Day 16: Living in Denial

I realized a pattern that I have to want to deny that things are happening without my knowledge. It’s like I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to hear it and it can’t be true. Then deny to myself the thought never crossed my mind; which is a lie. I would hide myself from facing the fact that things are happening without my knowledge. When I was a child I had this thing that I did whenever I didn’t want to hear what was being said were I would cover my ears and make “Blah” noises until they stop talking. Now, I try to bury myself in other thing to take the thought of it being a fact that things happen without my knowledge out of my mind.

I see/realize/understand that by burying myself in other things I am creating more consequences for myself, which would have not been there if I would have face what I am denying head on as it was happening or as I caught wind of it. Denial often comes in the simplest form. I could be by myself and do something stupid/embarrassing and then tell myself, “I didn’t do that”, “That wasn’t me” and believe it. Then go about my merry way and again and again it happens, not taken into consideration the consequences I have to walk through that’s been building up within me throughout my life and the pain I experience linked to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that things are happening without my knowledge and to myself the thought never crossing my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny to myself the thought never crossed my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from facing the fact that things happen without my knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my childhood have a thing that I did whenever I didn’t want to hear what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bury myself in other things to take the thought of it being a fact that things happen without my knowledge out of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a remedy to not have to face the fact.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by burying myself in other things I am creating more consequences for myself, which would have not been there if I would have faced what I am denying head on as it was happening or as I caught wind of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to do something stupid/embarrassing when I am by myself and then tell myself, “I didn’t do that”, “That wasn’t me” and believe it, then go about my merry way and again and again it continue to happen.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration the consequences I have to walk through that’s been building up within me throughout my life and the pain I would experience linked to it.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself denying that things happen without my knowledge and to myself the thought never crossing my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in the denial character is me diluting myself into not believing what is a fact which inhibits me from seeing what happen without my knowledge and thus hinders me from being as effective as I am able to be.

I commit myself to no longer hide myself from facing the fact that things happen without my knowledge, but instead when and as I catch wind of things that is happening without my knowledge I will investigate in the moment and no longer leave it to chance.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself denying what I have done, when I am by myself, I stop and breathe. I realized that denying what I have done when I am by myself creates more consequences for me to have to walk through and these consequences are linked to the pain I experienced. In this I commit myself to no longer denying what I have done when I am by myself, but instead become self-honest and correct myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself burying myself in other things, I stop and breathe.
I realize that by burying myself in other things I am creating more consequences that wouldn’t have been there if I would have faced what I am denying in the moment.

I commit myself to facing what I am in denial of in the moment, and no longer accept and allow myself to live in denial.

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About carltontedford

In Process.
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