’s Just another Day.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to react with emotions and feeling because of my birthday is coming, but to instead to calm myself as that day will come and go.

When and as I see myself having all these expectations about my birthday, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that having expectations lead to internal conflict and the emotion of becoming let down where I build myself up and react when things are not as I expected.

I commit myself to no longer expect things to be or go the way I wanted, as I see/realize/understand that this leads to being let down but to instead remain stable in continuing walking my process.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing the Backchat “Why didn’t they wish me a happy birthday?” to exist within and as me, instead of realizing they might be busy and/or forgot it was my birthday, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am jumping to conclusion instead of taking responsibility for myself and finding out the actual reason.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to jump to conclusions. I commit myself to no longer come up with these preconceived ideas about what I think why others do thing. I commit myself to taking responsibility for my actions and correcting myself when and as I find myself going into my mind and no longer separate myself from others in judgment or by placing myself on a platform of some kind as in saying others need to do this or that.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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