Day 93: Blackout

In this post I will be investigating Blacking out from the perspective of not being present when we are in the process of doing things and how throughout my life, I have been in a Blackout away from Reality/Here/Present in moments of doing things and whenever I would come back to (out of my mind), for however long I was out, would be a moment that I didn’t allow myself to remember or did I?

BlackoutWe often antiquate Blacking out with doing too much or lack of something such as; (i.e.) drugs, alcohol, sleep deprivation or the intake of a chemical substance which are all viable reasons and could cause one to Blackout, but what is not seen/realized/understood is the fact that the moments leading up to the apparent Blackout goes missing, so in all actuality we Blackout before we Blackout. Makes sense to me because we don’t allow ourselves to recall the actual moment we slipped into the state of Blackout. What it is as the root cause is being completely preoccupied in our minds, and thus losing all awareness of what we are doing or attempting to do, but what’s interesting is that our body continues to be aware and keep on doing what it is that we are doing and when we come back (Here) we are shocked at what just happened and how is this possible. Not realizing that we (hypothetically speaking) had just left the “Consolidated Movie Theater” in our mind where we became part of a memorized scene from our past, re-created the scene and replayed it, putting ourselves in as the apparent “winner” and/or as the one coming out on top in a “what I would have or should have done” re-creation in that situation and/or scene. So in that aspect we are constantly/continuously living in a Blackout day in and day out.

I was riding my bicycle someplace and during the ride I experienced a Blackout period where I went into my mind and began to replay certain scenes from a movie that I previously watched as if I was inside the actual movie scene itself and when I finally snapped out of it, I realized that I was that much further down the road and didn’t allow myself to remember until after, at what point did I slip into the Blackout because that period of time and the outdoor scenery went missing and so was I. At That point after backtracking what had just taken place, I realized what a Blackout actually was and how I induced it upon myself where I didn’t allow myself to account for that period of time but my body remained present.

Another time in my life that I experienced a Blackout was when I was still involved in the party scene and would stay up for an extended period of time to where I had woke up some place a wondered how the hell I got there and didn’t allow myself to account for the missing time and of course that was because I was sleep deprived from my indulgent nature. The point being, those times was dually noted, but what about all the other times throughout our day and throughout our life that goes un-noted and over looked as a normal occurrence. How do we stop Blackouts?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Blackout from the perspective of not being present when I am in the process of doing things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been throughout my life in a Blackout away from Reality/Here/Present in moments of doing things and whenever I would come back to (out of my mind), for however long I was out, would be a moment that I didn’t allow myself to remember.

I forgive myself that haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the fact that the moments leading up to the Blackout goes missing, so in all actuality I Blackout before I Blackout.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to recall the actual moment I slipped into the state of Blackout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely preoccupied in my mind, and thus lose all awareness of what I was doing and not realize what’s interesting is that the body continues to be aware and keep on doing what it is that I was doing and when I came back (Here), I was shocked at what just happened and how is this possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become part of a memorized scene from my past, re-created the scene and replayed it, putting myself in as the apparent “winner” and/or as the one coming out on top in a “what I would have or should have done” re-creation in that situation and/or scene.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly/continuously live in a Blackout day in and day out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a Blackout when I was riding my bicycle where I went into my mind and began to replay certain scenes from a movie that I previously watched as if I was inside the actual movie scene itself and didn’t allow myself to remember until I snapped out of it and was that much further down the road, at what point did I slip into the Blackout because that period of time and the outdoor scenery went missing and so was I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after backtracking what had just taken place realize what a Blackout actually was and how I induced it upon myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay up for an extended period of time to where I had woke up some place a wondered how the hell I got there and didn’t allow myself to account for the missing period of time.

When and as I see myself going into my mind to the point of experiencing a Blackout, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to be completely preoccupied and thus I am away from Reality/Here/Present.

I commit myself to remaining Here/Present with breath in every moment that I am doing things and when and as a thought come up I stop it immediately.

When and as I see myself not allowing myself to recall the actual moment I slipped into the state of Blackout, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have not been Here/Present but stuck in my mind where I became part of a memorized scene from my past, re-created the scene and replayed it putting myself in as the apparent “winner” and/or as the one coming out on top in a “what I would have or should done” re-creation in that situation and/or scene.

I commit myself to re-creating myself as in stopping my participation in my mind of thoughts and memories and directing myself in every moment when I am doing things.

When and as I see myself being completely preoccupied in my mind and thus lose all awareness of what I am doing and when I come back (Here), become shocked at what just happened and how is this possible, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is an automated pattern that I have programmed within myself that will take time and reprograming myself to change.

I commit myself to stopping this pattern and reprograming myself to remaining in touch with myself, my world and reality so as to re-create this world into what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself going into my mind when I am riding my bicycle, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so I am missing out on what’s in front of me and will thus induce a Blackout upon myself which is for the most part kind of dangerous and could be harm to my physical body.

I commit myself to remaining Here/Present focused on riding my bike and enjoying the scenery and what comes up in my immediate environment.

I commit myself to no longer staying up for extended periods of time but instead, I will stay aware and continue to listen to what my body needs and require.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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