Saturday, March 1, 2014
Day 4: “If your head came unscrewed”
There is an old saying that we use to say growing up. “If your head came unscrewed, you would forget where you put it”. That saying, for the most part was true, because I forget/lose everything. There are a lot of examples that I can use.
Let’s start with forgetting where I put my keys as I’m going out the door. I start to search everywhere. Then I get frustrated because I know that I just had them, “I must have just sat them down some place”. “Ok let me backtrack”. “Come on, where are they”. ”F&@K, I’m going to be late”. So after I chase my tale around in circles for a nice period of time and get fed up and angry, I realize that they been in my hand all along.
I laugh it off and then go on with my day. And then use that whole little incident (mind fuck) as a talking point and a joke for later in conversation with others, not seeing/realizing and understanding the extent in which the mind can and will fuck you up. I didn’t see that though. And during the conversation when I bring it up (at a time when I’m just searching for something to say because the attention has been shifted away from me) I say things like, “Oh it just slipped my mind” or “I wasn’t thinking”, but in fact. My mind knows exactly what it is doing, by showing me the nature in which I have given away my power to my mind, by me “sitting upstairs with my feet up, in that room in my head in a rocking chair with a big pitcher of kool aid watching TV”, so to speak, while my mind runs the show. All that I was doing was thinking.
Another example of my forgetfulness is when I am looking for something “important” and the first thing that comes up in my mind is, “somebody took it” and whoever was the last person at my place must have taken it. And here I go again swearing up and down that,” yeah they took it, they had to take it because I put it right here, and nobody else was in here because, I would have known”. It could have been weeks since anyone stopped by, but sure enough it had to be the last person who was there who took it. Then I start having a full conversation with that person in my head, then try figuring out what/how am I going to ask/tell them that they took it. “I’m going to call them and give them a piece of my mind”.
When I call them everything starts off “well”. I say “hey what up”, then I pause to hear the tonality in there voice to see if their voice is shaky or if they will stumble in their words, just because I have already laid the entire scenario out in my head with them being the culprit. So they calmly answer saying no, what are you talking about? That’s when I don’t hear the answer that I wanted to hear and accuse them of lying and become angry. Then when I get off the phone and turn around it would be sitting right there. That happens a lot.
It could be something as simple as me putting down my ink pen and going to opening the door for someone and when I get back, I forget where I sat my ink pen down. I’ll just brush it off and get another one. But later on when I go back by the door again, “Oh there’s my ink pen”. These are seemly simple things that I hadn’t taken notice of till now, along with the consequences that quickly followed. It’s just how I was. I never thought that it would be something to take responsibility for. It was just me forgetting, then calling myself stupid and saying “I’m sorry afterwards thinking that was enough because I apologized. It’s pretty fascinating how quick and fast the mind works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be forgetful when I am in a rush to get somewhere or do something “important”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush to get somewhere or do something “important”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic reaction of frustration then being fed up then into anger when I forgot where my keys were when I was in a rush to get somewhere or do something important.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to laugh it off and not take responsibility for separating me from my mind but instead I say things like “Oh it just slipped my mind” or “I wasn’t thinking, when in fact all I was doing was thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention whenever the attention has been shifted away from me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that by me separating me from my mind and saying things like; ”Oh it just slipped my mind” or “I wasn’t thinking”. I am giving my power away to my mind consciousness system to take control and run the show.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the mind consciousness system by sitting back and letting my mind consciousness system run the show.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse others of taking something from me, when I have misplaced it., then go into my head and create an entire scenario, placing them in as the blame then confronting them and having an energetic reaction of anger when they didn’t say what I wanted to hear from them to validate the scenario that I have created in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that it is ok to be forgetful and that’s just the way it is and then only say sorry afterwards and thinking everything should be ok, not seeing/realizing/understanding the consequences that will quickly follow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself by calling myself stupid.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how I have become so forgetful.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself forgetting where something is/ where I have placed something, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am accepting and allowing my mind consciousness system to run the show and I should slow myself down.
I commit myself to slowing myself down when I am doing things in preparation for something.
I commit myself to when and as the emotions of frustration anger emerge within and as me when I am looking for my keys, I take a breath to bring myself back here to physical reality and assist and support myself to slow down.
I commit myself to when and as the emotions of frustration and anger triggers me to manifest the expressed act of blaming/accusing others when I have misplaced something, I stop and breathe and instead of blaming/accusing others realize that I am moving too fast and need to slow down.
I commit myself to stopping myself from going into my mind and creating entire scenario’s and believing it to be true.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to think/perceive/believe that everything is ok and fine after I just demanded guilt from another being and became angry when there answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness with self-corrective application assist and support myself to investigating and stopping why it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame/accuse other stemming from my frustration and anger, because I forgot where I left/put/placed something, living upstairs in that room in my head, sitting back watching TV, letting my mind run the show, not caring to take responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to rush.