Day 83: Shadow Boxing

In this post I will be having a look at how I have been fighting with myself throughout my life and at what point did I decide enough is enough. Broken down in 12 rounds of internal conflict/friction in which my life had literally become a Shadow Boxing match.

shadow-boxingRound 1) Coming into this world, the first moment of conflict with myself that I can remember is between the ages of five (5) and ten (10) where I thought I was different from the perspective of thinking; “What the hell am I doing here”. For some reason it just didn’t feel right. So I started questioning myself as to who am I way back then. This spawned the internal conflict/friction (Shadow Boxing match) that I would play out throughout my life.

Round 2) Coming of age was one of the most intensifying points of my life, where I started to meet other people and compare my life to theirs in wondering, how and why they was able to do things that I wasn’t, from the perspective of them being able participating in school functions such as sports, parties and holidays. I beat myself up about it trying to figure it out, in pondering how this was possible for them and not me, but yet and still I didn’t ask any question. I just went along with whatever I was told.

Round 3) Between my Junior and Senior year of high school things changed from the perspective of misaligning ourselves from the belief system that I had grown up in, learned to believe in and followed to the point of now being able to do the things that everyone else was doing. This opened up a fresh can of worms so to speak. Meaning, now I was conflicted and fighting with myself as to why only after now I perceived my whole life as being over, (I was only 18) did I really have to go through that and thinking; “I could have did this or that” and “I would have been this or that”. The Shadow Boxing match was just getting started.

Round 4) I then left home and found myself 4000 mile away from home and this is where the “games” began from the perspective of learning, seeing and doing new thing for the first time in my life which opened up a new form of thinking that I hadn’t considered before of my wants/needs/desires in which I became conflicted as to what I wanted, believing that I needed and the desire to try any and everything at least once. This is also when I started to realize and believe that the internal conversations that I was having in my mind was a “good” reference as to justify to myself, if what I was doing was “right”. Boy was I “wrong”. What sprung up was indecisiveness, not being able to choose one thing and sticking with it. I got stuck between should I or shouldn’t I and what if’s and when I made the “wrong” choice, I beat myself up about it.

Round 5) At this point in my life I wanted to be more than I was from the perspective of looking at other peoples lifestyles, wanting and trying to mimic it and so came my realization in character creation. I took certain things from people as in their ways and mannerism and made them mine, not considering two (2) things; Firstly, that I would lose myself even more than I was already lost, in creating a character and secondly, that I would lose touch with reality from the perspective of believing that I was this character, which is the ultimate extreme in being a “conflict of interest” in finding out who am I.

Round 6) Becoming and maintaining the role in playing these character was a fight within itself where whenever I stepped out of character (so to speak), a mirage of thoughts would come up within and as me wondering what other people think about me and “are they talking bad about me”? Then coming up with different ways to “clean up” my slip up by creating another character to try and snap myself back into the first character role that I had created.

Round 7) I formed a group which added a world of conflict-cation (complication) to the internal turmoil that I was already going through. Not only did I Shadow Box with myself but now with a number of other minds as well which brings a new meaning to the phrase; “7th ending stretch”. In my case it’s the “7th round”.

Round 8) I sort of became use to Shadow Boxing myself to where anytime a point of reason and/or self-realization came up I would knock it back down, time and time again. I was now getting worn out and unconsciously functioning, thinking that I was living life, until.

Round 9) I became comfortable with who I thought I was and knocked myself down thinking/perceiving/believing that I can trust myself as the character that I was and at this point everything started to slowly slip away from the perspective of not paying attention to those that was closest to me where because I was a manipulative person I didn’t see how, I was being manipulated and would eventually wake up until it was too late. Things started to happen rapidly and suddenly to where I thought that it was only by chance. It wasn’t it was by design. Not realizing that I was the designer. This opened up the point of confusion where I became confused as to why this was happening to me and what did I do to deserve this.

Round 10) I had lost everything from the perspective of failed relationship, my status and almost all of my material possession and would wake up in the mornings wondering; “Where the hell am I” and “How did I let this happen”. I never been one to get depressed, but with what had just happened, I momentarily became depressed which opened up another set of emotional energetic reactions within me. At that time I began going out heavy and meeting new people and hanging with new groups of people and partying hardcore until I got to the point of, one night I was out at and afterhours party and was standing there alone and realized that I was alone and said to myself; “I can’t do this anymore” and left, but that wasn’t the end of the match, it just insinuated my mind going into overdrive. Something had to give.

Round 11) I needed to know what was really going on in life, what was real and what wasn’t, where I was headed and how was I going to get there because at this point I was tired of fighting myself and the internal conflict that I was putting myself through. So I sat myself down and told myself that I will not make another move until I find out what was real. Of course the fighting continued because I still had no idea how to stop my mind and if it was possible until sometime later when I discovered how to and started my Journey To Life.

Round 12) I see/realize/understand that I thought that, I have been living a lie and blinding myself from ever seeing the truth throughout my life, to the point of being lost within myself and not realizing that the very thing that I was fighting is the truth of who I am as life, staring me right in the face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself throughout my life to the point of my life becoming a Shadow Boxing match.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was different from the perspective of thinking; “What the hell am I doing here” when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I chose to be here and that I am the same as everyone else.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize who I am and why I chose to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my life with the lives of others wondering why they we’re able to participate in school functions, parties and holiday and I wasn’t, when I became of age.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask questions as to why this was possible, but just go along with whatever I was told.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight with myself as to why after 18 years of being a part of a belief system, all of a sudden things just changed and stated; “I could have did this or that” and “I could have been this or that”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict within myself about my wants/needs/desires in not knowing what I wanted, perceiving that I needed things and/or what I desired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the internal conversations that I was having in my mind was a “good” reference as to justify to myself, if what I was doing was “right”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become indecisive to the point of not being able to choose one thing and stick with it and getting stuck between should I or shouldn’t I and what if’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to if I made the “wrong decision, I would beat myself up about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and try and mimic other peoples lifestyle to where I took their ways and mannerisms and made them mine, not considering that I would lose myself even more than I was already lost within the character I created and believing that I was that character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a mirage of thoughts to come up within and as me whenever I stepped out of character (so to speak) wondering what others thought about me and if they we’re talking bad about me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with different way to try and clean up my slip up by creating another character to try and snap myself back into the first character role that I had created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was going through internal turmoil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to knock down whenever a point of reason and/or self-realization would come up within and as me for me to wake up, time and time again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable with who I thought I was and knock myself down thinking/perceiving/believing that I can trust myself as the character that I was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design my downfall and become confused as to why this was happening to me and what did I do to deserve this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically with the emotion of being depressed when I believed that I had lost everything from the perspective of failed relationships, my status, and almost all of my material possessions.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that, I have been living a lie and blinding myself from seeing the truth throughout my life, to the point of being lost within myself and that the very thing that I was fighting is the truth of who I am as life, staring me in the face.

When and as I see myself fighting with myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that by fighting with myself I am trying to run away from having to face who I have become and thus I end up blinding myself from seeing the truth of who I am as life.

I commit myself to facing what I have become and stopping the internal conflict/friction and turmoil that is existence within and as me and no longer Shadow Box with myself but instead do introspection to get to the root of the cause of the internal conflict/friction and turmoil which is my accepting and allowing my mind to direct me in my day to day living and take back my directive principle.

When and as I see myself reacting energetically with an emotion of depression, I stop and breathe. I realize that by reacting with the emotion of depression I am trying to excuse the fact that I don’t want to take responsibility for the life that I have designed and created for myself to walk through so that I may realize who I have become and change it to who I am as life.

I commit myself to walking through this life that I have created for myself and taking responsibility for who I have become and changing who I have become to who I am as life and re-birthing myself as life from the physical.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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