Day 80: What Does “It” All Mean?

What-is-it-all-aboutI have been walking my process for a short period of time now and the question I ask myself is; “What does “it” all mean”? So in this post I will be going through what my process means from before to now.

Before I embarked on this journey, my life was “one for the record books”. Meaning you can say I’ve done almost everything that I wanted to do and been almost everywhere that I want to be, too and extent and for the most part, I enjoyed it, or (did I). Let’s see, although I pretty much did what I wanted to, I was miserable inside. I had to be motivated to do anything and my motivation was wanting/needing/desiring money, sex, drugs and doing music to where if I didn’t have any one of the four, I would sleep my life away. This was the only things that mattered in my life except my “so called” friends and I say “so called” because, where are they now. I didn’t care for anyone who was outside of my family/group. I saw nature, the animal kingdom and any other form of life as being inferior to me. I disregarded my body. I manipulated people and the situations to get what I wanted. I believed in a higher power. I took things out on everyone around me and blamed them for everything that I was going through etc. When it came to understanding me, I thought I had “it” all figured out. I didn’t. So, what does “It” all mean?

• “It”; is the misery that I inflicted upon myself, not realizing why and how I was doing this to myself.

• “It”; is thinking/perceiving/believing that I want/need/desire money, sex, drugs and/or doing music to motivate me to doing something, not realizing that I was subject to and in service of chasing energy.

• “It”; is believing that I need friends in order to be and remain the person I was in maintaining my status and perception in the eyes of others, not realizing that once my status was gone and I lost everything my friend wouldn’t be there any longer which insinuate the label; “so called”.

• “It”; is not caring for anyone outside of my family/group and not realizing that in doing so I am separating myself from the whole of humanity as family which is in fact “me”.

• “It”; is the abuse that is perpetuated against nature, the animal kingdom and any other form of life that I saw as being inferior to me, not realizing that I was looking down on and was participating in the abuse of life as well.

• “It”; is whenever I disregard my body by not watching what I put in it, by putting my body in compromising situations of abuse and wanting to leave my body at some point and go somewhere out there, Not realizing that my physical body is what matters as life and in order for me to obtain everlasting life, I must first rebirth myself as life from physical.

• “It”; is trying to justify spite within the manipulating of others and the situation to get what I wanted, claiming that to be the normal way of doing thing and all that I know, Not realizing that I forgot who I am, how and why I have placed myself here on earth and for what reason and this process being the journey to life in search for who I am as life.

• “It”; is believing that some higher power is going to come and save me so I won’t have to take responsibility for this, what I have created/manifested myself, my world and reality to be/become, not realizing that that’s not going to happen and I am responsible, must and will take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.

• “It”; is not understanding my mind (how it works), and so taking things out on others around me in blaming them for my reactions when and as I can’t comprehend as to why something has or is happening in my world and reality, instead of stopping myself and taking a breath in the moment the situation occur as to get a clear view of the situation so that I am able to direct it to the best possible outcome, that which is best for all life.

So, in asking the question; what does “It” all mean? I only have one answer in re-defining the word it, too; (I TAKE) responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question; what does “it” all mean? Not realizing that I am the “it” in what I have done and what I have become in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I was miserable, not realizing that misery is an emotional state of being and requires my participation for it to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of being miserable and reacting energetically to the word thinking that this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that being miserable exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire money, sex, drugs and doing music as a means to be motivated to do something, thinking that without these things I couldn’t function and not realize that by defining my life according to the aforementioned I am being directed and not directing my life to that which is best for me, my body and for all life which is a form of self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by defining my life as wanting/needing/desiring money, sex, drugs and doing music as a means to cope and/or function in life, I am abusing my body and life in itself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to direct my life to the best possible outcome, that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that status and having friends to back up my status is everything in life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that status and friends comes according to how much material things that you’ve obtained and how much money you have and goes once you lose it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by limiting myself to only caring for my family/group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on and see as inferior nature, the animal kingdom and any other forms of life, not considering that in doing so, I am the cause of the abuse that is being perpetuated on life in all its forms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my body as being temporary and not realize that as long as I remain infused to the mind systems within and as me, I am the one who is temporary and will expire at death.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that in order for me to obtain everlasting life, I must first rebirth myself as life from physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others and the situation to get what I wanted, not realizing that I was attempting to deceive myself and believed in my own deception and thus ended up spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I am, how and why I have placed myself here on earth and for what reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and define myself as having a higher power who is going to come and save me so that I won’t have to take responsibility for this, what I have created/manifested myself, my world and reality to be/become.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and the condition of this world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when I couldn’t comprehend something in my world and reality and take it out on others in blaming them for what I was going through, not seeing or realizing that it was my acceptance and allowance of my mind to control me, come up with options and direct me in my day to day life and living.

When and as I see myself thinking/perceiving/believing that I am miserable, I stop and breathe. I realize that being miserable is and emotional state of being which requires my participation to exist and I am placing myself in this emotional state of being to not have to face myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I commit myself facing myself as to what I have become and changing my participation in emotions to the investigation and correction of myself.

When and as I see myself thinking that I need and outside source to motivate me to do something, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am defining myself as someone who is in need of direction and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by me wants/needs/desires.

I commit myself to directing myself in every way as to what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself thinking that status and having friends to back up my status is everything in life, I stop and breathe. I realize that it isn’t and that I felt that I need status and friends because I wasn’t comfortable with who I was and needed to be validated.

I commit myself to being more self-intimate with myself.

When and as I see myself looking down on as inferior any form of life, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so I am the cause of the abuse being perpetuated on life.

I commit myself to caring for, exposing and stopping the abuse of life when and as I see it being perpetuated in my environment.

When and as I see myself wanting to use manipulation as a means to get what I want, I stop and breathe. I realize that I wanted to take the easy route within not taking others into consideration.

I commit myself to obtaining what I need as a means of survival, by my own sweat and that doesn’t involve the manipulating of others and the situation to get what I want.

When and as I see myself reacting emotionally to what I can’t comprehend in the moment and wanting to take it out on and blame others for my own short coming, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am neglecting to take responsibility for what I don’t understand in the moment and using as an excuse someone being in my presence at that time and taking it out on them.

I commit myself to slowing myself down, breathing and assessing what I can’t comprehend, so that I am able to figure it out.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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