Day 109: Read IN-to It

read-into-itThings that others do, say, the way someone looks at you and smile or frown, what we randomly hear in other peoples conversation, the way someone dresses, their hairstyle, their walk, mannerism, posture etc., we tend to Read IN-to it, to a point of thinking/perceiving/believing that things are being directed towards us or means something that it don’t and nine (9) times out of ten (10) our assumptions are wrong, but we still follow the “wanting to believe” that we’re right character/“syndrome” (so to speak), that is until we get that wakeup call and fine out that it was something totally different (180 degree) from what we perceived it to be. And at that point we react to either not getting it right where self-judgment sets in as “why did I think that for” or anger where we get angry when we find out that we are wrong and start telling ourselves and believing that we were right and the person is/was trying to hide the fact that we’re right, which is insanity.

I have a tendency to Read IN-to it, meaning I would go around thinking that everything is directed towards me in either a “good” or “bad” way where I would try to “connect the dots” (per se) and swear up and down that I was correct, but in fact I can say almost every single time I was wrong. What would happen (in the “bad” sense) is that a thought would come up about what I perceived that someone said or was doing to be against me and I would play it out in my mind to the point of making myself angry and having this nervous energy coming up within and as me, as if something bad was about to happen which never did and being down on myself when it didn’t. What would happen (in the “good” sense) is, let’s say I’m someplace and someone in that place smiles at me or say hi just being friendly and I start to Read IN-to it as in thinking “hey maybe that person likes me” and I start to feel a certain way and in the end find out that they were just being nice, at that point I start reacting internally as in saying; “why did I think that for” and start to judge myself for thinking that way, instead of seeing it for what if was, just a nice gesture from that person. So within this what I failed to see/realize/understand is that by Reading IN-to It, is like playing with fire so to speak where each and every time I touch on (Read IN-to It) any subject, movement, action or word from another person, I burn/abuse myself with reactions. It’s like I’m begging myself to think something so I can feed my mind with flesh. Sounds horrific, meaning that it is when looking at it from this stand point. So to stop myself whenever I “feel” the need to Read IN-to It, I apply Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Read IN-to it by going around thinking that everything is directed towards me in either a “good” or “bad” way where I would try to “connect the dots” (per se) and swear up and down that I was correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a thought to come up about what I perceived that someone said or was doing to be against me and I would play it out in my mind to the point of making myself angry and having this nervous energy coming up within and as me, as if something bad was about to happen which never did and being down on myself when it didn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself angry and have this nervous energy coming up within and as me as if something bad was going to happen when I perceived what someone said or was doing to be against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am someplace and someone in that place smiles at me or say hi just being friendly, I start to Read IN-to It, as in thinking “hey maybe that person likes me” and I start to feel a certain way and in the end find out that they were just being nice and I started to react internally as in saying; “why did I think that for” and start to judge myself for thinking that way, instead of seeing it for what it was, just a nice gesture from a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react internally as In saying; “why did I think that for” and start to judge myself for thinking that way.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see it for what it was, just a nice gesture from a person and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for/seek attention from others and take things out of context.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by Reading IN-to It, is like playing with fire so to speak where each and every time I touch on (Read IN-to It) any subject, movement, action or word from another person, I burn/abuse myself with reactions. It’s like I’m begging myself to think something so I can feed my mind with flesh.

When and as I see myself wanting to Read IN-to It by going around thinking that everything is directed towards me in either a “good” or “bad” way where I would try to “connect the dots” (per se) and swear up and down that I was correct, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am doing is all speculation which will cause me to react when I find out that my speculations was incorrect.

I commit myself to no longer speculating about things that others do but instead let them do what they do as they have their own process and I have mind.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing a thought to come up about what I perceive that someone said or was doing to be against me and I would play it out in my mind to the point of making myself angry and having this nervous energy coming up within and as me as if something bad was about to happen, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am making this shit up as I go along and playing a mind game with myself which ends in my body paying the prize for the game that I entered.

I commit myself to stopping myself from falling into and playing mind games with myself, but instead to listen to what my body is trying to show and tell me.

When and as I am in someplace and someone in that place smiles at me or say hi just being friendly and I start to Read IN-to it as in thinking “hey maybe that person likes me” and start to feel a certain way and in the end find out that they were just being nice and I start to react internally as in saying; “why did I think that for” and start judging myself for thinking that way instead of seeing it for what it was, just a nice gesture, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am looking/searching/seeking for attention from others an jumping on the first interaction that I receive from another which is not cool from the perspective of going overboard with emotions and that I need to become more self-intimate with myself.

I commit myself to accepting smiles and hello’s that come from others unconditionally and returning the gesture’s unconditionally with no expectations as in going overboard with emotions but to keep things into perspective.

I commit myself to becoming more self-intimate with myself.

When and as I see myself Reading IN-to It, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this is like playing with fire so to speak where each and every time I touch on (Read IN-to It) any subject, movement, action or word from another person, I burn/abuse myself with reactions. It’s like I’m begging myself to think something so I can feed my mind with flesh.

I commit myself to no longer Read IN-to it, but instead to breathe IN-to it (The moment), stand and remain stable Here.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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