Day 30: What Drives Me?

What-Drives-MeI have been driven by many different things over the years, but all of those things have been self-interest, reward, or fear based. For instant taking religion and going to church. I was driven by fear. The fear of, if I didn’t go to church and become saved something bad would happen to me. What’s strange about that whole situation is, my grandmother once wrote a song and the lyrics were; “Everybody want to go to heaven, but don’t nobody want to die”. My question then became if heaven was as beautiful and peaceful as depicted, why is it that no one wants to die and go? That drive faded when I left home. Then came the drive to survive, which also was fear based and changed after I seen how hard it was to stay afloat, maintain a job and live life, to finding the easiest way to survive. Still it wasn’t for the “greater good” per se. It was self-interest based. What didn’t make sense to me was, how could I possibly have a job, work all my life why’ll in the process get married have a family, take scheduled breaks/holidays and enjoy it. I’ve seen that growing up and it wasn’t something that I saw myself doing.

What drives me? I am driven by the fact that I don’t know who I am and the want to learn who I am, what I have become and how to correct myself to become who I am as life. For the first time in my life I am taking responsibility for myself and it isn’t easy. I know that it’s a process, so I maintain my drive and push through whatever comes up to become who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by many things over the years, all being self-interest, reward or fear based.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by fear. The fear of, if I didn’t go to church and become saved something bad would happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a drive to survive, which also was fear based.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to resort to finding the easiest way to survive, because I didn’t want to follow what I saw as “living life” as I was growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a drive of taking the easy route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am, what I have become and how to correct myself until now.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life take responsibility for myself, but instead I continued to make things harder on myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the by having a self-interest, reward or fear based drive, I am accepting and allowing myself to continue creating myself into what I have become, making it harder to become who I am as life.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having a self-interest, reward or fear based drive, I stop and breathe. I realized that by having a self-interest, reward or fear based drive, I am accepting and allowing myself to continue creating myself into what I have become, making it harder to become who I am as life.

I commit myself to no longer having a self-interest, reward or fear based drive, but instead I will continue to base my drive on learning who I am, what I have become and how to correct myself and become who I am as life.

I commit myself to no longer resort to finding the easiest way to survive, but instead I will maintain my drive to finding out how to live life.

I commit myself to maintaining the drive to learn who I am, what I have become and how to correct myself.

I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself and no longer making things harder on myself.

Advertisements

About carltontedford

In Process.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s