Day 87: Replay

ReplayI was listening to the radio the other day on a music station where throughout the day they replayed a block of songs over and over and over again and every now and then they would throw a different song in the mix then go back to replaying the same selected block of songs. What came up is how this is somewhat of the same format that our minds use (if not the exact) in replaying things over and over and over again in our head, where we allow the same block of most reactive thoughts to replay themselves over and over and over again in our minds to no end, that is until we decide to stop them.

It’s like being in a real life carnival game where you walk one way and someone (the mind) shoots a bullet (a thought) in front of you which makes you turn around and go the other way, then take a few step and the (mind) shoots (a thought) in front of you again and you turn back around and go back the other way again, continuing this same process over and over and over again throughout our entire lives. By this, it is plain to see that we have never been directing ourselves but always have been directed by someone or something (some force) outside of ourselves. (The mind)

But I want to talk about how I’ve follow this pattern in listening to and/or hearing others conversation and replaying it over in my mind later on from the perspective of placing myself in the conversation, answering questions as a third party, mimicking what was said and trying to figure something out in relation to the conversation that had nothing to do with me. I was just “listening”. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t and interesting conversation, it was a normal random conversation. I call this point “mind boredom” almost like a day dream where I accept and allow my mind to grasp on to any ole thing to where I see it I replay it/mimic it/act it out and by the time I catch myself it’s too late, the damage was already done (per se). Meaning once again I’ve allowed myself to be directed by my mind, not realizing that each time I let this happen it becomes harder and harder for me to direct myself, so my mind “runs amuck”.

Where did this come from? When I was a child there were things we couldn’t do as well as words that we couldn’t say. I remember being in the car alone waiting to go somewhere and I heard someone talking as they walked passed, shortly after I replayed what they said in my mind and then said it out loud with the same tonality that they used. From then on things that I heard, I would replay in my mind and say it out loud, mimicking the tonality in which it was said. Another example is when I was in high school in history class we were taking a test and I thought about a diaper commercial that I had either saw or heard and “uncontrollably” said the jingle (Huggie, Huggie, Huggies) out loud in the same tonality as the commercial and then said “Oops”. Everyone heard me and started laughing.

The point is, by that time I was so use to replaying things over in my mind that it became sort of an uncontrollable reactive “force of nature” for me to just spurt things out and say them at the “wrong” times, which sometimes affected the way I communicated with others. This got to the point of making noises for no reason out the blue. And now I know how that came about. Wow.

As a replay; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay things over and over and over again in my head, where I would allow the same block of most reactive thoughts to replay themselves over and over and over again in my mind to no end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each time my mind would put a thought in front of me I would stop my here-ness and turn around and follow the thought, over and over and over again throughout my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never been directing myself but always have been directed by someone or something (some force) outside of myself. (The mind)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow this pattern of listening to and/or hearing others conversation and replaying it over in my mind later on from the perspective of placing myself in the conversation, answering questions as a third party, mimicking what was said and trying to figure something out in relation to the conversation that had nothing to do with me. I was just “listening”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to grasp on to any ole thing to where I see it I replay it/mimic it/ act it out and by the time I catch myself it’s too late the damage was already done (per se).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each time I let this happen it becomes harder and harder for me to direct myself and let my mind “run amuck”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay in my mind and then say out loud with the same tonality what someone said when they walked pass the car that I was in when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in high school in history class while taking a test, I was think about a diaper commercial that I had either saw or heard and “uncontrollably” said the jingle (Huggie, Huggie, Huggies) out loud in the same tonality as the commercial and then say “Oops”.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so use to replaying things over in my mind that It became sort of an uncontrollable reactive “force of nature” for me to spurt things out and say them at the “wrong” times, which sometimes affected the way I communicated with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let it get to the point of making noises for no reason, out the blue and not realize until now the reason why I was doing this.

When and as I see myself replaying things over and over and over again in my head, where I would allow the same block of most reactive thoughts to replay themselves over and over and over again in my mind to no end, I stop and breathe. I realize that each time I let this happen it becomes harder and harder for me to direct myself and let my mind “run amuck”.

I commit myself to pausing then stopping the replay by investigating the source cause and stopping my mind from directing me and to direct myself in every moment.

When and as I see my mind putting a thought in front of me to stop my here-ness and I turn around and follow the thought, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I am not directing myself but on the verge of being directed.

I commit myself to remaining here with breath in every moment so that I am able to see the mind trying to implement its attractive tactics and stop it.

When and as I see myself following this pattern of listening to and/or hearing others conversation and replaying it over in my mind later on from the perspective of placing myself in the conversation, answering question as a third party, mimicking what was said and trying to figure something out in relation to the conversation that had nothing to do with me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in “mind boredom” which is like a day dream that comes when I am allowing my mind to stop me from being here.

I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to assist and support myself to continue in my continuous process of stopping my mind and keeping myself busy so the “mind boredom” (day dreaming) doesn’t keep re-accruing but subside.

When and as I see myself “uncontrollably” wanting to mimic/replay/say things that I either saw or heard in the same tonality that I heard it or just saying it in itself, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is an embedded pattern that I am attempting to follow that I have inflicted onto myself at a young age and if I subject myself (give in) to it, I will be prolonging my process.

I commit myself to living my self-corrective and self-commitment statement for this point and transcending this point/pattern once and for all.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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